Before his gender reassignment, Kay Garnellen was a lesbian. Today, the trans* man also likes men. Not everyone in the gay scene can cope with this. A portrait by Jayrôme C. Robinet
Pigeonholing makes it easier for people to sort others in or out. Anyone who doesn't easily fit into the predetermined mould causes irritation and uncertainty. In the worst case, however, they have to reckon with marginalisation and discrimination.
Transgender people, for example, question fixed ideas of gender and identity in many different ways. Kay Garnellen knows from personal experience how helpless, dismissive, but also curious the gay scene reacts to a queer trans* man.
Pansexual, bi-sexual or transsexual?
The 34-year-old performance artist and queer activist describes himself as 'trans*' and 'pansexual'. He simply desires people, regardless of their gender. "Bisexual doesn't work for me," he explains. "Bi implies a two-gender order, and I don't believe that there are only men and women. So I appropriated the word 'pansexual'."
Sexual orientation (straight, gay, bi, etc.) is often confused with gender identity (man, woman, trans*, inter*, etc.). "Even on GayRomeo, the largest German-language contact portal for gays, you have to clearly decide whether you are gay, bi or trans," Kay regrets.
Kay Garnellen is wearing a smart suit when we meet. This comes as no surprise when you realise that the French-born man, who has lived in Berlin for three years, previously worked as a financial analyst at the AXA Group in Cologne. The business administration graduate has come a long way since his transition from woman to man.
Today, he only wears suits because he thinks it's sexy. Sometimes he has a mohawk or blue painted fingernails, sometimes he colours his hair pink or wears make-up. And sometimes he opts for a businessman outfit. Kay not only likes to play with the sexes, but also with male norms.
I have not admitted my desire for men
His full beard reminds me of Captain Haddock from "Tintin". To round off the picture: As we talk, he smokes a pipe. Well, not a classic one, but an electronic model. A gift. Under his shirt, muscles and tattoos adorn his body. Does he now define himself as a bear? No, says Kay with a grin, he just wants to see how hairy he can be.
Before his gender reassignment, Kay Garnellen was a lesbian. "During puberty, I knew that I was different from the other girls. And I didn't want to play a girl." Girls should fall in love with boys? Good, so Kay would do it differently. "Then I thought: OK, if I desire women, I must be a lesbian. I didn't admit my desire for men."
Back then, it was important for him not to be seen as straight. Today, Kay's sexuality has become more diverse than he could ever have dreamed of: The spectrum ranges from explicit stage performances and sex work to acting in queer porn films.
Is sex between trans* men gay sex?
In 2011, Kay Garnellen played a hot sex scene together with Finn Ballard in Bruce LaBruce's short film "Offing Jack", which was also released in cinemas as part of the compilation "Fucking Different XXX - queer porn crossover". The concept of this short film anthology was: lesbians shoot gay porn and gays shoot lesbian porn.
Doesn't that implicitly mean that for Bruce LaBruce, sex between trans* men is not gay sex? "Trans* have shaken up the concept of 'fucking different' a bit," Kay admits, "but of course it could also be that there's a confusion between sexual orientation and gender identity again."
How does the gay scene react to gay trans* men? Firstly, you have to differentiate between the queer scene and the gay mainstream scene, explains Kay. In the queer community, it is not difficult to find cis men who want to and can do something with trans* men. (Cis men and women are people whose gender identity matches their physical gender).
"Oh, you're a girl?!"
"But it's different with mainstream gays. When I went to gay bars or darkrooms at the beginning, I preferred not to come out as trans*." And when Kay met a guy, he just blew him. His partner didn't realise that Kay was trans* at all - and Kay preferred that at such times.
"I didn't want to be different and I also didn't know if I could really feel protected in darkrooms." The fact that Kay doesn't have a cock made flirting difficult for him at first. "As soon as the guys found out, it started: 'Oh, you're a girl?
In 2009, a GayRomeo administrator deactivated the profile of a trans* man on the grounds that he did not have a cock and was therefore not authorised as a member of the portal. In response to the subsequent letter of complaint from a user, the administrators replied that transgender people are allowed to have a profile' "but these users should select the sexual orientation 'transgender' in their profile or they should make it clear in their profile text that they are transgender'". In other words: GayRomeo forces transgender people to come out publicly.
Many people wonder about my hair in particular
When it comes to dealing with trans* men, at least the Berlin gay scene seems to have become relatively open recently. Kay now has the confidence to come out. "If you pass as a man, that's ok for most people. We're all different anyway. No two tails are the same. Many people are surprised by my hair. I have more body hair than many of them!"
But Kay knows that his positive experiences are not shared by all gay trans* men. "Many don't dare approach a guy, flirt with him or go into darkrooms - for fear of being ostracised. I think I'm a bit lucky in that respect. That may also be due to my nature: I'm quite direct. But I never go to the sauna, for example. I don't want to be stared at strangely. Gays can be very cock-fixated."
Gays can be very cock-fixated
When Kay set up his escort profile on GayRomeo, business went badly at first. As soon as the clients found out that he was trans*, they cancelled. One day, he decided to stop revealing this detail in advance. He strapped on his harness, put in his favourite dildo and simply went on the date.
"I told the customer: 'I've got a dildo because I can't fuck you with my cock. The guy asked: Were you born like that? He didn't register me as trans*, but thought I had a micropenis. I answered his question in the affirmative. I've been telling people that ever since: I have a small cock, so I'd rather do you with a dildo."
Some go for it, others prefer a real cock. Or they ask if I'm intersex. Sometimes I say yes. I know from experience that it's over as soon as I say I was born a girl." Today, Kay's escort profile only says: "You can choose my cock size and I have a permanent boner."
Safer sex for trans* men
Safe sex is a basic requirement for Kay. You can only have sex with a condom. However, condoms are more difficult to enforce when giving a blow job. "I usually do it without, because I don't want to be rejected. I already have to do enough sex education with my trans*ness, and I don't want to talk for hours in the darkroom, I just want to have sex. Besides, giving a blowjob without a condom actually gives me more pleasure."
Studies have come to the conclusion that transgender people have a particularly high HIV infection rate. One of the reasons for this is the false assumption that FtM (female-to-male trans* people) have a lower HIV risk, which leads to unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse. In addition, some were persuaded to engage in unsafe sex practices for fear of rejection by their sex partners. They also shied away from important examinations and treatments due to negative experiences with doctors.
There are currently no special HIV prevention programmes for trans* people in Germany. How to protect the dicklit - the term formed from dick (cock) and clit (clitoris) for the genitals of trans* men - during sex, for example, is missing from the educational brochures for gay men.
Conventional condoms are unsuitable and leaking cloths slip. There is also no information available on whether trans* men are generally exposed to a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases because hormone treatment reduces the natural protection of the vaginal flora.
Positive examples from San Francisco and France
What educational work within the gay scene can look like can be learnt in San Francisco, for example. There, the gay sauna "Eros" has been campaigning for more visibility for gay trans* men for many years with flyers and brochures about sex practices, but also with get-together evenings and film events.
As early as 2010, the French association "OUTrans" Safer sex brochure "Dicklit et T Claques" has been published - especially for trans* men who have sex with men. And what is possible in the USA and France should also be possible in Germany!
Further links:
"Everything queer, or what?" - A glossary of gender identities, homosexuality and other sexualities
Link to the Study on HIV in the transgender community
