Jonathan is 25 years old and lives in Berlin, where he works as a social worker providing information and education about HIV, AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Talking openly about sex is therefore part of his job. But even Jonathan used to find this anything but easy - with his GP, for example. Now it works much better, and there's a simple reason for this: "Once you've started simply talking about things, you get "practice" and it gets easier every time."
Jonathan, many boys initially feel something like shame when they realise that they are gay. Coming out is then often not so easy. What was it like for you?
When I was 17, I started a kind of inner coming out. A week before my 18th birthday, I had my first time with a man. I moved to Berlin shortly afterwards. But I didn't come out to my mum until I was 22, and a year later to my brother.
Were you ashamed to tell them that?
No, I wouldn't say that this "delay" had anything to do with a sense of shame in relation to my sexual orientation or my sexual desires. It just happened that way.
Have there been other moments in your life when you realised: Somehow this is all extremely unpleasant for me right now?
Yes, definitely. I was pretty self-conscious when I started looking around on online dating platforms when I was 19 and then meeting guys in public. Somehow I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea that other people in the café might think I was on a date. For a similar reason, I didn't go to a gay party for the first time until I was 22. Before that, I always thought: Oh no, everyone will know I'm gay if I go there. That was a really big obstacle for me, and unfortunately it wasn't until much later that I realised that everyone else there was gay too and that it was the most normal thing in the world. (laughs)
What was it like for you when you were asked to talk about sexual practices for the first time - and not "just" about being gay?
Sure. It had to do with the fact that I thought I had had a so-called risk contact. So I made an appointment with a doctor. When it came to the HIV test, I felt uncomfortable saying exactly what I had done and why I was there in the first place. So I avoided questions about sexual activity and pretended that I just wanted to have a test.
How do you deal with such situations today?
It's completely different. When I go to the doctor these days, I tell them very clearly what I've done and in what situation. I hardly feel ashamed any more. But the truth is that it always takes a bit of effort to talk about sex with the doctor. I do sweat a bit, but then I just try to take a deep breath and remember that doctors have to deal with these issues every day and that I'm nothing "special". It's just their job to make us well again when something happens. If you approach things like that, you feel less ashamed.
What has changed so that you can talk about sex in a more relaxed way today?
First of all, it is very important to me to say that there is no point in putting yourself under pressure along the lines of "I MUST finally become more relaxed now". Talking about sex is extremely taboo in our society - which applies even more to anal sex. I also had to learn this first and wasn't always relaxed. When I came out to my mum, for example, my biggest worry was that she would imagine me getting fucked by eight guys at the same time. (laughs)
Seriously, most things are only uncomfortable the first time. So once you've started to simply talk about things, you get "practice" at it and it gets easier every time. What's more, everything really does get better with age and a new environment after school - as stuffy as that may sound. I, at least, have found it easier with every year of my life, which is also due to the fact that at some point you meet the "right" people with whom you can open up and talk about the most normal thing in the world as a matter of course: Sex. And once you become more relaxed with your friends, it's easier at the doctor's too.
More information about shame, sex and the HIV test at www.testhelden.info
