Billy used to weigh around 40 kilos more. In this interview, he describes how he saw himself during this time and what he experienced in the scene. And even though sport is part of his life today, he knows that a slimmer body isn't everything!
Model measurements? Not a chance! Billy, have you ever experienced this with yourself?
I had more and more weight on my ribs from an early age. When I was 16, I gained more and more weight and by the time I was 25 - in 2008 - I weighed 130 kilos at a height of 1.80 metres. The main reasons for the weight gain were family problems and the self-discovery phase after I realised that I was gay.
What happened?
I literally ate up a lot of problems with sweets back then, especially during my coming out. My mum came to terms with it straight away, but my dad didn't. So I had to learn twice to accept myself and be able to say: I'm gay and I'm fat. When I was able to stand up for myself, I went to a gay club for the first time and immediately felt the stares and the pressure.
What exactly did you encounter there?
Intolerance! Even if you appear to be tolerant on the outside, things often look very different amongst each other. Fatter people, for example, often experience devaluation. Not a comment like: "You fat pig!", but rather indirect, but unmistakable. Anything that is not within a certain range is quickly marginalised. I simply didn't fit the gay ideal! And hardly anyone was interested in me. It was very similar with dating portals.
So was it generally more difficult for you in the scene?
In society as a whole, a lot of attention is paid to appearance, no question about it. However, acceptance in the scene is more limited. However, I haven't experienced such negative judgement of my body in school or at work.
You look different today: What happened?
Initially, the reason for the weight loss was simply an extreme summer. I couldn't eat much because of the heat, I was out clubbing a lot and drank a lot of water. I lost almost 40 kilos and ended up weighing 82 kilos. I really went through all the dress sizes. I only started going to the gym from then on.
Didn't sport become stressful for you?
No, sport was and is not stressful for me: I enjoy the training sessions and have been able to socialise. Before that, I used to spend hours at home playing on my PC and focussing on my own deficits as conveyed by my environment. Personally, sport has helped me to get out of my inertia and broaden my perspective.
Sport is now as much a part of my life as brushing my teeth. But it's not like I spend my whole day doing it or let sport alone dictate my eating plan. For me, sport is simply a nice balance to everyday life, a hobby. But of course I also try to maintain my body weight through sport. Of course!
What has changed for you with this "new you" in the scene?
By losing weight and building muscle, you notice how your attractiveness increases. Since then I've been looked at, approached and written to very often, even by people who didn't want to know anything about me before. I was simply perceived differently. This naturally increases my own well-being and strengthens my self-confidence. Even if it's superficial, but who says "no" to nice comments?
Has this experience turned you into a pick-up artist yourself?
No, I've always been reserved. I was never the type to walk through the door and have everyone's eyes on me. However, I'm now more confident about making contact with others - by making eye contact, smiling or speaking to someone. That's easier now, of course.
So: "Body good, all good"?
With a slow metabolism, I am more inclined to get fat. So I'm not naturally a lean and sporty type. Even though I enjoy doing sport, it helps me to maintain my weight. That's why there's a certain mental limit. If I get over it, I'll do everything I can to lose weight again. In this respect, there is still a certain amount of pressure. But I don't put myself under stress: gaining a few kilos is absolutely fine. My weight has also levelled off well over the last two years.
"Accepting yourself for who you are might work if the people around you accepted it"
Many people put themselves under pressure because of their appearance. What would you say: What should you never do when it comes to your own body?
Of course, it's not always easy to be relaxed about your appearance and be kind to yourself. You need a strong character and good self-confidence so that you don't have any problems with being overweight. Accepting yourself as you are would perhaps work if those around you were accepting. However, it is often those around you who have more problems and not you.
You should therefore never go so far as to have cosmetic surgery for aesthetic reasons alone. I also have no sympathy for people who take certain supplements such as anabolic steroids or testosterone to build muscle. The side effects are extreme and you end up with a body that is no longer really your own. Admittedly: As you get older, it may become more difficult to maintain your weight. But then you should also realise what is important in life and that your body is no longer your top priority.
That sounds like a long way to go and a lot to do. What could perhaps help first?
I think it's great when fat people simply present themselves. Because a person can also impress with their appearance - not just with their body. I know that myself: It can be difficult to come out of your shell when you're shy. Especially if you're gay and a bit fatter. But it's worth it. And even if that's what you're always told: Your figure isn't everything! A beautiful body is no good if you can't speak three sentences and simply have no charisma! And many people who are so critical of others should take a look at themselves in the mirror first. They don't look ideal in daylight either ...
After all the body image stress: how are you feeling today?
I've become more mature and stronger, my coming out was a long time ago. I've simply grown with my life experience. My body is therefore no longer the centre of attention as it used to be. I am happy when I can maintain my weight through sport. At the moment it's 92 to 95 kilos. And I'm very happy with that. It's also nice to receive positive feedback from others. That's for sure!
But I know that myself: You can't please everyone. There are still some people who say "You've got too much on your ribs!". I'm not a top athlete. But I don't aspire to this supposed ideal either. Everyone should be realistic. It's important to me that I can see myself in the mirror and that I can cope with myself. And ultimately, it's not just about the body: what good is a great body if it's rotten on the inside? I feel good all round today and that's the main thing!
