If no viruses are detectable in the blood, an HIV-positive person cannot infect their sexual partner. Successful treatment is therefore considered just as reliable protection as a condom. Nevertheless, sex remains a source of guilt for some positive people, such as 29-year-old Vlad. Steffen* (46), on the other hand, feels liberated from an old shame. We interviewed both of them and summarised their answers.
Vlad, 29, Berlin:
"Where I come from, coming out as gay triggers exactly four associations: You take drugs, you get paid for sex, you're mentally unstable and you have HIV. I subconsciously carry this social stigma from my home country of Moldova around with me in Berlin, where I've lived for years. When I tested positive in 2009, I mentally shouted myself down for weeks: People are right! I'm a virus spreader who can't control myself!
In the meantime, the thought of HIV has become less of a burden. This is largely due to the fact that I have been taking tablets since 2012 and no viruses are detectable in my blood anymore. I have no side effects and am rarely ill. So there's no reason to be depressed about HIV. But the feelings of guilt keep coming back. If I have sex without a condom and we haven't talked about our immune status beforehand, I feel shabby afterwards. I know that's irrational. I can't infect anyone and besides, it always takes two to bareback fuck. Everyone is responsible for themselves. But conscience is not rational.
And then there's a very real fear: after bareback sex, I'm haunted by the idea that my sex partner might report me. Many people in society see positives as potential criminals. As a positive person, you should always, always, always have sex with a condom - or better still, never have sex at all. Sex without a rubber is equated with bodily harmeven if an infection is not even possible, let alone has occurred.
In fact, a guy once threatened to take me to court. After the third meeting, he asked: 'But you're negative, aren't you? I told him the truth and he flipped out. How I could allow myself to sleep with him if I was one of 'them'. The sex was twice as safe, so to speak, because we used a condom every time. I had a similarly unpleasant experience when my Gayromeo profile said 'sex by appointment'. After dozens of hate mails with some unbelievable insults, I no longer enter anything in the relevant place. I don't have to do that to myself.
My boyfriend reacted really well. I told him on the third date that I was positive. I was shaking with fear that he might get up and leave. Instead, he gave me a hug and told me that nothing would change. He himself is negative and we sleep together without a rubber. For me, his affection is the best remedy for the contempt I've felt towards myself for so long. I would never have gone to a psychologist. The little minds in Moldova and Germany didn't get me down that much after all."
Steffen, 46, Bremen:
"In my mid-40s, I'm part of the first generation to grow up with news about AIDS. Even BRAVO was full of horror stories back then. That's probably why I only have the following memory of my first anal sex: Freddy Mercury had died a week earlier and I was terrified that the condom would break. Was it nice? I have no idea.
When I tested positive in my late 20s after two high-risk encounters, I was ashamed of myself. After all, sex without a condom was something only idiots did in the 90s. Today, thanks to successful HIV treatment, I am physically and mentally well. I've overcome my feelings of guilt, and the walking index fingers that still think in the categories of back then literally pass me by. But that doesn't mean that I'm open about my infection. I respond to questions depending on the situation.
At home in Bremen, I claim to be negative. Everyone in the scene knows everyone else and I don't want to be the talk of the town. I don't have a guilty conscience because my infection is nobody's business. I think it's unseemly and indiscreet to ask someone about an illness that they can't pass on! The fact is: I have been tested, so I can have safe sex without a condom. The situation would be different if I had chlamydia, for example, and still went to a porn cinema. In my opinion, THAT is actually morally wrong.
When I go to Hamburg or Berlin for the weekend, I answer the question about my status truthfully. It's estimated that eight out of ten guys want to have sex without a rubber. Funnily enough, hardly anyone apart from me asks about other sexually transmitted diseases. Especially in Berlin, gonorrhoea and the like don't seem to interest anyone. That's why I would never go to a sex party there or take part in jerking off in the sauna. In purely mathematical terms, the probability of experiencing a slimy surprise a few days later would be too high for me."
*Name changed by the editors.
