Who dares to open up about their sex and love life on stage in front of an audience - from their first wet dream in their cot to bad experiences with crystal meth? Ben Strothmann has done it - and the world can currently watch him do it online. In his one-man show "Coming Clean", the 42-year-old talks about his life, first as a gay teenager in Milwaukee, then as a drug-addicted escort in New York.
[Editor's note: This article contains discussions about alcohol and drug use, as well as sexual transgressions].
It's funny at first: his first great love for a cartoon rooster, his artistic contortions to blow himself - and his gay rebirth as an actor in New York. But suddenly his play becomes more serious. The audience still has plenty to laugh about, but Ben talks about how his previous life has gradually worn him down. Out of curiosity and a need for money, he starts working as an escort. He talks about how he exploited his clients and how they dumped him in return. Drugs increasingly dominated his life. The title hints at it: "Coming Clean" ends on a conciliatory note. Ben has overcome his addiction because he has made peace with himself. A conversation about drugs, sex and loving yourself.
Ben, in "Coming Clean" you talk openly about your life, including sex work and drug use. Were you sometimes afraid of shocking your friends while writing?
Ben Strothmann: Very often, in fact! In my show, I even say to the audience once: "Listen, not everyone knows about this. Please don't tell anyone what you're hearing here tonight." At first I thought that I would only perform the play once and then never talk about it again. The funny thing is that this first performance was in a church, the Judson Memorial Church in New York. The church sees artists as messengers of God. That's why they are allowed to perform there. They don't tell you what you can or can't do there. Their only rule is: please refrain from hate speech!
At the beginning, your play seems like comedy. Everything is hilarious. Then it gets more serious and drastic. For example, you describe how you, as an escort, blow one of your clients and burst into tears. Even back then, you thought: "Some time this will sound funny like a scene from 'Showgirls'." (Editor's note: "At some point, this will sound as funny as a scene from 'Showgirls'.")
When I went on stage with the show for the first time, I had no idea it was comedy. I spoke to the audience, people laughed and I thought to myself: "Oh, this is obviously funny..." I realised from the first draft of "Coming Clean" that it was going to be a play about radical self-love. Accept yourself as you are - come what may! For no reason at all. Because: what else can you do with your life? I wanted to show people how I did it.
I realised from the first draft of "Coming Clean" that it would be a piece about radical self-love.
In some stark scenes, you interrupt your play and speak to "little Ben", the child inside you. A photo of you as a child then appears on a screen.
The idea of talking to my inner child and saying "I love you, Ben!" came about organically. For example, I remember a person I dated twelve years ago. I was going through withdrawal for the first time at the time. I told him on the phone that I had started talking to my inner child. As if I was his father. That's when I realised that he was crying on the other end of the line. That's when I realised: Oh! I've discovered something that helps others learn to love themselves.
Did you find it difficult to love yourself in the past?
Yes, very much. When I wrote the play, I was very interested in how people come up with the idea: "If anyone knew what I was really like, he or she could never love me". Why do people become like that? And how can you help someone who has got caught up in these thoughts? That's why I open up like this in the play, to say to people: "Listen! I'm standing here on stage talking about how I wet the bed and do other things I'm ashamed of. But I'm certainly not the only one in this room who has experienced something like that. The only difference is that I'm prepared to talk about it." I want everyone to know that you can be open and honest with the world - and still be loveable! I want to show people step by step: this is how I learnt to love myself. For example, because I can tell really good stories.
One of these stories is your first time - with crystal meth and "Rich, the dealer". Not only did he supply you with drugs, you also had great sex. Why do you remember this encounter so well?
I'm certainly not going to proclaim here: "Sex on drugs is so much better!" (laughs) But the good thing about this experience was that I managed to switch off the bad thoughts that usually buzz around in my head. Before that, I had never looked in the mirror and felt attractive. I describe this special moment in my piece: I go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and am amazed at what I see! I just think: "There's this hot guy next door who I'm about to go to bed with - and he gets all this. Namely me! What a lucky guy!" Although the feeling was artificial, it liberated me. I could enjoy the sex and felt physically and spiritually connected to Rich - without the stupid feeling that I wasn't good enough. That's how crystal meth works. A doctor once explained to me, "On crystal meth, you could have sex with a horse and think it's great fun." It removes the ability to feel bad. But only up to the point when you come down again. Then suddenly everything is terrible and terrifying.
Crystal meth removes the ability to feel bad. But only up to the point when you come down again. Then suddenly everything is terrible and terrifying.
It took you several attempts to be able to live without crystal meth again. The "Twelve Steps" helped you with this. You also abstained from sex for a year. How did that come about?
There is no one right way to get clean. And the "Twelve Steps" don't say: "You mustn't have sex!" But I had an experienced "sponsor", a mentor at my side. He was a Californian surfer dude with a huge beard. One of his first pieces of advice was: "No dating and no sex for a year." I said to him at the time: "Eh...? You don't know me at all. What makes you think I even need that?" And he said: "You'll be very busy with your relationship with yourself. You can't concentrate on it if you're distracted by other relationships."
Did you go through with it in the end?
Yes, because I realised at some point during my withdrawal attempts: Sex dates are the only thing I could replace alcohol and other drugs with. There were nights when I was just about to go to bed and thought: "Hm. I could actually ask someone out quickly." So I arranged a date, the guy came round, we had sex and he left. Afterwards, I thought again: "Hm. If I'm going to bed straight away anyway, I can quickly ask someone else out." So sometimes I had three men in a row. I don't want to complain about it, but I gradually realised: Just like alcohol and drugs, I was using another person as an escape to avoid being alone with my thoughts.
I treat my sexual partners much more sensitively these days.
What did you take away from your sexual fasting period?
I think I treat my sex partners much more sensitively these days. After the "#MeToo" debate, I hate to admit it, but I only invited many of my sex partners over to use them. That's how my brain was conditioned back then after seven years of pills, alcohol and trying to run away from myself. In the end, I realised: I have no right to do this to a person! Everyone exists for their own sake, everyone has their own needs. That's why I actually took some time off sexually to change my relationship with sex and intimacy.
A useful experience for surviving the corona lockdown...
Yeah, it seems like I've been training for the pandemic, doesn't it? Let's add another 14 months! (laughs) But seriously, the past year in lockdown has been a great opportunity for me to realise that I can actually enjoy being alone. It feels like having a good friend of mine over. But it's been hard work getting to this point.
What helps you to feel okay?
Just one example. I used to think that my circle of friends was constantly changing. That's why I literally made myself a spreadsheet so I wouldn't forget my best friends. It reminds me that gives People who love me and have always loved me! Sometimes I still feel lonely, but no longer in a sad way. I now appreciate my own company.
Your play is still online. But can we see you live in Germany?
Well... it's hard to say. I actually wanted to go to the CSD in Constance and before that at the "Animal Pride", a festival for animal rights. After that, I wanted to tour Germany. I've already had my first dose of the vaccine, but of course I know that I could still pass on the coronavirus, even if I don't fall ill myself. It would be irresponsible to start travelling around. Animal Pride is on 3 July and it's already March... I'm afraid our immunisation won't work that quickly.
Ben Strothmann (42) lives in New York and works as a theatre photographer, actor and drag queen. As Honey LaBronx, he hosts the podcast "Big Fat Vegan Radio" and in his "Vegan Drag Queen Cooking Show" on YouTube, he cooks good food without animal ingredients. A recording of his theatre piece "Coming Clean" is currently available online (ticket: 18 dollars):
www.vegandragqueen.com/coming-clean-a-play-by-ben-strothmann
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