When Christian was diagnosed with HIV by his GP, he was initially in shock. But the next thing the now 24-year-old asked himself were two crucial questions: Did I infect my boyfriend without realising it? And: How will my friends and family react?
Christian, as a test hero from Testhelden.info, you tell us that you are now coping with your HIV infection. Can you still remember the day you were diagnosed?
And how! It was 18 February 2013 and I was at my GP's that day, who had called me because the blood sample from my HIV test had supposedly fallen off and I was supposed to come back. I was actually sitting rather relaxed in the waiting room, was then called and went straight to the lab. However, I was told that the doctor wanted to speak to me first. That's when I got my first shiver. When I sat with her, she told me straight away that she had some bad news for me.
I immediately felt dizzy and black in the face. And then came the sentence: "You are HIV-positive".
Was she able to catch you at that moment?
Yes, I was in her room for another hour or so and we talked for quite a long time.
I only found out that she is one of the few doctors in Düsseldorf specialising in HIV. I was very lucky because she naturally knows her stuff and is also sensitised to how to discuss this topic.
She told me that this does not mean the end of my life and that HIV is very treatable.
Did you also talk about possible reactions from the environment?
Yes, because after the initial shock, that was the next thing on my mind. There were three thoughts: Firstly, how will my boyfriend react? Had I possibly infected him without even knowing? That was definitely the most agonising thought. The second thought was the guy I had infected. The third and most problematic thought was my parents. Because I have private family insurance and you have to pay for the medication in advance, it was clear that my parents would soon find out. That really sucked.
So who was the first person you confided in?
Apart from the psychologist I saw the next day because I was afraid of doing something stupid, that was my boyfriend a short time later.
And how was that?
It was terrible. We both cried a lot, for minutes on end. We'd never done that before in our relationship. All the uncertainty was just too much for both of us. What about him? And does that mean the end of our relationship now?
Did he reproach you?
No, never! As far as that goes, he's just a really great person. To be honest, I don't know if I wouldn't have reacted dismissively and made accusations if I were him. But he only reproached the other guy who gave me the infection.
Who did you tell about the infection afterwards?
It was a very close friend from Cologne, with whom I cried again, but who was able to support me well and, above all, advised me on how to structure my life now and what I needed to consider.
After a few weeks, I went to my parents' house and told my mum. She was very sad, but reacted quite well. Now, more than two years later, I would judge it differently.
Why?
At first, she questioned my open relationship. Then she told my father and others without asking me. That really hurt me and wasn't necessarily good for my relationship with some family members. Because she presented the whole thing in a very one-sided way.
How did the rest of your environment react? Was there a typical pattern?
Most people were really upset and kept asking me how I was doing and sometimes I was asked cautious questions like "Do you still have much time to live?". Incidentally, I still experience this sometimes when I meet new people and tell them about my infection after a week or two.
One last question: Are you still together with your boyfriend?
Yes, that's me. Of course, I don't know what it would have been like if he had actually caught it. But luckily that didn't happen.
You can find out more about HIV, the HIV test and how to become a test hero at www.testhelden.info
