Clean laundry

Gay sex can be quite exhausting. Because before the act even starts, some men organise a veritable cleaning marathon. Our author has written down his thoughts on the subject.

These super-clean gay men with their fabric softener-clean towels have often caused me to make spiteful comments - even if only to friends. What a split relationship they must have with their sexuality, indeed with their entire masculinity and homosexuality. Every time it's time to fuck, a clean white towel is pulled from somewhere and quickly placed under my or his well-rinsed arse. Or rather: under the cocks and arses that are soon to be joined, out of sheer fear that this union could juice up the nice, clean bed - marriage bed.

There's something American about it, something from the glossy porn films before the time when everyone made their own sex films. Maybe a Bel Ami film or one from Falcon Studios. With shaved armpits, bleached holes and synchronised moaning noises. A sexual perfectionism that can only make you horny if you have eradicated everything spontaneous and surprising from sex in order to find clean fulfilment in it.

Many people can't do without a towel

In short: putting a towel under my arse shows me that there is something dirty about it, something that should not come into contact with the real world of the clean bed. So back to secrecy after all? Colourful homo parade on the outside, white linen on the inside? It's a bit like the eternal rinsing cures. Yes, this is an arse and faeces come out of it. Therefore, it will also be possible to find poo crumbs on objects and body parts that were previously shoved up this arse. But is that why you should abstain from anal sex? Just because you're not flushed? Or only with a condom despite PrEP? Some now say: yes. I say: conditionally. Of course, it depends on how much you need it. How much you're prepared to get dirty.

And that's why I understand the potty-clean towel practice in the end. After an attractive sexual partner recently brought his personal lubricant with him and I was happy to use the gift - together with him - without putting a towel underneath and washing the sheets after the act. The lube stains coloured the bright pink of my bed linen at irregular intervals as roundish oval stains in a dark, washed-out pink. The sheets will forever bear the remnants of this awesome encounter. A reminder of something that was only meant to be temporary. Unfortunately, the resulting stain monument failed to fulfil its purpose if it was to be dedicated as such; the fact is: I have a bed sheet soaked in lube that looks dirty despite the freshest wash. I wish I'd put a towel under the juicy goings-on!

"They perform anal French kisses - only to be terrified of the visible monument to their lust on the bed sheets the next moment."

There are certainly men who would give themselves up as a towel and lie under the smacking front and rear organs of lust instead - with their mouths wide open, gratefully absorbing the last of the honey-salty bodily juices. But you don't always have a perverted pleasure-dripping friend at hand - and perhaps you don't want to have intercourse with your current partner over the face of a swallowing slave bursting with lust.

Now we don't need to go that far - far in inverted commas, of course - into the realms of perversion. Let's pause for a moment for some ordinary arse-licking. To come back to what I said above: Even those who, according to American cleanliness customs, take the precaution of putting on a terrycloth apron at the very thought of sexual activity, regularly lick the very places from which the dreaded faecal crumbs threaten to tumble through lustful activity. They perform rectal tongue kisses - only to fear the visible monument to their lust on the bed sheets the next moment.

But these days, I usually only get to kiss my anus with my tongue if I've managed to protect it from any discharge by rinsing it for several minutes. In other words: rinsing until the water that comes out is cleaner than the water that was sprayed into my bowels from the shower hose. I was once taught that a quick flush was enough for a quick number, just put the water in, empty it and get on with the fun. However, I also had bad experiences with this because it was dirty. And we don't want to put unnecessary strain on the white towels.

And so I stick to the second tip: always rinse with lukewarm water for 7 seconds, as long as possible. Empty. Repeat until the anus resembles a clean indoor fountain. That sounds so simple. But you should rush to the bowl in good time as long as there are solids. You don't want to have to push the poo balls down the drain by hand. Yes, that's unappetising. But who talks about it? You should at least take enough time and do a bit of planning if you have to cross obstacles such as a bathtub wall, which is not necessarily easy with a lot of anal flushing pressure.

"Everything doubly complicated on the gay sheet"

And no matter how carefully you consider every nook and cranny of the bathroom and bowels, the worry remains: Will a flake of faeces fall onto RammHengst72's white sheets? Even during the act, I'm still thinking about whether anything will go wrong. And I'm completely delighted when he - a top like you'd expect - without ever wanting to soil his own sheets, stretches his thing out to me, which has just pierced through my coils, and it shines, completely flesh-coloured and unsoiled. I think to myself briefly: No, I'm not going to put that in my mouth. But while this thought is forming, I am already orally filled, so to speak.

Has it always been like this? Did gays have to rinse all their orifices 100 years ago and then have their sex partner put all kinds of cloths underneath them like on a nappy-changing table so that they didn't stain the other person's furnishings with their body and lust? Probably not. People didn't shave their armpits back then either. But the hair has returned - only cleaned and combed through to remove the dirt. So rather: everything was twice as complicated on the gay sheets. The clean white linen comes at a price. A little obsessive cleanliness would have done my pink sheets a world of good.