My search for uninhibitedness

"Open your mouth," said the guy I didn't even know. Found on Gayromeo a few hours ago, I was now sitting naked and horny between his legs at his house. I didn't know what he was up to, but I opened my mouth anyway. He placed a small round pill on my tongue. I swallowed it. Only then did I ask what it was. 'Ectasy,' he said curtly. I'd never taken drugs before, I was curious to see what effect it would have.

Today, 17 years later, I have a clean sex life. I don't even drink alcohol anymore. The fear is too great that I'll take something again and lose control. After all, no one can guarantee that I'll manage to stop again and I don't want to fall into the downward spiral again.

It feels great

Back to the night, 17 years ago: The pill started to work at some point. Gradually, but pleasantly. My skin tingled and became more and more sensitive. I felt the strange man's touch more intensely than ever before. Every touch of our lips was like an explosion. "It feels amazing," I moaned and we fucked hard and unrestrained all night. It was the best sex of my life.

I was 23 years old at the time and had just moved to Berlin. Out of the small town and into the big city. I wanted to be free, live it up and find what I had been looking for for years - recognition, warmth and security. After my first night at Chems, I wanted more of it. I kept thinking about the intensity of the feelings and touch. Everything went so deep under my skin and seemed to touch me at my core. So I kept looking for it, online or in clubs, and found men who would fuck me for hours.

The Chems helped me to break down all my inhibitions, I became more passionate and greedy. The drugs also made me feel desired. After all, all the men in the clubs wanted me. I was loved and I wanted more and more of the intensity, the touch.

At some point, I no longer chose my sex partners based on their attractiveness, but on what they could make me happy with, at least for the moment. My sex life was dominated by Chems. Substances took up more and more space in my thoughts. I found sex without drugs boring and simply no longer wanted it. Instead, I wanted intensity, passion and uninhibitedness: I wanted to be loved more and more.

It almost went wrong twice. I took too many substances all at once. The first time, I called a friend who looked after me that night and the following day. The second time, I stayed alone. My sex date had already disappeared, my left arm hurt and I had a twinge in my chest. A mild heart attack? My mobile phone was next to me, I wanted to call an ambulance, but I wasn't in a position to do so. I just lay there and couldn't move. As I slowly dozed off, I started to cry and was already saying goodbye in my mind. I was sure that I would never wake up again. I was wrong and woke up again, but I still didn't change my behaviour. My personal low point didn't come until eleven years later.

I was always looking for a bigger kick, a better feeling and at 34 I crossed that one line I'd never dared to cross before. I texted for hours with a guy I already knew. We got each other high, wanted to fuck and arranged to meet for an orgy in a Berlin basement. There we fucked through the basement rooms, let off steam and went to the toilet every now and then to do a line. At one point, I was lying in a sling with my legs up, passively taking part in a fisting session. "Do you want a shot?" a guy asked me. Without thinking about it, I said yes and watched the naked man with the big stiff cock as he pulled the syringe open, attached it and gave me a shot

So now the stuff was inside me and more and more guys gathered around me - I can't remember how many - and played with my arsehole. Then it started to tingle. I felt more intoxicated than ever before until a fist slid through my rosette - and I cried out in pain.

I was back in the moment, clear with myself, and the pain was unbearable. What had I done? I looked for my clothes, left the naked horde of men confused and went home - full of guilt and shame.

This moment stayed in my memory. I now realised that I had a problem and that I couldn't manage it on my own. A short time later, I started withdrawal therapy in a clinic. It was not an easy time. There were repeated setbacks and I had to learn a lot about myself. But the efforts were worth it. Today I'm having sex again without staying up all night or cumming five times an hour. I have learnt to be passionate and uninhibited, completely without drugs.