David Duran is a blogger with The Huffington Post and freelancer at Out and the HIV Plus Magazine. In his contribution "I'm sorry my HIV offends you" (e.g. "Sorry that my HIV offends you"), which appeared on huffingtonpost.com on 15 March, he discusses how many men from the gay scene deal with their HIV-positive fellow brothers.
Many thanks to David for allowing us to publish his text here!
Dating apps make it easy to be an arsehole because you can simply hide behind your smartphone. Those who don't quickly come to terms with the fact that men can be pretty cruel online are easily hurt. Most of them don't mince their words and say clearly what they like and what they don't like. Some even write "no queers", "no Asians" or "no fat people" in their profiles - apparently "honesty" can also turn the ugly sides of the inside out. But what I find worst of all is the treatment of HIV-positive men who want pretty much the same thing as everyone else. "I'm clean/healthy and expect the same from you" - this is probably the most widespread ignorant sentence you can find online.
It's so easy to be a pig
Sure, we all have our preferences. And I can understand if you think it's best to clear the air right at the beginning. But the truth is you're being offensive, and your profiles and search terms are offensive too. Okay, not everyone knows about HIV, and not everyone can handle it if their date or sex partner is positive. That's completely fine. But the tone makes the music. Every time I'm having a great conversation with someone on one of these apps and the whole thing starts to get potentially sexual, I'm just waiting for that question that's guaranteed to come at some point. By the way: I think it's good that most people ask about HIV status. But what do you want to hear as an answer to your question? Are you just asking because that's what people ask and can then quickly tick the whole thing off, or do you really want an honest answer?
It's a bit of a vending machine when you ask this just to get it over with. But how do you actually know whether your potential sex partner is telling you the truth - or just what you want to hear so that they can get you into bed? It would be child's play to simply say: "Sure, I'm 'healthy' too." Is that all you need to trust someone? Are you so keen to get into the sack that these three words are enough to convince you, even though you know all too well that it could be complete bullshit? But what I find most fascinating are the reactions when someone gives you an honest answer ...
It hurts when gay men behave like this
Telling someone else that you are positive is not easy. It takes courage and sometimes a thick skin, especially when dating. When I'm chatting to someone and they ask me this question, I always cringe inside and tell myself that we'd better sort it out straight away so that I can go back to searching if it's not okay with the other person. I therefore usually answer very quickly and then log out for a while to give myself courage before continuing the conversation. When I log in, however, I sometimes don't find a reply at all. As if my honesty didn't deserve a reply or at least a "no thanks". But what drives me up the wall are people who then just automatically block you. Excuse me, have I offended you with something that makes you think you have to block me? Do you think my HIV status is that bad? Or are you just a selfish little coward that you can't at least end the conversation politely?
It hurts when gay men behave like this online. I'm always proud of myself when I'm honest and straightforward about my status. As I said, it's not easy, but I can deal with it and I'm not ashamed of it. I don't even feel like I have to defend myself or give any excuses for my status. Why should I? But it hurts enormously when your own community rejects you and looks down on you. How quickly everyone forgets their own history and turns away from their brother who was once just like them - this most unfortunate ignorance is a stain on our community. The behaviour exhibited by many of my brothers hurts me, makes me angry and repulses me. And I very much hope that none of them will ever find themselves in my position.
