Ruaidhri is 26 years old, comes from Ireland and has lived in London for a good five years. He was diagnosed with HIV in August 2014. In this "open letter to the community", he reflects on what it means for HIV-positive people to have a viral load below the detection limit, what the gay community thinks about protection through treatment and wonders why the scene itself is full of prejudice and stigma. Thoughts that might also apply to Germany in one way or another.
I was fucking horny - what to do? Grindr promised a remedy. A few chats with a couple of guys, and then HE caught my attention. After a few messages, he was on his way to me. A little greeting, then the covers came off. We only left the jocks on and then it was time to get down to business. At that moment, however, I realised that we hadn't even talked about our HIV status. That didn't really suit me, so I asked him: "Positive or negative?" and he said: "Positive, but below the detection limit." I don't know why, and I hadn't planned it, but I said with a big grin: "Give me five - me too!" We high-fived and then we let the fireworks explode. Okay, they were more like sparklers ...
Shortly after we said goodbye, I received a message from him that really blew my mind. He seemed to accuse me of being happy about our viral load being below the detection limit, even "celebrating" it and trivialising the disease. What seemed to bother him most was the high five - I had behaved totally naively and childishly.
When I was diagnosed with HIV a year ago in August, it triggered a lot of emotions. I felt alone, worthless and not sexy at all. My self-confidence was completely down in the early days and emotionally I went downhill rapidly. Sometimes I could hardly get out of bed in the morning. But I had the support of my family and friends. And I was determined to get below the detection limit and put all my energy into achieving this goal. I remember exactly how I waited full of hope for the results of the first test one month after starting therapy. Of course, I was not yet below the detection limit, it was still far too early, but I still felt totally burnt out. I just wanted to feel normal again, and being below the detection limit was at least close to that feeling for me.
Then on Christmas Eve - a scene fit for a film - my phone rang while I was out shopping with my mum: I had received an email from the HIV practice that my viral load was finally below the detection limit. I looked at my mum, said "Merry Christmas, I'm below the detection limit", and burst into tears - tears of joy! I was proud that I had managed to deal with what was actually a terrible story a little better every day and that I was starting to feel a little more normal again.
It took me some time before I could answer him. He had managed to make me feel sick again, dirty and worthless. But then I got angry, really angry. And I wrote him back that it was something to celebrate. mustif you fall below the detection limit. That shows that you don't let it get you down. And I wrote to him that his reaction was perhaps an indication that he was not yet coming to terms with his diagnosis. I told him that I could understand him, but that discrimination should have no place in our community. I never heard from him again.
To be honest: You have to work hard to be able to deal with your positivity in a positive way. I still have bad days when all the old thoughts come back and I just want to cry. That's just the way it is. But anything that helps me then is good. And for me, that includes being below the detection limit. That's great! I slowly got back on my feet after the diagnosis and started to live my life again. Okay, it was different to what I had imagined at some point, but it was life and I was grateful for it. I had been ashamed of my positivity, it had scared me, but I had put this feeling in its place and was proud of it.
Why do we - as a community that has experienced and continues to experience so much discrimination and stigmatisation - do this to each other? There are many men living with HIV. Being below the detection limit is an experience that many share and we have to learn to deal with it. Maybe you don't have to have a party and you shouldn't expect congratulatory cards, but a "Congratulations!" or even a "Give me five!" should always be included.
The text was originally published in the British online health magazine for gay men FS magazine at www.fsmag.org.uk. (Author: Ruaidhri O'Baoill @RuaidhriOB)
