Too small, too thin, too old, too little hair on the chest: rejections can have many reasons. But how does a trans* man deal with rejection? Where do you draw the line at discrimination? We conducted an interview with Alexander to find out.
Alexander, do you have a relaxed relationship with rejections?
The important thing is to differentiate: Does someone reject me as a person because I'm trans*? Or does he just not want to have sex with me?
Do some trans* men find it difficult to tell the difference?
I sometimes get that impression. Many trans* men I know relate rejection very strongly to their identity itself. Sometimes they get really frustrated verbally. Maybe there have already been three or four stupid comments that day. Then I can understand that from a human point of view. On the other hand, we all have to accept that not everyone fancies us. Whether trans* or not. That's part of going out.
How do you react when a friend unloads their frustrations on you?
Up to a certain point, it makes it easier to be really nasty to trans* men. But to accuse other people of trans* hostility just because they don't want to sleep with you is going too far for me. I would either say so directly or carefully try to develop strategies together to deal with baskets. Depending on the relationship we have with each other.
Do you have any tips on how to avoid sexual rejection?
I wouldn't call them tips. But I can tell you how I behave. For me, it's important to sound out the situation first. Does someone react at all to my attempts at flirting? How does a man look me in the eye? Is he open in conversation? I only mention my trans* identity when I am sure that the other person is basically empathetic and interested in me.
And then?
I think it's perfectly okay if someone makes it clear to me that sex is out of the question for them. The tone makes the music. Why should I be angry with someone who treats me with respect? The situation may not be easy for the other person either. The decisive factor for me is how this man behaves towards me later on.
In what way?
There have been times when someone has made a huge issue of my trans* identity behind my back. He seemed to be completely off his rocker about it and asked all sorts of people about it, along the lines of "would you have thought? I thought that was totally weird. However, it seemed that only he himself was interested in the gossip anyway.
Is there anything else that offends you more than a basket?
Poisonous compliments! Something like "Oh look, I wouldn't have thought that you used to be a woman." Or "Wow, you look pretty masculine for a trans* person." I find that unreflective and immature.
