This weekend, the "Positive Encounters" conference on living with HIV/AIDS will take place in Wolfsburg. All facets of living with HIV will be considered and discussed in lectures and workshops. More than 350 participants tell their stories and share their biographies.
Arif's (29)* story also symbolises his personal approach to HIV. He works at a research institute in Berlin. He was diagnosed with HIV in the spring. A conversation about how life with HIV continues.
Arif, when did you find out that you were positive?
In February 2012, I fell ill in January. I always had protected sex. Only once not, that was last summer. At the time, I thought to myself: either I'm lucky or unlucky. When I fell ill, I initially thought it was a normal cold, as it was winter at the time. But then the other symptoms came along.
Which ones?
Night sweats, for example. I'd never had that before in my life. I had to get up at three o'clock every night and change the bed linen. I realised then that something was different. I talked about it with a friend who is positive himself. He was wide-eyed and told me I should definitely get tested. Then I had the test done.
How did you feel when you took the test?
That was unpleasant. But hope dies last. I thought to myself that an infection was very unlikely. The only time it happened without a condom? You start looking for other reasons. But I also asked myself the question: What would I do if the test came back positive? I went to the doctor, wavering between these two questions.
How did you feel after the diagnosis?
My sister was actually supposed to be there. But she lives further away and couldn't make it. So I went to the doctor alone. He then told me that he unfortunately had some bad news. But it wasn't the end of the world for me. Thanks to my positive friend, I knew that this 90s HIV no longer existed. But it was still unpleasant. And of course I asked myself: why did this happen to me of all people?
How has HIV changed your life?
I work at the university. I'm now focussing on a very specific question and trying to find a research group for it. The topic is very specialised and is not one of the big, well-paid topics. But I like it.
Would you have done it differently otherwise?
Not necessarily. But then I would have always been afraid: maybe you should go to an insurance company and work 80 hours a week after all? If I did that, I'd collapse after a few years. But before the diagnosis, I was undecided. Now I know for sure: an insurance job like that wouldn't be good for my immune system - working 80 hours a week just to make the boss happy.
Are you outed as positive in your workplace?
No, I don't want the word to get around either. People are not yet sufficiently enlightened. I also often encounter pressure to perform at university. And if you are chronically ill, you are no longer considered fully capable. I even believe that people there see a correlation between HIV and social background. They would immediately think that I no longer quite fit in.
What has changed in your private life?
In the first few months after the diagnosis, I didn't want to be alone. That's why I often stayed overnight with friends. They were surprised, but didn't ask any questions. Then we always watched DVDs together in the evening and had lots of conversations. This has led to very close friendships over the last few months. It's almost getting too much for me now. (laughs)
Are you watching your diet?
Yes, very precisely in fact. I now eat fish twice a week and lots of fruit and vegetables. My viral load values were very good right from the start. At the second test in May, the values even dropped. My body is doing this on its own for now. Is this due to the healthier diet? I don't know. What I need to do more of: sleep! And exercise. That's the next building site.
Have you already spoken to your doctor about the therapy?
Yes, he's watching this for the long term. The time will come at some point. But he explained to me that the medication will then be customised. We've already done a genetic test to check which active substances are suitable for me. Fortunately, all of them work for me. That was a lot of information to start with. I'm going to take it from here.
Have you had sex since the diagnosis?
Yes, but very listlessly. Maybe because I think I'm a danger? I can't switch off properly. Maybe that will come back with a new partner.
What bothers you most about HIV?
Perhaps the fact that the dream of finding a partner is somewhat limited.
Does HIV hinder the search for love?
I think Berlin is the bigger obstacle. (laughs) The big city doesn't let people settle down, they're always on the lookout. Apart from that: There are so many moments when I'm out and about and get to know someone and I really like them. But I have a brake in me and think: In the end, you'll only be sorry. It would be very sad if the relationship were to fail because of HIV. Sometimes I think it would be best to have a positive partner. That would make things easier. Then I could probably get to a state where HIV no longer exists for me. Then I would be completely free again. But maybe it's all still too new, too soon for me.
Do you know where you could have been infected?
Yes, I know for sure. We had an affair last summer. And he was ... naive. Once, on a beautiful summer evening, we had spontaneous sex, but there was no condom. It must have happened then. Otherwise I always protected myself. The affair ended after that. But that's a topic that doesn't help you at all. That's why I avoid remembering it. The good thing is: I'm to blame for the infection. I think you can forgive well if you've done something to yourself. But if I were to infect someone else, I would find it difficult to come to terms with it.
Have you ever cried because of your infection?
No, I'm more the repressive type. No tears come out of me. But sometimes I have written about the infection. I have a beautiful leather-bound notebook for this. I wrote my thoughts in it, especially on the evenings when I was feeling bad. I've also done this on other occasions. I always find it fascinating to reread what I used to think and feel a few years later.
*Name changed
