It was often just casual remarks that his parents used to disapprove of his gay lifestyle. Karsten fought for acceptance in his family for a long time, but in vain - and then broke off contact with them.
Homophobia in the family: Karsten* hasn't heard from his brother for over a year: no birthday greetings, no New Year's wishes. Until he recently received a text message announcing his wedding to his partner - and explicitly inviting Karsten to the celebration.
"Why is he writing me this at all? Just because he wanted to punch me in the face again, right?" Karsten asks this rhetorical question calmly and in a matter-of-fact tone, but the vibration in his voice reveals how much it still hurts him.
Karsten has broken up with his family: his siblings, parents and grandparents as well as two of his father's brothers. Just over a year ago, over the Christmas holidays of all days, there was another argument.
He had had enough of the xenophobic tirades, the long arguments about Pegida and xenophobia. Enough of the casual jibes against his homosexuality and the way Karsten lives his gay life.
Icy silence after coming out
But this time, the 23-year-old didn't want to let it go - and left early with his friend. Away from Dresden and back to the Ruhr region, where Karsten had moved after leaving school to start university. But above all, he wanted to stop having to justify and pretend that he was gay.
Karsten was 18 when he came out of the closet. Or rather: when he simply no longer wanted to deny his homosexuality. "I was getting ready for a date and my mum asked me snippily: 'Well, what's her name?" he says, describing the crucial situation. Karsten could have simply played it off or lied. But instead he replied with a counter question: "Why do you assume it's a 'she' and not a 'he'?"
That was the end of it, and after that Karsten's mum didn't speak to him for a week, but she spoke all the more intensively with friends and relatives. The oppressive atmosphere became increasingly unbearable and Karsten was fed up with people talking about him behind his back but not to him.
He confronted his mother, hoping for understanding, words of reconciliation and a commitment to him, no matter who he loved. Instead, however, his mother surprised him with accusations. "Why didn't you tell us this much earlier and keep it from us?"
***
"Why is that? Because I didn't dare," says Karsten. Because he had realised all too well what his parents thought about gays and lesbians. For example, through their disparaging remarks when prominent gays such as Klaus Wowereit, Guido Westerwelle or Dirk Bach appeared on the TV screen: "It was obvious that he would let himself be fucked in the arse."
"I didn't mean anything like that and it wasn't directed at you," Karsten's mum defended herself when he tried to explain his fear of coming out. "My parents told me that they had nothing against homosexuality, and in a way that's certainly true," says Karsten. "But they have something against being gay the way I live and understand it, namely also as something political - as something I don't hide, but actively and naturally live. But they want a copy of heterosexual life, at least what they understand it to be."
A life like that of Karsten's brother: with a girlfriend, marriage and a child. It was talked about everywhere in the family, but not Karsten's relationship. "Everyone made it clear to me that my love for my boyfriend was not of equal value."
Tolerance, as long as being gay is lived discreetly
When Karsten's father is invited by a colleague to celebrate his registered civil partnership with her girlfriend, he stays away from the party. "He went to all his other colleagues' weddings, without exception," says Karsten. His father's behaviour made him ashamed - and at the same time hurt him to the core, because it was also a sign to his son: his relationships, his love, his homosexuality - his father would never accept and perceive this as equal.
"Young people used to be thrown out of their homes because they were gay; that was inhumane, but at least it was a very clear attitude," says Karsten, and at first you don't realise how much sarcasm is actually in this sentence. Today, however, most people are tolerant - as long as being gay is lived discreetly according to bourgeois ideas. The fact that Karsten and his boyfriend had decided to have an open relationship and that he occasionally had sex with other men in the gay sauna was not understood by the family.
***
In view of these experiences, Karsten would have preferred to hide his positive test result from his family. However, the counselling at the AIDS service organisation and his positive group encouraged him to talk to them. This did not make the relationship any easier.
Only a few months later, they broke up. "The accusations and discussions were certainly a reason. But my HIV infection was not the only reason why I ultimately broke off contact." It is important for Karsten to make this clear, also to himself. And also to his family.
"I'm not just gay, I'm also HIV-positive and active in queer projects"
Karsten had always had political differences in his conservative parental home. "I hardly ever left out anything that contradicted their views: I'm not just gay, I'm also HIV-positive and active in queer projects. I'm a vegetarian, a member of the Green Party and support ProAsyl," says Karsten, grinning a little smugly.
"At that time, however, it was just starting with Pegida, and I could no longer bear the xenophobia and open hatred that had suddenly come to light in my family. I no longer wanted to put up with it," explains Karsten. "I have a lot of migrants and Muslims among my friends and I told my parents clearly: as long as they insult and marginalise them, I can't sit at the same table with them."
The fact that his family never really accepted his gayness and his life only made him more firm and clear in his political stance. "And it certainly moved me further to the left," says Karsten.
What Karsten doesn't want is to censor himself and only tell as much about his gay life and sexuality as is tolerated and desired. "I know a lot of gay people who only tell their parents what doesn't cause any contradiction. They shy away from conflict and therefore don't talk about or hide a lot of things. But how sincere or rather: how dishonest is such a relationship between gay sons and their parents? For example, if parents never think to enquire about their partner?"
But aren't gays and lesbians having a wonderful time in Germany compared to other countries? Aren't they allowed to fly the rainbow flag at the town hall during CSD, get married and enjoy all kinds of other rights?
"We are still far from being regarded as equals"
"Gays and lesbians are supposedly doing so well: we are recognised and have been granted almost all rights. But that's deceptive." According to Karsten, the debates surrounding marriage for all, the victims of Paragraph 175 or homosexuality in education curricula make gays and lesbians realise time and again: "We are still far from being considered equal."
Angela Merkel's behaviour after the massacre at a queer party in Orlando was almost symptomatic for Karsten. It was only days after the attack and due to protests from the community that the Chancellor even named who the attack was aimed at. "But why is it such a problem to speak openly and naturally about gays and lesbians?" asks Karsten and immediately gives the answer: "Because many people in this society still don't take us for granted."
And Karsten is certain that all LGBTI people have a keen sense for these signals - however subtle they may be. "Signals that make it clear to us time and time again: We are second-class people. And you always have to be aware of what that does to you."
***
Karsten was ten years old when he realised that he liked boys. But he didn't come out until he was 18. "That was eight years in which I was afraid that my family would find out. I often lay in bed crying at night. I tried to think about a girl from school who had written me a love letter while I was wanking, but it didn't work. I ended up thinking about boys again. That made me despair and burst into tears," he recalls.
"I have mastered straight acting perfectly"
Just don't stand out, just don't blow the whistle. "I had a classmate in a parallel class who was bullied and physically attacked because of his homosexuality. He hardly had any friends and his school performance plummeted. Something like that shouldn't happen to me."
For fear of being mistaken for gay, Karsten tried to appear as straight as possible. "I mastered straight acting perfectly," he says. Colourful clothes were taboo, including short-sleeved T-shirts and shirts: "So that people couldn't see my arms, which I thought were too thin. I was afraid that I would be labelled as unmanly and therefore gay."
Vigilance and introspection
When gay men (and lesbians) are repeatedly confronted with derogatory comments about homosexuality among friends, in the family and at school, this leaves its mark. In social science, this is referred to as internalised homonegativity. For many gays and lesbians, it leads to a lack of self-esteem and self-isolation and can result in mental illnesses such as depression and addiction as well as an increased risk of suicide.
Not feeling accepted for who you are is not without consequences, says Karsten. "I've often asked myself why alcohol, sex and partying usually end in excess for me." Always to the point of crashing. "You should always be aware that this kind of behaviour doesn't always happen by chance, but that there can be connections," Karsten reflects on his experiences. "That doesn't excuse anything, but it requires vigilance and self-observation in order to be able to take countermeasures in good time."
"If talks don't work, you have to make a decision at some point"
For Karsten, taking countermeasures meant breaking away from his family. "If the people who are perhaps closest to you emotionally reject you because of HIV or being gay, if you find that discussions and open conversations don't achieve much, you have to make a decision at some point," he advises others.
Does Karsten miss his family? "Only at Christmas, really," he says. And that's only because everyone keeps asking where he's spending the holidays and afterwards how it was with his parents. "Then I think: 'Man, screw you all!' But I just have to get through it."
Half the truth
Karsten spent last Christmas with his friend and his family. "It was actually really nice together," says Karsten, briefly daydreaming and smiling to himself. "No, I don't actually miss my family," he adds.
"There are sometimes moments like that, especially when I remember nice situations from my childhood, but then I realise: that's only half the truth."
The other truth remains as long as his parents and their attitude have not changed: about how Karsten loves and lives, but also towards refugees, Muslims and migrants.
* Name changed by the editors
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