Discovering new sexual territory - a personal travelogue

It can be a challenge as a trans man to go into a darkroom for the first time or to arrange a sex date with a gay guy. How will another man react in the darkroom if he grabs my crotch and there's no cock to feel? And if I invite a guy round to my place, will we feel as comfortable with each other as we had hoped in the chat? Exploring new sexual territory can also be exciting, pleasurable, nerve-wracking and frustrating at the same time. This is what I want to talk about in this text; however, I don't want to present a scientific treatise, but rather write down my own experiences and cursory thoughts on the subject.

My perspective is that of a trans man, meaning that I was given a little pink bracelet after birth, which identified me as a girl, but as my life progressed I realised that this didn't fit. When I tried, more badly than well, to find a place as a supposed woman in this society, I first came out as a lesbian. I was attracted to women, sex with a man didn't really occur to me, even though I had also had experiences with individual men because I thought that was part of it. I couldn't really imagine that this would gradually change during my transition.

My relationship with sexuality was not an easy one, because I found it difficult to experience good sex because I felt so profoundly uncomfortable in my body. I could never really give myself to another person. But with the transition, I suddenly had new fantasies and a libido that was boosted by testosterone to the level of a 14-year-old boy. Masturbation was more fun than before and helped me to get to know my body in a new way. After all, I'd had breast surgery and also had my reproductive organs removed.

The more comfortable I felt in my body, the more willing I was to embrace my new fantasies and even try out sex dates with men. Now the question arose as to how the mountain comes to the prophet. Curious, I finally registered with Planetromeo, which is also known in the community as the gay registration office. I still remember sitting at my computer one evening in 2012 and staring at the screen. Gayromeo was open in front of me and I was pondering how I should design my profile. Here you are faced with the challenge of translating your own longings and desires into a profile text. On top of that, there was the fact that I hadn't had a genital reassignment surgery and that someone should probably know better before deciding to go on a date with me. What would happen if I described who I was and what I was looking for? Would I be thrown out faster than I wrote this text? Will anyone be interested in me at all?

Discovering new sexual territory is best done with an experienced travelling companion...

Creating a meaningful profile text that is inviting rather than scary is an art in itself and doesn't end with the first version - rather, this development is part of my very personal exploration of my sexual desires. Discovering new sexual territory is best done with an experienced travelling companion and so I am still glad that my first date was with a gay man who had already had sex with other trans men. I was nervous at first, but that turned out to be unnecessary because H. was very likeable and then everything just fell into place. After that I realised: I want more of that! And I got it.

My first visit to a darkroom was a different kind of experience. In 2012, I was visiting a gay friend when I brought up the subject with him and said that I was very curious to see what something like this looked like from the inside. Taking me at my word, he quite spontaneously dragged me into a darkroom. As we walked from the bar area into the dark catacombs, I slipped out in my naivety "Oh, it's dark in here!", which a stranger acknowledged with "Then switch on the light!". At some point, I wandered alone through the dark corridors of the rather busy location and was fascinated by the hustle and bustle. However, I was frustrated because I had no idea how to join in. The unwritten etiquette remained literally in the dark at first. However, since it was explained to me, I no longer have any problems moving around and having sex in darkrooms and saunas.

But I'm not the only one experiencing new things, I'm also making others want to try something new, namely sex with trans men. I get a lot of messages via Planetromeo, most of them from men who have never had sex with a trans man but have now become curious because of my description. Among them are also men who previously only had sex with cis men. So the roles were reversed and it was now up to me to take away the nervousness of those who were excited. For some, it started with what words they could use when talking to me. As I am rather unorthodox and place more value on both sides knowing what they are talking about, I encourage my counterpart to put anatomy and sex practices into their own words and reassure them that I am not going to the ceiling.

Being sexually open to new things requires a certain amount of self-confidence - you should also feel comfortable, as I have realised myself. However, this cannot be forced. If you get involved with new people and new sexual practices, you are entering the unknown and hoping that it will resolve itself in a hot orgasm. The moment you reveal your inexperience also makes you vulnerable. This vulnerability is not just reserved for me, cis men can also experience such moments.

For me, moments like these are the exciting thing about dating strangers. But sometimes you realise that it's not the right fit after all or you even lose the courage to get involved with the stranger and the new person. This also happens to me from time to time. All this makes the search for a hot sex date somewhat unpredictable. It's difficult to counter this risk with pedagogical means. We all have to put up with it. I now have a good sense of who I could get horny with and who not. Accordingly, I consistently concentrate on the former.

Although it's always exciting to meet someone for the first time and I do feel a little vulnerable when I'm unsure whether we'll actually have a hot date, I've been lucky overall and experienced very little rejection. And that's despite the fact that I'm not exactly a poster boy. So I can't join in the complaints about a discriminatory scene.

I have only experienced trans hostility so rarely here that I chalk it up to "there are idiots everywhere". Rejection and rejection, when I have experienced it, was conveyed to me in the same way as to any other man. It was crucial for me to be able to accept my body as it is now and no longer have a tense relationship with my sexual desires. I can convey this to others accordingly, which is why I assume that this is one of the reasons why I immediately attract those who are most likely to be a good match. Of course, this in turn gives me the confidence to keep going on new dates. I now particularly enjoy introducing men who are completely new to my genital equipment to things that were previously unfamiliar to them.