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Who dares to open up about their sex and love life on stage in front of an audience - from their first wet dream in their cot to bad experiences with crystal meth? Ben Strothmann has done it - and the world can currently watch him do it online. In his one-man show "Coming Clean", the 42-year-old talks about his life, first as a gay teenager in Milwaukee, then as a drug-addicted escort in New York.

[Editor's note: This article contains discussions about alcohol and drug use, as well as sexual transgressions].

Ben clutches his heart with his right hand as he speaks. A photo of Ben as a little boy is projected onto the wall in the background.

It's funny at first: his first great love for a cartoon rooster, his artistic contortions to blow himself - and his gay rebirth as an actor in New York. But suddenly his play becomes more serious. The audience still has plenty to laugh about, but Ben talks about how his previous life has gradually worn him down. Out of curiosity and a need for money, he starts working as an escort. He talks about how he exploited his clients and how they dumped him in return. Drugs increasingly dominated his life. The title hints at it: "Coming Clean" ends on a conciliatory note. Ben has overcome his addiction because he has made peace with himself. A conversation about drugs, sex and loving yourself.

Ben, in "Coming Clean" you talk openly about your life, including sex work and drug use. Were you sometimes afraid of shocking your friends while writing?

Ben Strothmann: Very often, in fact! In my show, I even say to the audience once: "Listen, not everyone knows about this. Please don't tell anyone what you're hearing here tonight." At first I thought that I would only perform the play once and then never talk about it again. The funny thing is that this first performance was in a church, the Judson Memorial Church in New York. The church sees artists as messengers of God. That's why they are allowed to perform there. They don't tell you what you can or can't do there. Their only rule is: please refrain from hate speech!

At the beginning, your play seems like comedy. Everything is hilarious. Then it gets more serious and drastic. For example, you describe how you, as an escort, blow one of your clients and burst into tears. Even back then, you thought: "Some time this will sound funny like a scene from 'Showgirls'." (Editor's note: "At some point, this will sound as funny as a scene from 'Showgirls'.")

When I went on stage with the show for the first time, I had no idea it was comedy. I spoke to the audience, people laughed and I thought to myself: "Oh, this is obviously funny..." I realised from the first draft of "Coming Clean" that it was going to be a play about radical self-love. Accept yourself as you are - come what may! For no reason at all. Because: what else can you do with your life? I wanted to show people how I did it.

I realised from the first draft of "Coming Clean" that it would be a piece about radical self-love.

In some stark scenes, you interrupt your play and speak to "little Ben", the child inside you. A photo of you as a child then appears on a screen.

The idea of talking to my inner child and saying "I love you, Ben!" came about organically. For example, I remember a person I dated twelve years ago. I was going through withdrawal for the first time at the time. I told him on the phone that I had started talking to my inner child. As if I was his father. That's when I realised that he was crying on the other end of the line. That's when I realised: Oh! I've discovered something that helps others learn to love themselves.

Ben pulls his T-shirt over his mouth and nose and looks anxiously to the left in his theatre play about crystal meth consumption.

Did you find it difficult to love yourself in the past?

Yes, very much. When I wrote the play, I was very interested in how people come up with the idea: "If anyone knew what I was really like, he or she could never love me". Why do people become like that? And how can you help someone who has got caught up in these thoughts? That's why I open up like this in the play, to say to people: "Listen! I'm standing here on stage talking about how I wet the bed and do other things I'm ashamed of. But I'm certainly not the only one in this room who has experienced something like that. The only difference is that I'm prepared to talk about it." I want everyone to know that you can be open and honest with the world - and still be loveable! I want to show people step by step: this is how I learnt to love myself. For example, because I can tell really good stories.

One of these stories is your first time - with crystal meth and "Rich, the dealer". Not only did he supply you with drugs, you also had great sex. Why do you remember this encounter so well?

I'm certainly not going to proclaim here: "Sex on drugs is so much better!" (laughs) But the good thing about this experience was that I managed to switch off the bad thoughts that usually buzz around in my head. Before that, I had never looked in the mirror and felt attractive. I describe this special moment in my piece: I go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and am amazed at what I see! I just think: "There's this hot guy next door who I'm about to go to bed with - and he gets all this. Namely me! What a lucky guy!" Although the feeling was artificial, it liberated me. I could enjoy the sex and felt physically and spiritually connected to Rich - without the stupid feeling that I wasn't good enough. That's how crystal meth works. A doctor once explained to me, "On crystal meth, you could have sex with a horse and think it's great fun." It removes the ability to feel bad. But only up to the point when you come down again. Then suddenly everything is terrible and terrifying.

Crystal meth removes the ability to feel bad. But only up to the point when you come down again. Then suddenly everything is terrible and terrifying.

It took you several attempts to be able to live without crystal meth again. The "Twelve Steps" helped you with this. You also abstained from sex for a year. How did that come about?

There is no one right way to get clean. And the "Twelve Steps" don't say: "You mustn't have sex!" But I had an experienced "sponsor", a mentor at my side. He was a Californian surfer dude with a huge beard. One of his first pieces of advice was: "No dating and no sex for a year." I said to him at the time: "Eh...? You don't know me at all. What makes you think I even need that?" And he said: "You'll be very busy with your relationship with yourself. You can't concentrate on it if you're distracted by other relationships."

Did you go through with it in the end?

Yes, because I realised at some point during my withdrawal attempts: Sex dates are the only thing I could replace alcohol and other drugs with. There were nights when I was just about to go to bed and thought: "Hm. I could actually ask someone out quickly." So I arranged a date, the guy came round, we had sex and he left. Afterwards, I thought again: "Hm. If I'm going to bed straight away anyway, I can quickly ask someone else out." So sometimes I had three men in a row. I don't want to complain about it, but I gradually realised: Just like alcohol and drugs, I was using another person as an escape to avoid being alone with my thoughts.

I treat my sexual partners much more sensitively these days.

What did you take away from your sexual fasting period?

I think I treat my sex partners much more sensitively these days. After the "#MeToo" debate, I hate to admit it, but I only invited many of my sex partners over to use them. That's how my brain was conditioned back then after seven years of pills, alcohol and trying to run away from myself. In the end, I realised: I have no right to do this to a person! Everyone exists for their own sake, everyone has their own needs. That's why I actually took some time off sexually to change my relationship with sex and intimacy.

A useful experience for surviving the corona lockdown...

Yeah, it seems like I've been training for the pandemic, doesn't it? Let's add another 14 months! (laughs) But seriously, the past year in lockdown has been a great opportunity for me to realise that I can actually enjoy being alone. It feels like having a good friend of mine over. But it's been hard work getting to this point.

Ben is kneeling and looking up to the right. Behind him on a virtual blackboard are various scribbles, such as "BEN + DOUG" in a heart, "I LOVE DOUG", "1 + 1 = BEN LOVES DOUG", or "GURL!" in a circle.

What helps you to feel okay?

Just one example. I used to think that my circle of friends was constantly changing. That's why I literally made myself a spreadsheet so I wouldn't forget my best friends. It reminds me that gives People who love me and have always loved me! Sometimes I still feel lonely, but no longer in a sad way. I now appreciate my own company.

Your play is still online. But can we see you live in Germany?

Well... it's hard to say. I actually wanted to go to the CSD in Constance and before that at the "Animal Pride", a festival for animal rights. After that, I wanted to tour Germany. I've already had my first dose of the vaccine, but of course I know that I could still pass on the coronavirus, even if I don't fall ill myself. It would be irresponsible to start travelling around. Animal Pride is on 3 July and it's already March... I'm afraid our immunisation won't work that quickly.

Ben Strothmann (42) lives in New York and works as a theatre photographer, actor and drag queen. As Honey LaBronx, he hosts the podcast "Big Fat Vegan Radio" and in his "Vegan Drag Queen Cooking Show" on YouTube, he cooks good food without animal ingredients. A recording of his theatre piece "Coming Clean" is currently available online (ticket: 18 dollars):

www.vegandragqueen.com/coming-clean-a-play-by-ben-strothmann

You can find information on drugs and chemsex at IWWIT at iwwit.de/drugs. In the Gay Health Chat we will also answer all your questions live and anonymously.

Do you use crystal meth or other chems for sex? If you're happy and everything is going well, we don't want to talk you into it! If things aren't going well, you're no longer horny and you want to change something, we are here for you! Simply click on aidshilfe.de/chemsex-support-quapsss

Ben takes a bow on stage in his theatre play about crystal meth use in front of an audience that gives him a standing ovation.

Opponents of sex work are instrumentalising the coronavirus crisis and campaigning for a nationwide ban on buying sex. Sex workers are already among those who have been hit particularly hard.

During the coronavirus crisis, those in favour of a ban on buying sex are scenting the morning air. It was therefore no coincidence that over a hundred activists from the "Nordic Model Alliance" met in Bonn at the end of September for a major consultation. Speakers included the most important players in the movement: Alice Schwarzer (publisher and managing director of EMMA), Inge Bell from "Terre des Femmes" and Sabine Constabel from the "Sisters" organisation.

"They all hope to overcome the restrictions imposed by the Corona pandemic to be able to instrumentalise them in order to enforce a ban on buying sex," says Daria, spokesperson for the Professional Association for Erotic and Sexual Services (BesD) in Baden-Württemberg and a member of the board of AIDS-Hilfe Stuttgart since the end of October 2020.

The south-west in particular has become the battleground of the "abolitionists", as the movement's activists like to call themselves in reference to the freeing of slaves in the USA. This is largely due to the Baden-Württemberg SPD member of parliament Leni Breymaier, who acts as their political spearhead. Breymaier has worked long and hard to bring both her SPD state association and the city of Stuttgart behind her.

Stigmatisation of sex workers harms prevention

In terms of content, those in favour of a sex purchase ban are treading on surprisingly thin ice. On the surface, they are concerned with noble goals: Women's rights and combating human trafficking. However, it is unclear whether the ban on buying sex will actually curb sex work and human trafficking. The methodology of many studies is questionable and data can be interpreted in different ways.

However, the proponents leave open the question of how stigmatisation of sex work is supposed to work without simultaneously stigmatising those working in it in a society that still discriminates against and marginalises sex workers today.

On the other hand, a broad alliance is fighting for improvements in the everyday lives of sex workers, or at least to maintain the status quo. It ranges from Professional association for erotic and sexual services (BesD) via the German AIDS Service Organisation, the German Women's Council and the German Association of Women Lawyers up to the Protestant Diaconia. They all fear that a ban on buying sex will above all increase social discrimination against prostitutes and make health prevention more difficult.

Situation with male-male sex work

Cis, trans* and queer sex workers were and are particularly affected by the coronavirus measures. In a joint Position paper were already noted by hustler projects in early summer for the area of "young cis men and queer* sex workers" during the coronavirus restrictions: "In some cases, sex workers have no alternative but to suspend their work. To ensure their survival, they have to accept situational and self-determined exposure to health hazards and risks, as well as fines. This also applies in particular to the sexual work of cis men*, queer* and trans* people in scene contexts. [...] Currently, the threat of homelessness is exacerbated by the loss of income. Since the occupancy of emergency shelters is generally regulated and is severely restricted in times of Covid-19, they often have no choice but to stay on the streets."

Many have been catapulted back into previous situations of violence as a result of the ban on prostitution and the associated loss of their sources of income: "Being forced back into the nuclear family, into violent relationships of dependency, into refugee accommodation and onto the streets is an even greater challenge in the current situation."

The emergency situation leads to greater vulnerability of sex workers

The same applies to cis-female and trans* sex workers. "The clients are becoming more blatant," says Daria Oniér, "because who is hanging around in the dark zone: people who don't want to spend anything, people with high pressure or violent offenders."

BesD press spokesman André Nolte describes the situation as follows: "Agreements are broken. Prices are often being cut, but that's not even the biggest problem of all. Especially as a woman, when you can no longer work in a brothel but have to move into a flat, it can happen that there are suddenly two guys there instead of one."

Many sex workers were catapulted back into previous situations of violence

Human trafficking did not stop under coronavirus conditions, but the fight against it did. The Berlin Senate announced in its Answer from 17 September to a minor question from the FDP in the Berlin House of Representatives admitted that "non-suspicious checks ... were not carried out" because "the approach based on targeted and consensual contact with sex workers was practically unfeasible at a time when prostitution was banned under the SARS-CoV-2 Infection Protection Ordinance". In other words, closing brothels and banning sex work is a major opportunity to effectively combat human trafficking and forced prostitution.

Sex work: short autumn of lifting bans

In Berlin, as in most federal states, sex work was permitted again in autumn after being banned in spring and summer, subject to various conditions. Ralf Rötten from "Help for boys e.V." felt. This is a Berlin-based project for young men who go prostitution. He says: "Many of our clients who were away at the beginning of the coronavirus crisis have returned from their home countries."

Nevertheless, things have not returned to normal. Due to the strict hygiene concepts, fewer visitors came to the association's drop-in centre on the edge of the gay neighbourhood in Berlin. People were no longer allowed to stay overnight and visitor lists had to be kept - which of course contradicts anonymous counselling, but was mandatory because the facility is considered a catering-type establishment.

"Sex workers have not only been confronted with the issue of health since coronavirus"

Rötten has also observed the extent to which the lobby to ban the purchase of sex has gained the upper hand during the crisis and warns: "If there is an illegalisation of clients, then this will affect all clients, which has obviously not yet been understood in the gay scene. We need to actively campaign for the preservation of a diverse but also fair landscape of sexual services."

In most federal states, as in Berlin, a general ban on prostitution remained in place until the beginning of September. This was longer than in comparable sectors of body-related services, despite the fact that the professional association for erotic and sexual services had issued a Detailed hygiene concept had presented. This ranged from talking to customers with mouth and nose protection to coronavirus-compatible positions and airing out afterwards. "Sex workers have not only been confronted with the issue of health since coronavirus," says BesD spokesperson André Nolte. "Why do the courts have to explain this to politicians in many federal states?"

The November lockdown is once again hitting sex workers particularly hard

In mid-October, only Hesse and Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania were still prohibited zones for sex work, but with the second lockdown from 2 November, sex work and most "body-related services" are once again prohibited. The Berlin Infection Protection Ordinance, for example, states that "The provision and utilisation of sexual services with physical contact and erotic massages" are prohibitedin North Rhine-Westphalia is the "Operation of brothels, prostitution centres and similar establishments prohibited".

The situation for sex workers is once again bleak and the future is uncertain. But the last few weeks have shown one thing: Anyone who wants to protect sex workers in Baden-Württemberg and elsewhere in Germany from discrimination and the illegalisation of their working conditions needs more staying power than ever in these times

Sexwork is real work — Photo: DAH | Renata Chueire

Editor's note: This article appears in an abridged version. The long version has been published by our colleagues at magazin.hiv.

Tag: MSM

Crystal meth & sex dates against bad thoughts