How do you do it right with the scene? How do you find pleasure and avoid frustration? We asked two people who should know, because they've been doing it successfully for a long time: Reinhard Klenke from Heart's desire and IWWIT role model Georg
There is no such thing as "the gay scene" - there are many. The gay scene is everywhere where gay men meet: saunas, flaps, leather shops, (sex) parties or raves, cafés, but also private circles of friends, Schwusos district groups, gay choirs or gay sports clubs and even virtual chat rooms or portals on the Internet. Everyone creates their own personal mosaic, their own individual kaleidoscope, depending on what they like and what they are into. Not possible! Scenes are protected spaces among like-minded people and help you to set yourself apart, allowing you to find out who you are and what you like. But how do you find the right scene that suits you perfectly?
Don't worry - you can choose for yourself and help yourself to whatever you fancy in the supermarket. Sometimes you have to look a little more closely at the packaging, but you don't have to put anything in the trolley that you don't like.
It doesn't take that much to find the right scene. Reinhard Klenke, coordinator of the Herzenslust prevention project in Cologne, says: "You just have to be incredibly curious and set off on a journey. Just go to where people meet and get involved with curiosity."
Georg, the IWWIT role model with probably the most life experience, has already tried out many scenes in his life. His recipe for finding the right scene is very simple: "Wherever I felt comfortable was the right place for me. You can't be afraid to try things out and you have to have seen a lot to know what you like." The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Georg's tip: "Rely on your instincts! Don't be disappointed by failures. The more often you try, the more likely you are to find the right scene."
If you can't find what you're looking for, you can become active yourself and create your own new scene. Reinhard Klenke explains: "I'm already part of the older generation. Back then, there wasn't the range of offers that there is today. We had to invent our own scene. That still applies today." The effort is definitely worth it, he says: "Having a gay home is a great feeling."
It's clear that this doesn't always work: many people are familiar with scene frustration. Some are annoyed because the commercial scene is so sexualised. Others are dissatisfied because the prince in the shimmering armour isn't waiting for them in the darkroom. That doesn't have to be the case.
It's very easy to do something about scene frustration: The first step is to find out what you are actually looking for and need. The second step is to check your expectations and assess them realistically: if you are really looking for the love of your life with everlasting fidelity and rose petals on your pillow, the "fuck mare market" is probably not the right place for you.
Expectations can also be disappointed in other scenes: If you hope to meet the muscular handyman in the gay choir who will fix your life, you will probably be disappointed. And if you're looking for a cuddly bear at a gay sports club to spend the rest of your life as a cosy coach potato, you probably won't find it either.
For every scene, there are norms, values and rules. This is a group phenomenon. There are realistic norms and ideals that you can strive for: the norm of hitting the right note in a choir, for example, makes sense, can be realised by musical people and, if successful, provides moments of happiness and satisfaction.
So the crucial question is: do you use these norms and rules or are you subject to them? Do you determine them or do they dictate to you? Recognise your needs and be self-confident about them - that's the best way to combat frustration. If you don't feel comfortable in one scene, who is going to force you to go back there? There are plenty of other options and, above all, much better ones than being frustrated!
Reinhard Klenke concludes: "You can retreat in frustration and say: My home is my castle, but that's no good! I am convinced that there has to be a piece of home for everyone!"
Text: Clemens Glade
