Gay sex in times of Corona

So is a first date only possible with a mouth-nose cover and promiscuous, gay sex no longer conceivable for the time being because of corona? Gay sex has been severely restricted by coronavirus. The coronavirus distancing rules have limited our options for physical closeness severely restricted. We spoke to three gay men about their experiences and asked the expert Marco Kammholz asked what impact he sees the coronavirus pandemic having on gay sex. Gay men have already developed creative solutions to reconcile their own needs with the protective measures.

Stefan's His self-diagnosis is clear and unmistakable: "Chronically under-fucked" bangs out to visitors to his dating profile on Planetromeo. Normally, they would read "Looking for sex". Because sex, says Stefan, "is not a leisure activity for me at the weekend, but my daily fun. It's as much a part of it as my morning cup of coffee."

From the "little slut" to the "chaste nun"

The fact that his closest friends affectionately call him a "little slut" is no problem for the man in his mid-twenties. Stefan admits that sex is important to him, and preferably with new men all the time.

Since the end of March, Stefan has been given a new pet name by his friends: "chaste nun". Stefan sighs emphatically and melodramatically and then says very seriously: "I may be a promiscuous slut, but I'm not stupid either. You just have to be realistic: shagging around just isn't possible at the moment."

The coronavirus pandemic has not only brought Stefan's sex life to a standstill. During the tense weeks from March onwards and the associated contact restrictions and shop closures, life on the scene was also put on hold overnight. Cafés, bars and clubs were closed, and not just places where you could meet up with other LGBTIQ people. Places where men can have sex with men, such as saunas or darkrooms, were also closed.

At times, corona has turned gay (sex) life upside down.

Tom was in Argentina when the number of infections began to rise around the world. He had to cancel the internship for which he had travelled to South America. When the opportunity arose for a return flight at short notice, he jumped at the chance. It was not an easy decision, as he had fallen in love with an Argentinian shortly beforehand. The fledgling love did not last over the distance. That's why Tom didn't feel like looking for other sex partners straight away.

Since then, he has spent a lot of time alone and without dating apps - and has come to terms with himself.

"It made me realise that a lot of my drive for sexuality came from the need to prove to myself 'I can do it! You desperately try to build up your ego and get self-affirmation by having lots of sex partners. But instead of building up your self-confidence, it only undermines it even more."

Tom was, as he says, "late with everything". He had his first time at 20, "and I put myself under pressure, as if I had to catch up and compensate for something." Looking back, Tom recognises some decisions that weren't good for him.

Many gay men feel the same way as Tom.

Tom is not an isolated case in this respect, knows sex educator Marco Kammholz. He has spoken to many gay, bisexual and queer men about the impact of the pandemic on their sexuality at workshops during the summer months. "Corona demands a lot from quite a few gay men, especially when it comes to fulfilling their sexual needs," says Marco Kammholz. "I'm not one of those people who sees an opportunity in every crisis." Nevertheless, he repeatedly observes that participants in his workshops use the current situation to look at how they have organised their sexual life so far with a little distance. "It may then become clearer what function and meaning their own sexuality has. And how important or unimportant frequency, changing partners or a stable relationship are."

So less may be more, but above all, fewer sex partners - at least in theory - means fewer risks of contracting SARS-CoV-2. Corona has forced people back into relationships with two people. And sex is best with a steady partner - if that person exists in your life. Singles are therefore having a particularly difficult time. And people who live their sexuality promiscuously are accused of being "irresponsible".

And singles looking for a steady partner are in just as much trouble at the moment. How much closeness in the truest sense of the word can you allow? How romantic or hot can a date with mouth and nose protection or at least 1.50 metres distance be?

Total isolation is not a solution for Armin either

"There's no social distancing rule for me," says Armin grinning. "Anyone can get as close to me as they like." However, Armin is by no means as guileless as that might sound. For the first few weeks, the student completely avoided dating. There are people in his family who belong to the risk group. He also had to go into quarantine with his parents for a while.

After that, however, he quickly met up with friends again so as not to become lonely or even depressed, says Armin. "Reading crisis news every day, dealing with so many problems and just sitting at home alone: That's not good for the psyche." Armin has experienced a case like this in his circle of friends. Armin is certain that the coronavirus pandemic won't be over any time soon, even if there is a vaccine. "That's why it's important to find a way to deal with it. Everyday life has to go on somehow".

Since the coronavirus measures have been relaxed, Armin is no longer just meeting other boys virtually at dbnathe internet portal for LGBT young people, but also in real life.

Openly address the desire for precautionary measures

"However, I avoid closed rooms on dates and prefer to meet outdoors because I want to protect not only myself but also the other person. After all, I care about them."

Above all, Armin has decided not to play down the coronavirus and the fears and precautions associated with it, but simply to address them openly and honestly.

"If I don't know someone at all, I ask how they are and whether everything is OK. I try to make them feel like they can talk about anything - whether it's a recent cold or HIV, for example. Then we can discuss what we want to do about it in a relaxed manner." Armin also took this approach before coronavirus and has only had good experiences with it. "And if someone coughs now, I keep my distance, but also explain why I'm doing it. I just don't want to be quarantined again."

Gay sex has been severely restricted by Corona.

After dates is Tom He doesn't feel like it at the moment, he's still mourning his broken relationship too much. But when the time comes, Tom wants to take things slowly. So he doesn't go straight to bed with the other person, but first arranges to meet up a few times for coffee and a walk. One of the reasons for this, Tom explains, is to get a feeling from these conversations as to whether the other person is responsible enough to dare to be physically close.

"Physical closeness and sexuality are basic human needs."

Marco Kammholz, sex educator

The weeks and months in which Social or better Physical distancing were the absolute order of the day are fortunately behind us. Human encounters are possible again - albeit still with some restrictions. Be it walks or visits to a café. But how do you satisfy the need for touch and tenderness as well as the desire for sex when there is not (yet) that one - permanent - partner?

People in this situation can quickly get caught up in a maelstrom of conflicting emotions and thoughts when lust collides with fear of infection and unfulfilled longing and desire lead to anger, sadness and perhaps even despair.

"Physical closeness and sexuality are basic human needs," says Marco Kammholz. That's why it can't be morally reprehensible in principle if people look for a way to fulfil these needs - especially as this doesn't automatically mean being unreasonable or thoughtless.

Is a "corona fuckbuddy" the solution?

Some people have decided on a very pragmatic solution that allows protection and sex to be realised even without a steady relationship: an exclusive "fuckbuddy". In other words, a guy with whom you've had sex a few times and whom you trust. The reciprocal deal: we look after each other in everyday life, adhere to the coronavirus safety regulations and only have sex with each other.

Marco Kammholz also sees this model of "corona sex partners" as a special opportunity for introspection: "Anyone who reduces the number of their sex partners to fewer or just one due to the pandemic can ask themselves the question: Who actually remains and what characterises these men? In other words: what happens to your own sexual life during the pandemic?"

However, Kammholz also sees other aspects of how gay, bisexual and queer men are weighing up their sexual needs against the potential risk of infection in the face of coronavirus. "Just like the weekly shop, for some, sex dates or cruising in the park are on the agenda from time to time. Both are associated with residual risk. Why should you allow yourself to do one less than the other? I think that's a healthy attitude," says the sex educator.

Progressive sexual culture

To reduce the residual risk even further, many people skip kissing and cuddling during casual contact and get down to business all the quicker. People get down on their knees or bend over and give the coronavirus less of a chance. But glory holes are also currently experiencing a renaissance and can even be found in some homes recently - sometimes as a cardboard wall or a hole in a curtain.

"I am quite sure that the stubbornness and creativity of gays will help them to preserve this progressive sexual culture even in this pandemic (...)."

Marco Kammholz

"Over the decades, gay men have developed a sexual culture in which it is possible to deal with sex more freely and unhindered," says Marco Kammholz. "That's not so easy to shake. I'm quite sure that the stubbornness and creativity of gay men will help them to deal with the restrictions in this pandemic and at the same time preserve this progressive sexual culture."

Online sex can also be horny...

And yes, the boys and blokes are definitely creative. "Little slut" Stefan may have been objectively chaste in recent weeks, but that doesn't mean he was a good boy. "I've had a lot of fun with my friends," says Stefan in conversation - in keeping with the times via Zoom video conference - and laughs. He then holds a cardboard box in front of the camera and presents his impressive collection of dildos. They are also used in front of the camera from time to time. "Why should I have fun with them alone when others can watch me?".

So when, if not now, is the ideal opportunity to try cam sex or to explore your own erogenous zones and try out new ways to bring yourself to climax.

[Editor's note: The interviews were conducted in September before the rise in new coronavirus infections in October 2020].

The queer scene is also affected by the Coronavirus pandemic affected, whether through possible loneliness or financial difficulties. Do you want to help or are you looking for help? #WeForQueer lists projects that offer help or are looking for support themselves. Click through and find a suitable aid or solidarity campaign!