My path in chemsex: one-way street into the sunset
Chemsex was an important part of Karl Anton Gerber's sexuality for a short but very intense period. He also managed to quit using with the help of the book "Lust, Men, and Meth" by David Fawcett. He was so enthusiastic about the book that he translated it into German. Jörn Valldorf spoke to him for our blog.
What was your sex life like before you started having chemsex?
Karl-Anton Gerber: My desire for a steady relationship never materialised throughout my life, so I was never a child of sadness. And judging by what I did when I was intoxicated, it didn't go beyond "flower sex" before. The later consumer sex was then uninhibited, it was sex for the sake of sex. No matter with whom. The main thing was that someone was there. It was different before. I was very careful about who I had sex with.
Do you remember how you came into contact with chemsex?
KAG: The first time I was offered "Tina" (scene name for crystal meth; editor's note) was around 2012. That was long before my first use. But the guy who offered it to me couldn't really explain to me what it actually was and how it worked. That's why I refused. The next day I had to google what it was. I was really clueless. At the same time, I was working at RTL-NITRO at the time and we had the series "Breaking Bad" in the programme - when I saw that, it was clear to me: Crystal doesn't work at all.
Would you like to tell us how you ended up using after all?
KAG: My first time using was with a guy in his early 20s, incredibly well-trained, somehow really porny. We knew each other from various group parties and I also knew that he was a user. And at some point, I suddenly had this rattling hot guy all to myself. On top of that, I was single again, my job wasn't going well and he was also down and lovesick. Then something happened that I only really realised afterwards. I thought to myself: 'Wow, the sex with this guy was really great, if we can take it to the next level and get on the same wavelength together by consuming, then we'll ride off into the sunset together. The old dream was back: relationship, marriage, having children. So I had found my drug with crystal meth. craving craving (craving for "irresistible desire"; the editors).
What happened next?
KAG: It didn't happen so quickly at first, because I realised that something really big had happened to me. The next chemsex was only three months later. It was after a friend's wedding. It was super romantically staged, it was incredibly cheesy and everyone was so warm and loving towards each other. When I left the party, I was drunk and very melancholy. When I got home, I opened the "blue pages" and actually wanted to find something for my heart.
For the heart?
KAG: No, for bed, of course. But the ulterior motive was always to find the right guy at some point. During this search, I came across a guy who said he'd been "on" for three days and still had something there. I then met up with him, but was kicked out after half an hour.
Why?
KAG: I was very cuddly in my melancholy and had the feeling that he needed closeness rather than sex. But he just wanted to be taken roughly, which no longer worked for me. I had previously gone through a phase with amphetamines and came across Androskat (erectile dysfunction medication; the ed.) because the blue pills were no longer working, and on my second attempt I immediately had a Priapism injected.
This is a Permanent erectionright?
KAG: Yes, but I didn't realise that straight away and only went to the clinic 28 hours later, which was almost too late. As a result, my tail looked so damaged that I didn't want to put it in front of others. I'm lucky that everything works again today and I don't need a prosthesis.
But that hasn't stopped you from continuing to use Chems?
KAG: No. I spoke to friends about it at the time. They advised me to look for a callboy. They certainly wouldn't turn me down because of my damaged cock. Everything had healed, but the scars were visible. I then found one who felt so warm and cosy again. Suddenly he said that he had something else with him and asked if we wanted a smoke.
And by smoking you don't mean weed?
KAG: No, I always mean crystal meth. But I have to say, and I'm very happy about this, I only ever smoked crystal and didn't use it intravenously. At some point it got on my nerves and I used it rectally.
Can you describe when you only had sex with substances?
KAG: It started with this callboy, with whom I then had an affair. I no longer had to pay for the sex, but I made sure that there was always enough stuff. In the beginning, we only did it at the weekend. At some point, he came round on a Wednesday and said: Let's have some. I refused at first because I had an incredibly important appointment at the office the next day. But we took it after all and, surprisingly, the appointment somehow still worked out. But then the "weekend rule" was broken and I also used during sex during the week.
From then on, your consumption increased?
KAG: Yes, and the crazy thing was that nobody seemed to notice. Neither my work colleagues nor my friends. But it's important for me to emphasise that I only really used for a very short period of time - from September 2019 to March 2020.
Would you have liked more support from your friends?
KAG: They couldn't have helped me at all, because my consumption took place in a parallel universe. To the outside world, I was the "successful philistine" with a subscription to the Philharmonie who sang in the Catholic choir. And at the same time, I was living in a consumer universe that was taking up more and more space and even liked to go out on Thursday evenings.
How has your sex changed as a result?
KAG: That also came gradually. In the beginning, I was still focussed on closeness and connection. But that changed. In the beginning, when I was still active, always with the help of Androskat, it still worked; but at some point I was just passive and was very rude with my partners. I wanted cock and sperm. The more the better and if someone couldn't cum, I left him standing there.
You've already said that you only really used for six months. Why did you stop?
KAG: It became increasingly unsatisfactory. The turning point came in a conversation with friends. I had promised them that I would drive them. Even though I was in a state where I shouldn't have done it. I am so grateful that I didn't have an accident. The next day, my friends wanted to talk to me and confronted me with the fact that they asked me three times yesterday if I had consumed anything. I said no three times. Honestly, I couldn't remember anything. Nothing at all. That was the point for me to say: Enough. I need help. This is not the life I want for myself.
Where did you find help?
KAG: I then summoned up the strength and went straight to the SHALK self-help group on Monday. I was then advised very strongly to go to a clinic. After a lot of back and forth and another relapse, I was finally admitted to a private clinic shortly before the first lockdown. And it's really difficult to find a good clinic that is really open about this topic. But I was lucky enough to have a good GP who knew about the subject and referred me to this clinic.
Did you come into contact with David Fawcett's book during the cure?
KAG: Yes. But funnily enough, not through the therapist team at the clinic, but through another client there. He had lived in London for a long time and recommended the English version to me. I then read the book and thought that I would like to talk to lots of people about it.
When you take all the factors together, can you estimate how much the book, the clinic and the therapy sessions have helped you in your recovery?
KAG: Fifty-fifty, I would say. The book brought me into contact with topics that were not addressed in the clinic, not even in the chemsex group. I realised a lot about myself while reading it. The thing that moved me the most was the self-deprecation that David Fawcett addresses in his book. Specifically in relation to me: my self-devaluation on the one hand as a gay man and on the other as an HIV-positive gay man. In the clinic, I started to learn how to treat myself as a gay man and all my parts in an appreciative way.
What would you say we as a community need from doctors, but also from ourselves, in order to treat ourselves well - with or without Chems?
KAG: Doctors need more expertise and understanding. And I expect less marginalisation, more acceptance and more knowledge about HIV prevention from the so-called community. Rejecting someone as a sexual partner in 2023 because they are HIV-positive is not an option.
Do you like your cock again in the meantime?
KAG: Yes, I like it again!
If you have any questions about your consumption, chemsex or sexuality, please contact one of our counselling projects:
https://www.aidshilfe.de/beratung
If you would like to find out more about chemsex:
https://sidekicks.berlin/chemsex/
First aid measures for chemsex can be found here:
https://www.aidshilfe.de/shop/pdf/10483
