Marcel Dams became famous this year for blogging about his HIV infection and showing his face as a positive person in YouTube films. Now the 21-year-old has largely stopped blogging. The reason: the onset of burnout syndrome. A conversation about the realisation that being strong can also mean showing weakness at times
"Self-confidence is the best accessory!" is Marcel's motto. The administrative employee from Essen also expresses his self-confidence as an HIV-positive person as a role model for ICH WEISS WAS ICH TU. He has already been on the road for us at CSDs, and his story will be online from the autumn.
Marcel, why are you stopping your blog?
I had to change something in my life because I hadn't been happy for a long time. I didn't have time for friends, my family, maybe even a potential partner. I couldn't sleep at night, I lay awake and brooded: tomorrow I have to do this, the day after tomorrow that, in three days this, next week that ... I couldn't switch off.
Were you afraid you wouldn't be able to manage all your tasks?
Yes, all the time. I'm known for being very self-confident about my infection. So I asked myself: if I stop now, will people think I don't have that much self-confidence after all? There were also people who were very hostile towards me because I'm openly gay and positive.
The stress finally put you in hospital.
When I couldn't sleep properly for a long time, I went to the doctor. He said what I had foreseen: that I would have to drastically reduce my commitment. I spent a day in hospital for observation and was then on sick leave for three weeks to recover.
What effect did this shot across the bow have on you?
I have realised: If my health and well-being are at risk, I have to change something. I had to pull the emergency brake. I did this symbolically by saying: The blog is mostly over.
And how are you feeling now?
Much better! I have more peace and quiet again, can sleep and have time for myself. I'm no longer as unhappy as I was - unconsciously - before. It's a completely different attitude to life.
What do you have more time for now?
Let me give you an example: When I've visited my parents recently, I haven't really been able to concentrate on it or look forward to it. I put the visit somewhere in between and was already thinking about what I had to do for the blog in the evening. Now I can enjoy being with my parents or friends again. The time pressure is gone.
Had HIV unintentionally taken over the leading role in your life?
Not HIV, but my commitment. Of course, HIV always plays a role in the life of a positive person. But if life is all about HIV, it's simply no fun any more. Of course, I exacerbated the problem myself through all my activities. It was also counterproductive for my commitment: if I'm not happy, I'm less convincing. I just want to show that I enjoy my life despite HIV!
Why have you done so much? Blog, Youtube, for IWWIT at CSDs, prevention at the Gay Games - you were there everywhere!
I didn't really think about what the consequences might be. I just got excited and carried away by everything. I wanted to make a difference and exchange ideas with people. But you can't give in to every attraction straight away.
Why did you go public with your infection in the first place?
On the one hand, it's like therapy for me: dealing with my situation in public helps me to organise my thoughts and look at my life from a distance. On the other hand, it is important to me that other people affected know that they are worth something. And my message can't just be applied to HIV. I want to show people that you can carry on regardless, even if you have to go through something very difficult in life.
You have received a lot of public praise for this. Is external confirmation important to you?
Of course, nobody is totally selfless. Recognition makes me happy and encourages me, but I don't make myself dependent on it. I just do what I like and what I think is right.
How have you now decided in which areas you want to cut back?
I weighed things up: What takes the most work and what has the biggest impact? Writing for the blog was the most work. On YouTube, I have a lot less work and a lot more viewers. The films are watched by around 500 people a day, including a lot of young people. I also definitely wanted to continue both in the virtual world and in real life.
IWWIT was not available?
No, not at all. IWWIT is less about me and more about the cause and I get in touch with people in a very real way. I definitely didn't want to give that up. I just think IWWIT is great because it's the first campaign that doesn't just educate people about safer sex in theory, but really shows what life is like - with real people and their very different stories, without sugarcoating anything.
You've just announced that you're travelling to the "Positive Encounters" conference in Bielefeld on Thursday and are keeping a diary on your blog. Is that already a relapse?
No, it's only for a few days. This is definitely not a relapse! (laughs)
Final question: Do you know better what you are doing after your burnout?
Yes, I now realise that I have overestimated myself - my body and my mind. And that I also have to take a step back sometimes. Self-confidence doesn't mean always forging ahead, but also showing weaknesses and listening to yourself.
(Interview: Holger Wicht)
