Vlad (31) is HIV-positive, Stephan (40) is HIV-negative. They have been a couple for a good two years. They don't use condoms: Vlad's medication protects Stephan. This is safer sex 3.0 and is called protection through therapy. The two Berliners tell us how they talked about HIV and sex - and about love.
Note: As part of "Safer Sex 3.0", various gay men on the IWWIT blog talk about how they protect themselves against HIV, whether with condoms, PrEP or protection through therapy. We encourage everyone who wants to protect themselves against HIV to choose the best safer sex method for them.
It has now been scientifically proven: Effective HIV therapy also prevents the transmission of HIV during sex. The prerequisites for this protection method are that the HIV-positive partner takes their medication regularly, that no HIV has been detectable in the HIV-positive partner's blood for six months and that blood levels are checked regularly. In large-scale studies with hundreds of mixed positive-negative couples, there was no infection.
Yes, so what? What does that change now?
Stephan, when did Vlad tell you that he is HIV-positive?
Stephan: The third day we knew each other. That was the first night he wanted to sleep over.
How dramatic was this moment?
Stephan: It was actually rather informative. The whole thing was like this: After getting to know him, I sent him home because you don't have sex on the first night if you're serious. On the second day, I invited him round for dinner and told him he could sleep over.
Vlad: But then I didn't want to do that.
"And then he said: 'So what? What difference does that make now?"
Stephan: On the third day, he was already kind of depressed when he greeted me and said he had to tell me something before we continued. He then took out his tablets and told me that he was positive.
Vlad: And then he said: "So what? What difference does it make now?"
Did that surprise you?
Vlad: On the one hand, yes, because you never know what will happen. On the other hand, I somehow had the feeling that Stephan would react in a relaxed and matter-of-fact way and not send me home.
Did you sleep together then?
Vlad: Not that night, no. That was a few days later.
For which of you was that more exciting?
Stephan: For me, I think.
Vlad: How would you know that?
"It was something very special for me and that's why I was nervous."
Stephan: Because I was the one of us who hadn't slept with anyone for a long time. For me, sex and emotion belong together, I don't like one-night stands. It was something very special for me and that's why I was nervous.
And how did it go?
Stephan: He has always slept with me since the third night. He simply never moved out again.
Vlad: I gave up my flat after six months. I hadn't been there for four months anyway. (laughs)
Protection through therapy - also works without a condom
Presumably there was a detailed discussion about HIV at some point?
"I sent him to my doctor anyway. He hadn't had a test for five years and it was about time."
Stephan: No, we didn't actually talk about it at length. As I hadn't had sex that often and never without a condom, it was clear that I was negative.
Vlad: I sent him to my doctor anyway. He hadn't had a test for five years and it was about time.
And when did you skip the condoms?
Stephan: Right from the start. We both knew that nothing could happen because Vlad was undergoing therapy. Neither of us hesitated.
Is sex without a condom better for you?
Vlad: It is for me. There's more closeness. For example, you don't have to worry about the rubber tearing and you don't have to worry about the expiry date.
Stephan: "Vlad's doctor regularly checks whether his therapy is still working well - and therefore also the protective effect for me."
Stephan, have you had an HIV test in the last year and a half?
Stephan: No. Vlad's doctor told me that another test would not be necessary as long as we are monogamous. Other sexually transmitted infections are of course not a problem. Vlad's doctor regularly checks whether his treatment is still working well - and therefore also the protective effect for me.
Who talks about sex with their family?
You feel safe with the protection provided by the therapy. How do your family and friends react to you not using condoms?
Vlad: Who talks to their parents about their sex? We don't tell them about it, they would just worry unnecessarily.va
Vlad: "Everyone please stay relaxed!"
Stephan: I don't need to talk about it either. My family would probably just worry or ask what I've got myself into. But we did talk about it with a friend once. She was just very sad about Vlad's infection.
Vlad: But I really don't need pity. I think it's more a case of: everyone please stay relaxed! Everything is fine and completely normal. The virus is just a part of me, like my eyes, hair or fingernails. I can't do anything about it and I don't think much about it any more.
When was the last time you two spoke to each other about HIV?
Vlad: Not at all recently. It's just part of our lives.
Stephan: Only at the beginning I read a lot and simply informed myself well. Vlad's doctor supported me in this. I know all about it, so I don't feel threatened.
Last question: When did you actually say to each other for the first time: "I love you!"
Stephan: "I know all about it, so I don't feel threatened."
Stephan: That was in the first few days, in the bathroom in the evening. Vlad was brushing his teeth and it just slipped out.
Vlad: He then almost apologised and said that he didn't want to tell me that for the first time in the bathroom. But he didn't actually have to tell me at all.
Why not?
Vlad: If someone immediately accepts you for who you are, HIV included, and can then have great sex with you without any fear, then it's clear that they love you.
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