"I feel strong when my friend is with me". Vlad has HIV, his boyfriend Stephan is negative. What does this mean for their relationship? We spoke to Vlad and wrote down his story:
It's a good thing my friend Surya has a cat. Otherwise I wouldn't have met my friend. Surya had asked me to feed the animal while she was on holiday. I was lying on the sofa in her flat, didn't feel like doing anything and did what most gay men do in this situation: switch on Romeo and see if there were any sexy guys in the area. I liked Stephan immediately and after a few messages I asked him to go out for dinner with me.
I visited him the very next evening and after a while we were lying in each other's arms making out. At some point I remembered that I had forgotten something important. My tablets! For an HIV-positive person who takes their treatment seriously, there is hardly a more unpleasant situation. Stephan assumed that I would stay, but that was impossible. Around midnight, I got dressed and drove home.
I usually have no problem talking about my HIV status. I often do this on sex dates and am rather surprised at how many men want to fuck bare without clarifying this issue. I hesitated with Stephan because this wasn't a sex date. - I wanted more from this man.
But if I wanted more, then honesty was all the more important. So I plucked up my courage and held up the box of pills at the third meeting: "That's why I couldn't spend the night at your place the other night." I felt sick with fear and my whole body was shaking. And Stephan? He took me in his arms and said: "That doesn't change anything." I usually start to cry in emotional situations. That was also different with Stephan. I felt strong around him right from the start.
HIV has not played a major role in our relationship since then. We even have sex without a condom. The risk for Stephan is negligible because my viral load is below the detection limit and I have it checked every three months. There is only one question that Stephan occasionally asks about my infection: "Vlad, have you taken your tablets?"
Three questions for Vlad
1 Vlad, many positive people feel lonely. Did you just get lucky with Stephan?
I don't believe that. You have to be open for a relationship, then your HIV status doesn't matter. But I admit that I used to be afraid of not finding a boyfriend because of my infection. I was still living in Bucharest at the time and positive people are discriminated against much more in the scene there than in Berlin.
2. when did your worry evaporate?
At least since I've been in therapy. I lead a normal life, am healthy and can't infect anyone. That makes me self-confident. Before I met Stephan, I had already tried two relationships in Berlin. I ended the first attempt because I felt that my infection was standing between us. The second boyfriend was an employee of AIDS-Hilfe. His way of dealing with the issue helped me a lot, even though we didn't talk about it that often. We were together for a year and a half.
3. if you have sex outside the relationship: do you reveal that you are HIV-positive?
I actually do that most of the time on sex dates. I have been insulted two or three times, but there are usually no problems. When I go to Kitkat, on the other hand, I don't make an issue of my infection. Honestly, if you go to sex parties, you need to know what you're getting into.
HIV coming out: Who do I tell - and how?
If you want to come out as HIV-positive to your family, friends, partner or at work, you need courage and a few basic tips. You have to muster up the courage yourself, but we can give you a few pointers along the way:
https://www.aidshilfe.de/wem-sag-ichs
