Vows of fidelity? Open relationship? Within the relationship without a condom? The guys from ICH WEISS WAS ICH TU deal with the topic of relationships and protection against HIV in very different ways. A conversation with Christian, Harry and Stephan
Most gay men protect themselves against HIV - but they choose very different strategies.
Harry only has safer sex outside of the relationship - so that he and his boyfriend don't use condoms. Stephan did exactly the same - and contracted HIV in the process. And Christian longs for great love à la Hollywood. Until then, he will definitely use condoms.
We got Christian, Harry and Stephan talking to each other. By the way: after Christian and Stephan moved some time ago, all three now live in Berlin.
Congratulations, Stephan, you've just got married. Are the wild times over now?
Stephan: No! Absolutely nothing will change.
So why did you get married?
Stephan: We wanted to protect each other. I'm HIV-positive and he has severe liver problems. If one of us is ever hospitalised, I want the other to be informed. And I couldn't keep our flat on my own.
But are feelings also involved?
Stephan: (laughs) We love each other very much! But we each have our freedom. And when we go to the scene together to have sex, we look out for each other.
Christian: Oh God!
Christian, is that very strange to you?
Christian: The open relationship thing just isn't mine.
Your slogan is "I believe in great love". What does that mean for you?
Christian: My idea is probably influenced by all those Hollywood films: you love each other, are happy and want to share everything with each other ... Maybe that's a bit unrealistic, but that's how I want it to be.
Are you in a relationship right now?
Christian: The last one passed a few months ago, after a year and a half.
Loyalty problems?
Christian: No! He lied to me about some very important issues.
Stephan: You see, that's exactly what I don't want any more. I'm in favour of always playing with open cards and not bending over backwards. Dishonesty was also the reason why I got infected. My ex and I had agreed that yes, we would have sex with other people, but only with a condom outside of the relationship and not inside. The result: both positive.
Christian: (startled) No!
Harry, like many gay couples, you have the same agreement with your boyfriend. How do you feel when you hear that Stephan has become so infected?
Harry: Of course, that can make you nervous. But I can't imagine my relationship any other way. I want it that way and I feel comfortable with it. Absolute security is an illusion, and there are many couples for whom this model works well. For me and my boyfriend, it was also clear from the start that we wanted an open relationship. Anything else is too complicated for us.
Christian: But why? Why can't you imagine the other?
Harry: Fucking is beautiful! And new Getting to know men is always a bit of an adventure.
Is it difficult for you to live such a relationship model?
Harry: Unfortunately, nothing is simple. But I wouldn't describe it as complicated either. There were one or two small accidents. Someone once squirted in my mouth at a sex party.
How did you deal with it?
Harry: We talked about it. It's always a daft situation, of course. But in the end, it's a good feeling: you know that you'll continue to have this open and honest relationship with each other.
Stephan, do you regret choosing this relationship model because you became so infected?
Stephan: I would definitely do it again in exactly the same way! Although I know how much it sucks to have HIV. For me, the negative effects of HIV started as soon as I was infected and I have a lot of problems with side effects and resistant viruses.
Christian, did you have safe sex in your relationship?
Christian: Yes, except for one or two times at the beginning. That was pretty careless without doing a test first. But luckily everything went well. After that, we only had safe sex.
How would you handle things in a long-term relationship?
Christian: I don't know exactly. It always depends on the person you get to know. Whether you have confidence in them.
Stephan, what do you think about safer sex now?
Stephan: We rarely have sex together. But when we do, it's safe sex because he's negative. My viral load is below the detection limit, so the risk of infection isn't that high. But I'm extremely careful with him. [Information on the risk of infection during HIV therapy can be found in the Safer Sex FAQ section under "Can an HIV-positive person actually not be infectious?"].
Christian: And why do you rarely have sex?
Stephan: Rarely together and rarely in such a way that something could happen. We both like to be passive. That's why we usually have a third person with us or go our separate ways sexually. Two cans on top of each other - that rattles. (laughs)
(Interview: Holger Wicht)
The boys' stories in detail (text and videos):
