Pleasing others is okay, but it must not become the compass for our own actions. We already have enough flags in the wind, says Björn, who has given his thoughts on the topic of "open relationships".
Most men like to have sex, and in my experience, gay men are no different. A survey from the UK came to the conclusion that 41 per cent of around 1,000 gay men surveyed are in, or have been in, an open relationship. 75 per cent of them think this form of relationship is "great". Even if the results are not completely transferable to Germany, there are certainly a lot of people here who see things similarly. For example, I also live in an open relationship, and I know very few truly monogamous gay men. On the Facebook page of I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING recently appeared under a post on the subject of "open relationships" a lively discussion in which I then took part.
I was quite surprised at how much opinions differed and shocked at how harshly those who live in open relationships were criticised and attacked. "Why do gay people only ever think about sex?" "You don't have to change partners like underwear!", or "Then you don't need a relationship; that completely confirms the stereotype about gay people" I could read.
It annoys me that some gay people argue just as homophobically as some straight people. What struck me was that there is a fear of fulfilling the clichés. It seems that there are quite a few gay men who would rather conform than explore their own needs and live authentically. Studies show around 57 per cent of men and 47 per cent of women cheat. So you can work out the probability of "real fidelity" among gay men (including in so-called monogamous relationships, where they cheat behind the other person's back). What I would really like to see, however, is the number of commentators who criticise me and others but don't act any differently to me ... Nobody has the right to judge other people's relationships!
I met my husband almost five years ago and it all happened very quickly: we were engaged after a year and married a year later. From day one, we had an open relationship - which was always very close. We are open and honest with each other about everything. That's exactly what I think is crucial: not having to hide anything from your partner. We both really value this honesty, even if it's not easy sometimes.
The word "open" also refers to our communication. From my point of view, the sexual needs of both partners don't necessarily coincide, nor do they have to. It doesn't bother me if my husband does things with others that I don't like - on the contrary. In open relationships, this is always discussed and that's an important step. If you don't dare to talk about something, that's a problem. "Open" also refers to our communication.
However, I was really surprised by the sharpness of the criticism. I had the feeling that I was being blamed for the "bad image" of gays in society. Apparently I hit a sore spot. My husband and I don't hide ourselves and our needs, we live them out and are happy with it!
In my opinion, not doing something because others judge it is the wrong way to go. Pleasing others is okay, but it must not become the compass for our own actions. We already have enough flags in the wind. It is important for me to emphasise once again that I am not judging others. Anyone who has decided to live monogamously should do so. Everyone should follow the path that suits their own needs. Compromising just to avoid being single or to fulfil other people's moral standards: No thanks!
(Almost) everyone knows this: you can also set your relationship status on dating portals. (symbolic image)
So is a first date only possible with a mouth-nose cover and promiscuous, gay sex no longer conceivable for the time being because of corona? Gay sex has been severely restricted by coronavirus. The coronavirus distancing rules have limited our options for physical closeness severely restricted. We spoke to three gay men about their experiences and asked the expert Marco Kammholz asked what impact he sees the coronavirus pandemic having on gay sex. Gay men have already developed creative solutions to reconcile their own needs with the protective measures.
Stefan's His self-diagnosis is clear and unmistakable: "Chronically under-fucked" bangs out to visitors to his dating profile on Planetromeo. Normally, they would read "Looking for sex". Because sex, says Stefan, "is not a leisure activity for me at the weekend, but my daily fun. It's as much a part of it as my morning cup of coffee."
From the "little slut" to the "chaste nun"
The fact that his closest friends affectionately call him a "little slut" is no problem for the man in his mid-twenties. Stefan admits that sex is important to him, and preferably with new men all the time.
Since the end of March, Stefan has been given a new pet name by his friends: "chaste nun". Stefan sighs emphatically and melodramatically and then says very seriously: "I may be a promiscuous slut, but I'm not stupid either. You just have to be realistic: shagging around just isn't possible at the moment."
The coronavirus pandemic has brought the sex lives of some gay men to a standstill. Symbol photo - Photo: Lichtsucht photocase.com
The coronavirus pandemic has not only brought Stefan's sex life to a standstill. During the tense weeks from March onwards and the associated contact restrictions and shop closures, life on the scene was also put on hold overnight. Cafés, bars and clubs were closed, and not just places where you could meet up with other LGBTIQ people. Places where men can have sex with men, such as saunas or darkrooms, were also closed.
At times, corona has turned gay (sex) life upside down.
Tom was in Argentina when the number of infections began to rise around the world. He had to cancel the internship for which he had travelled to South America. When the opportunity arose for a return flight at short notice, he jumped at the chance. It was not an easy decision, as he had fallen in love with an Argentinian shortly beforehand. The fledgling love did not last over the distance. That's why Tom didn't feel like looking for other sex partners straight away.
Since then, he has spent a lot of time alone and without dating apps - and has come to terms with himself.
"It made me realise that a lot of my drive for sexuality came from the need to prove to myself 'I can do it! You desperately try to build up your ego and get self-affirmation by having lots of sex partners. But instead of building up your self-confidence, it only undermines it even more."
Tom was, as he says, "late with everything". He had his first time at 20, "and I put myself under pressure, as if I had to catch up and compensate for something." Looking back, Tom recognises some decisions that weren't good for him.
Many gay men feel the same way as Tom.
Sex educator Marco Kammholz (Photo: Danny Frede)
Tom is not an isolated case in this respect, knows sex educator Marco Kammholz. He has spoken to many gay, bisexual and queer men about the impact of the pandemic on their sexuality at workshops during the summer months. "Corona demands a lot from quite a few gay men, especially when it comes to fulfilling their sexual needs," says Marco Kammholz. "I'm not one of those people who sees an opportunity in every crisis." Nevertheless, he repeatedly observes that participants in his workshops use the current situation to look at how they have organised their sexual life so far with a little distance. "It may then become clearer what function and meaning their own sexuality has. And how important or unimportant frequency, changing partners or a stable relationship are."
So less may be more, but above all, fewer sex partners - at least in theory - means fewer risks of contracting SARS-CoV-2. Corona has forced people back into relationships with two people. And sex is best with a steady partner - if that person exists in your life. Singles are therefore having a particularly difficult time. And people who live their sexuality promiscuously are accused of being "irresponsible".
And singles looking for a steady partner are in just as much trouble at the moment. How much closeness in the truest sense of the word can you allow? How romantic or hot can a date with mouth and nose protection or at least 1.50 metres distance be?
Total isolation is not a solution for Armin either
"There's no social distancing rule for me," says Armin grinning. "Anyone can get as close to me as they like." However, Armin is by no means as guileless as that might sound. For the first few weeks, the student completely avoided dating. There are people in his family who belong to the risk group. He also had to go into quarantine with his parents for a while.
After that, however, he quickly met up with friends again so as not to become lonely or even depressed, says Armin. "Reading crisis news every day, dealing with so many problems and just sitting at home alone: That's not good for the psyche." Armin has experienced a case like this in his circle of friends. Armin is certain that the coronavirus pandemic won't be over any time soon, even if there is a vaccine. "That's why it's important to find a way to deal with it. Everyday life has to go on somehow".
Since the coronavirus measures have been relaxed, Armin is no longer just meeting other boys virtually at dbnathe internet portal for LGBT young people, but also in real life.
Openly address the desire for precautionary measures
"However, I avoid closed rooms on dates and prefer to meet outdoors because I want to protect not only myself but also the other person. After all, I care about them."
Above all, Armin has decided not to play down the coronavirus and the fears and precautions associated with it, but simply to address them openly and honestly.
"If I don't know someone at all, I ask how they are and whether everything is OK. I try to make them feel like they can talk about anything - whether it's a recent cold or HIV, for example. Then we can discuss what we want to do about it in a relaxed manner." Armin also took this approach before coronavirus and has only had good experiences with it. "And if someone coughs now, I keep my distance, but also explain why I'm doing it. I just don't want to be quarantined again."
Gay sex has been severely restricted by Corona.
After dates is Tom He doesn't feel like it at the moment, he's still mourning his broken relationship too much. But when the time comes, Tom wants to take things slowly. So he doesn't go straight to bed with the other person, but first arranges to meet up a few times for coffee and a walk. One of the reasons for this, Tom explains, is to get a feeling from these conversations as to whether the other person is responsible enough to dare to be physically close.
"Physical closeness and sexuality are basic human needs."
Marco Kammholz, sex educator
The weeks and months in which Social or better Physical distancing were the absolute order of the day are fortunately behind us. Human encounters are possible again - albeit still with some restrictions. Be it walks or visits to a café. But how do you satisfy the need for touch and tenderness as well as the desire for sex when there is not (yet) that one - permanent - partner?
People in this situation can quickly get caught up in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions and thoughts when lust collides with fear of infection and unfulfilled longing and desire lead to anger, sadness and perhaps even despair.
"Physical closeness and sexuality are basic human needs," says Marco Kammholz. That's why it can't be morally reprehensible in principle if people look for a way to fulfil these needs - especially as this doesn't automatically mean being unreasonable or thoughtless.
Is a "corona fuckbuddy" the solution?
Some people have decided on a very pragmatic solution that allows protection and sex to be realised even without a steady relationship: an exclusive "fuckbuddy". In other words, a guy with whom you've had sex a few times and whom you trust. The reciprocal deal: we look after each other in everyday life, adhere to the coronavirus safety regulations and only have sex with each other.
Marco Kammholz also sees this model of "corona sex partners" as a special opportunity for introspection: "Anyone who reduces the number of their sex partners to fewer or just one due to the pandemic can ask themselves the question: Who actually remains and what characterises these men? In other words: what happens to your own sexual life during the pandemic?"
However, Kammholz also sees other aspects of how gay, bisexual and queer men are weighing up their sexual needs against the potential risk of infection in the face of coronavirus. "Just like the weekly shop, for some, sex dates or cruising in the park are on the agenda from time to time. Both are associated with residual risk. Why should you allow yourself to do one less than the other? I think that's a healthy attitude," says the sex educator.
Progressive sexual culture
To reduce the residual risk even further, many people skip kissing and cuddling during casual contact and get down to business all the quicker. People get down on their knees or bend over and give the coronavirus less of a chance. But glory holes are also currently experiencing a renaissance and can even be found in some homes recently - sometimes as a cardboard wall or a hole in a curtain.
"I am quite sure that the stubbornness and creativity of gays will help them to preserve this progressive sexual culture even in this pandemic (...)."
Marco Kammholz
"Over the decades, gay men have developed a sexual culture in which it is possible to deal with sex more freely and unhindered," says Marco Kammholz. "That's not so easy to shake. I'm quite sure that the stubbornness and creativity of gay men will help them to deal with the restrictions in this pandemic and at the same time preserve this progressive sexual culture."
Online sex can also be horny...
And yes, the boys and blokes are definitely creative. "Little slut" Stefan may have been objectively chaste in recent weeks, but that doesn't mean he was a good boy. "I've had a lot of fun with my friends," says Stefan in conversation - in keeping with the times via Zoom video conference - and laughs. He then holds a cardboard box in front of the camera and presents his impressive collection of dildos. They are also used in front of the camera from time to time. "Why should I have fun with them alone when others can watch me?".
So when, if not now, is the ideal opportunity to try cam sex or to explore your own erogenous zones and try out new ways to bring yourself to climax.
[Editor's note: The interviews were conducted in September before the rise in new coronavirus infections in October 2020].
The queer scene is also affected by the Coronavirus pandemic affected, whether through possible loneliness or financial difficulties. Do you want to help or are you looking for help? #WeForQueer lists projects that offer help or are looking for support themselves. Click through and find a suitable aid or solidarity campaign!
Pornography is an age-old cultural technique. But it has never been as easy to access as it is today. Thanks to Wi-Fi and smartphones, gay men no longer have to go to dingy railway station cinemas to watch sex films. That's cool. Now the question arises: How much porn is good for us? Is that already porn addiction?
"That's the wrong question," said Peer Briken, Director of the Institute for Sexual Research and Forensic Psychiatry at Hamburg University Hospital. The decisive factor is not how often a man masturbates, but how much it bothers him. "If the patient doesn't suffer from his desire, a doctor shouldn't make a diagnosis," emphasises Briken in the Süddeutsche Zeitung. Porn or sex habits only become a problem when they severely affect your everyday life and your social environment: your partner, friends, work colleagues. But where exactly is the line drawn? It's not that easy to say. The following questions can help you Porn consumption put them to the test:
I rarely get it up without porn.
I also watch porn on my office computer from time to time.
I'm often late for work because I've been up all night on the computer.
When I'm stressed or bored, I distract myself with porn.
I no longer care about my hobby. Everything revolves around sexuality.
My smartphone is always next to my bed. I don't want to miss out if a nice guy writes to me on Gayromeo.
Before I start fucking, I first have to give myself a good shag - and then have sex that I find awful afterwards.
Too much porn: how to control your consumption
Make it honest. The difficult thing about addiction is that it hurts the ego. Because it means: I have lost control. And men in particular are reluctant to admit this. Denying the problems is part of the illness.
Keep a logbook. Check when you watch porn and for how long. It's best to note this down in a logbook over a longer period of time. This awareness often leads to initial improvements. Because then you automatically ask yourself: Do I really need to watch porn now, or can I go longer without it?
Set goals. Develop a personal exit plan to enjoy porn and sex so that it no longer takes up all your time and energy. The important thing is:
When do I start giving up?
How quickly can I reduce my consumption?
What is allowed? What is not? Clear boundaries are very important.
Do I want to be completely abstinent, or are there exceptions ("Saturday porn is okay")? Exceptions are tricky when it comes to addictive behaviour. Because they require extreme discipline.
Expect relapses. Every addiction therapy involves relapses. You have to learn to deal with these disappointments and then start again.
Hypersexuality - a real illness?
However, addiction to porn is often not the only addictive behaviour. Different types of addictive behaviour are usually mixed together: Frequent porn watching. Compulsive masturbation. Many sex dates that leave a stale feeling after sex, often in combination with other addictive substances such as alcohol, poppers or methamphetamines. The big thing they have in common is that the men affected find their sex life a burden. The medical diagnosis is hypersexuality. Studies estimate that up to six per cent of the population suffer from it at times. Three quarters of those affected are men. But the phenomenon is controversial. The World Health Organisation has not yet included hypersexuality in its catalogue of impulse control disorders (ICD). This is why health insurance companies do not always cover the costs of treatment.
Self-help: the anonymous sex addicts
Self-help groups are a good support for all addiction problems. Attendees share their experiences and support each other in becoming "sexually sober". The good thing is that the meetings, which are organised on a voluntary basis, cost nothing and are available in all major cities. Rather difficult: the groups are autonomous. You don't know in advance what methods they use and whether they welcome gay people. Just go along and try it out to see if it works.
Most of the programmes are based on the twelve principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. The most important one is: Nothing gets out! Participants can talk openly about their addiction. Another principle is the trust in "a higher power". You should be able to relate to this transcendental, often religiously understood approach. You can find more self-help information here:
Pornography is a morally explosive topic. Some offers of help with pornography addiction lead straight to organisations such as the DIJG. This organisation considers homosexuality per se to be a mental illness and promises to cure not only your porn addiction, but also your homosexuality. This is pseudo-scientific humbug that can even exacerbate psychological problems.
Therapy options for porn addiction Porn and sex are so hot that - like drugs - they give you a kick. In rare cases, they lead to addiction. If this is the case, they should be treated in the same way as other addictions. Medication is rarely used. Psychotherapies are particularly promising. There are several treatment phases.
Regain control. It usually starts with practical behavioural therapy. The patient and therapist discuss how the patient can better control their sex or porn consumption. The measures are often simple, for example by the user installing filter software that stops their favourite sites on the internet.
Find alternatives. The patient also learns to react differently to negative feelings such as fear or loneliness. Sport is a proven "substitute". Breathing and mindfulness exercises are also relieving.
Find out the causes. Psychotherapy often takes years, but the chances of success are good. Patients find out how problematic behaviour patterns can be explained by their own life history - and how they can live well with them.
Psychotherapeutic support for porn addiction or sex addiction:
Nationwide: You can find a therapist specialising in sexuality in your area via the website of the German Society for Sexual Medicine, Sexual Therapy and Sexology (DGSMTW): www.dgsmtw.de
Porn or sex habits only become a problem when they severely affect your everyday life and your social environment: your partner, friends, work colleagues.
Ben Scholz visits school classes to talk about sex on a voluntary basis. When the Cologne native realised at some point during his sex education lessons that he was being asked the same questions over and over again by the pupils, he launched his portal in 2014. jungsfragen.de. In specially produced videos there and on his own YouTube channel, Ben answers everything that might interest his core target group, boys aged between 12 and 16.
Ben, do you notice a sense of shame among boys in schools when it comes to talking about HIV, other STIs and relevant tests at the doctor? I can't really confirm that. When I talk about these topics in class, I tend to notice that the pupils are more alert and want to know everything in detail. My impression is that the awareness of the health risks of sex is definitely there or comes to light once you have shaken them up and told them: unfortunately, HIV and AIDS still exist. People often ask me where they can still get a rapid HIV test in the city as soon as I tell them about it.
Are there also gay boys in the classes who are quite normal about it or do pupils still find it difficult to say to their mates in class: "I'm different from you, I'm gay"? It's a shame, but even in 2016 we are still far from being in a situation where you can just come out at school. That's why gay boys are usually less concerned with classic sex topics and more with themselves and their identity, which many are sceptical about. The shame is still pretty great.
Do you realise this directly in your sex education lessons? Yes, over time I've noticed that some boys are really introverted when it comes to homosexuality and do everything they can to avoid making eye contact with me. All this happens out of fear that someone might "find out" after all. Incidentally, the same thing also happens when I talk about foreskin constriction. When one of the boys realises "Oh dear, that's exactly how it is with me", you quickly notice how they mentally leave the lesson. So there are a few topics where the shame is really big. Although, of course, this always has something to do with the class community.
You're not just in classes, you also run the portal jungsfragen.de. Do many gay boys also seek advice there? Yes, a lot of them actually. Gay kids in particular often have one big question: "How can I come out?". It's often a long way before they have sex for the first time. Nevertheless, it is of course important to talk about safer sex and specific sexual practices beforehand. Just as it often happens much more naturally with heterosexuals - even in the school playground.
Is there also a risk that gay boys will have their first sexual experiences much more "secretly", precisely because they don't dare to talk about it with friends? In any case. Unfortunately, unlike their straight mates, they can't usually boast that they were deflowered the night before. Everything happens very differently. This also plays a major role when it comes to the question of a visit to the doctor, for example after a high-risk contact. How do I tell the doctor? How will he react to the gay contact? It often takes more time than with straight people to realise that they are doing the most normal thing in the world.
Do you have any general tips and tricks for guys who are still at the beginning of their sex life? Firstly, I'd like to make it crystal clear: sex is great, sex is fun and it's the best thing in the world. But it's also true that you can catch something during sex. But of course I also reassure people. Fortunately, most things are easily treatable. Even HIV is known to have very good treatment options. My rough rule of thumb is: "If you have a pleasurable sex life with different people, you should have all the usual tests and examinations regularly, about once a year."
Another tip is to consult a doctor as soon as you have had any risk contact or notice any changes in your own body. Because the quicker the diagnosis, the better and easier the treatment. For example, if a boy writes to me that he has a pimple on his penis but doesn't want to go to the doctor, I sometimes get quite direct and say: 'Yes, well, you'll just have to live with the fact that your willy will fall off. That way they understand directly, because wrapping them in cotton wool doesn't help.
Last question: How did it come about that you are so relaxed about all these sex topics today and don't feel any shame? I just realised at some point that sex is the most normal thing in the world. Everyone does it, everyone masturbates and why shouldn't we talk about something that unites us all so much?
"Sex is great, sex is fun and it's the best thing in the world," says Ben. But he also knows how important protection is. This is one of the reasons why he goes into school classes and gives sex education lessons.
GHB/GBL, cocaine, ketamine, crystal meth and mephedrone - the range of sex drugs, i.e. chems ['K:ems'], is not small. Chems intensify lust and increase feelings of happiness. However, they can also lead to consequential damage.
GHB/GBL, cocaine, ketamine, crystal meth and mephedrone - the range of chems on offer is not small. (Photo: iwwit.de)
In order to find out more about drug use by gay men, British researchers conducted a study in three London boroughs with an above-average gay population. This included a survey of 30 men who had used chemsex during sex in the previous year. The recently published results of the chemsex study are therefore not representative, but nevertheless allow conclusions to be drawn about drug use in major German cities. The most important facts summarised here:
Effects on sexual sensation and sexual performance:
A large part of the 30 respondents ...
increases lust with Chems and has longer, more varied and more daring sex, sometimes with several men.
takes Chems to overcome difficulties with her own self-esteem/sexual confidence.
is not satisfied with his sex life despite the increase in sexual experience.
Some of the interviewees said that they ...
can no longer have sex without Chems.
were worried about having overstepped their own sexual boundaries with Chems, which they in turn regretted.
The 1st Alternative Drug and Addiction Report was published on 2 July 2014. (Photo: DAH)
What else? "Slamming", i.e. injecting drugs - especially crystal meth - occurs much less frequently than expected, namely in 3.5 per cent of the 1,100 or so gay men from the three London boroughs surveyed for which current data is available. By contrast, a third of the 30 respondents had recently injected crystal meth or mephedrone. They stated that they then had even more extreme sex than with other forms of drug use.
Drugs and HIV risk behaviour:
About a quarter of the participants ...
felt in control of his actions and had sex with limited likelihood of transmitting HIV or another sexually transmitted infection.
was HIV-positive themselves and deliberately had unprotected anal sex with men they believed were also HIV-positive.
However, just under a third found it difficult to control themselves when using drugs and took the risk of transmitting HIV or other sexually transmitted infections.
What else? Only a small proportion of men were looking for risky sex and felt even more willing to take risks by taking drugs, crossing sexual boundaries and living out fantasies.
Negative experiences and consequential damage:
Again and again the men explainedthat ...
Chems can have a negative impact on social ties, careers and relationships.
they needed a lot of time to recover after use.
they were afraid of an overdose (especially of GHB/GBL).
they had their own experiences or knew of third parties who had been hospitalised with panic attacks and convulsions due to overdoses.
The fear of an overdose - especially of GHB/GBL - is present in some men. (Photo: iwwit.de)
What else? Some men reported delusions of persecution, anxiety or aggression, acute manic episodes or psychotic episodes that had to be treated. Despite their own use, most men were concerned about the possible effects of chemsex on the gay scene.
If you would like to find out more about the topic in general, you can find more information on the ICH WEISS WAS ICH TU website at https://www.iwwit.de/themen/drogen the most important information.
