Our city sometimes has this special ability to bring together people who, under different circumstances, would probably never have met. In my case, it all began in a bar where the clientele tends to favour leather and where the term „dress code“ is interpreted with far more imagination than at a company party.
That’s where I met Felix and Alexander*. The two of them have been a couple for years. Their division of roles was obvious. The shorter, wiry Felix is the sub and Alexander his master. We got talking, hit it off straight away and eventually ended up where conversations in bars like that sometimes end: in the darkroom. Our encounter there remained playful, uncomplicated and, above all, friendly. So friendly, in fact, that we ended up swapping phone numbers.
Invitation to the playroom
A few days later, I got a WhatsApp message: Friday evening. Our playroom. Fancy it? Of course I said yes. The plan was as simple as could be. Felix liked it when his Master, Alexander, gave him his full attention whilst a second top was also involved. A role I was to take on. We made it very clear: Play first, we’ll chat later. I wanted to be prepared. So my Friday began with my tried-and-tested rituals. A long afternoon nap. A strong espresso. A hot bath. And, just as a precaution, a little blue pill. After all, you’re not getting any younger, and if you’re invited, you want to be up to the task.
Looking back, I could have saved myself all that trouble.
The first twenty minutes went smoothly. Then my brain kicked in.
Or to put it more precisely: my brain decided to call a general strike against any form of relaxation. Every time I was called upon to perform, my erection would vanish like a poorly paid extra after his one and only appearance. As soon as my attention wandered elsewhere, everything was back to normal. It was absurd. And the more I got annoyed about it, the worse it got. Pressure to perform. Stress. The fear of not living up to expectations. The fear of being rejected. All those wonderful things against which even modern medicine is astonishingly powerless. Finally, it just slipped out: „Lads, I’m not going to be able to make it tonight.“
The merry-go-round of thoughts is spinning
The two of them stopped playing straight away. What was going on? How do you explain something you barely understand yourself? So I tried using an analogy. In my mind, I said, five ICE trains are currently racing through the same station at the same time. One is carrying the tax return. The next one is carrying all the unfinished tasks from last week. Behind that come next week’s appointments. And right at the back, a freight train full of ironed laundry is rumbling past, with Mum swinging a lasso on board.
I usually play when I’m sober. Always. But at that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to just switch off that bloody merry-go-round of thoughts. What happened next took me completely by surprise.
Restart
The two of them didn’t want me to leave. Quite the opposite, in fact. Felix grinned at Alexander. Alexander grinned back. „It would be a laugh,“ he said, „if we couldn’t help you wind down.“ A moment later, Alexander was standing behind me, whispering in my ear: „You’ll have to be very brave now.“ Before I could ask what that was supposed to mean, the two of them had already started. Shiny black foil. A latex mask. Calm voices. Deft hands. And suddenly I found myself in a situation that definitely hadn’t been on my bingo card for this Friday. And half an hour later, I was a 1.85-metre-tall parcel: motionless. Neatly wrapped. Shiny black.
The first challenge was now to get myself from a standing position into a horizontal one. Surprisingly, it worked much better than I’d expected.
There is no panic
Actually, I should have started to panic by now. I suffer from severe anxiety in confined or enclosed spaces. In the theatre, cinema or at a concert, I always sit right at the edge. I need to feel that I can leave at any moment. Always with an emergency exit within reach. But this time, something different happened. The longer I lay there, the calmer I became: the warmth of the foil. The stillness. It all felt like a switch had been flicked. For the first time in a long while, my mind went quiet. No tax return. No thoughts of deadlines. No ironing to do. Not even a delayed regional express. Just peace and quiet.
At some point, the two of them cut openings in the plastic sheet in the right places and began to turn towards me. At first cautiously, then with increasing boldness. What surprised me most about it wasn’t the situation itself. It was my body. – The problems that had almost made me run away an hour earlier had vanished. Just gone.
The relaxation, the warmth and that unexpected sense of security brought about a fundamental change. Something just clicked in my mind. Suddenly, I had the feeling that these two people were fully present in the moment. That they cared. That I didn’t have to achieve anything. Prove anything. Control anything.
I literally couldn’t do a thing.
I don’t have to have everything under control
And that was precisely the point. Whilst I usually try to keep everything under control, here I was forced into complete passivity. And, surprisingly, it felt brilliant. Looking back, I can say: I hadn’t felt so safe, relaxed and in good hands for months. At some point, Alexander said it was time to set me free again. But I wasn’t ready yet: „Please don’t. Five more minutes.“ They both laughed. I was gently unwrapped. Once again in control of my arms, legs and decisions. And at some point around two in the morning, I literally floated home.
Let go of control, and the pressure to perform disappears
What had happened? The simple answer is: far less than one might assume whilst reading. The more important answer is: more than I would have expected. That evening, I learnt that honesty can sometimes be the most erotic quality in the room. The moment I stopped playing a part and openly admitted what was really going on inside me, something emerged that was far more interesting than any perfectly staged performance. I felt a connection, trust. I realised that letting go sometimes works precisely when you stop thinking: „I have to let go now!“ Sometimes, it apparently just takes two horny blokes, a roll of black foil and the courage to say: ‘I don’t think I can cope right now.’
*Names have been changed by the editors
Links:
Role distribution/dom/sub: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM-Rollen
Play first: https://www.deviance.com/ich-will-doch-nur-spielen/
The little blue pill: Link to Hannes’s blog post: https://www.iwwit.de/schwuler_sex/viagra-potenzmittel-lust/
My erection disappeared: https://www.iwwit.de/schwuler_sex/viagra-potenzmittel-lust/
Pressure to perform. Stress. The fear of failing to live up to expectations:
Game: https://www.deviance.com/ich-will-doch-nur-spielen/
I usually play when I’m sober. Always.: https://www.deviance.com/ich-will-doch-nur-spielen/
Black, glossy film: https://bdsm-leben.de/live-and-love/kinks/folien-bondage/
Latex mask: https://sadomaso.com/lexicon/latex-maske
Severe anxiety in confined or enclosed spaces: https://www.deine-gesundheitswelt.de/balance-ernaehrung/klaustrophobie
