Grindr and my obsession with it

Our author spends a lot of time on Grindr - just like many men who sleep with men. In this text, he tries to reflect on his behaviour.

Brrrrrrp goes my mobile phone. A sound that pretty much all men who sleep with men know. It makes people laugh in public and in meetings. It says: someone is looking for sex via app. It's the message sound from Grindr.

Over 27 million people worldwide are said to be registered on the app. Although there is the opportunity to make friends or acquaintances, the focus is clearly on the search for sex - whether uninhibited or flower sex, it doesn't matter. In pairs, with two others, with four or in even larger groups - it doesn't matter. People all over the world are looking for sex on Grindr.

I first downloaded Grindr when I was, I think, 17. I was still naive back then and thought that the guys who sent me pictures of their dicks would be the love of my life. I fell in love and fell flat on my face. A relationship never materialised via Grindr. Instead, I sometimes had hot and sometimes not so hot sex and occasionally got sexually transmitted diseases.

When I moved to the capital in my early 20s, Grindr became increasingly important in my life. From then on, one sex date followed the next. I convinced myself that I was only using Grindr to find the right partner. The one man who was made for me. Instead, I had a lot of dicks who were only there for a moment.

Nevertheless, I imagine that I had a healthier relationship with the app as a young student. I was young and good-looking. A twink in the urban jungle - that was attractive. All the attention resulted in a certain arrogance: I was a hot commodity and waited for messages from hungry men. Today there's more insecurity.

All that was ten years ago. Today I'm no longer the super young twink that everyone wants to fuck. I'm older, not as slim as I was back then and not as random. I'm picky. However, Grindr is still on my mobile phone every now and then. And my relationship with it isn't particularly good.

After my last breakup, I spent days looking at headless torsos, giving taps and being everywhere but in the present moment. I got and sent dickpics. I texted guys and, at least in the beginning, felt like having sex with them. After a few dates, however, this levelled off. What remained was the thrill of excitement, the sinking feeling in my stomach that runs through my body when a man asks me if I want to have sex with him. Chasing six-packs, bulging cocks and round arses. A hormone cocktail that can become a drug.

While I'm glued to my mobile phone, I often don't notice how time flies. I am captivated. The mobile phone is glued to my hand and I'm unable to put it down. It usually takes a while before I realise what I'm actually doing, that I'm refreshing the app for the tenth time to scroll all the way down again. Maybe there's a new, different guy there that I can have sex with.

Then I delete the app, only to download it again two or three days later and set up a new account. Sometimes I write to men from different accounts within a few days. It comes across strangely, they become sceptical. And I don't feel good either.

Why do I do it anyway? Why don't I just leave Grindr on my mobile phone? Or why don't I delete it completely? Why don't I manage to use it in a moderate way?

"What you forbid yourself becomes an obsession," says my therapist. The more something is suppressed, a behaviour or a desire, the more it becomes part of our thoughts and we can't let it go. That makes sense. But what am I forbidding myself? Feeling my feelings? Or having sex with "XL Hung" from next door?

I know I'm bad at being alone with myself. Every time I was travelling alone on business, I downloaded Grindr. However, I never had the intention of meeting someone. It was just a distraction. In some situations, I found it really bad to sit there alone in silence with myself. Do I miss the presence and connection to other people in such moments when I download Grindr for the hundredth time? Maybe.

When I'm on the app, I see a lot of men who are online all day. I don't know their patterns and thoughts, but they also seem to be looking for something. Whether it's a distraction, a hot fuck or great love. In any case, I'm not alone in my behaviour. I'm not sure if Grindr is a place to find anything at all or rather a place to learn: what you want, what you don't want and what fulfils you. But the question, if Grindr is not the answer, is still: Where can I find what makes me happy? On the way to the answer, which will hopefully come at some point, I try not to forbid myself anything: Neither my feelings nor sex with "XL Hung" from next door.