Sascha is 42, single and has been the gay father of a girl for six months who is growing up with two lesbian mothers. In this interview, the commercial employee explains how he found his perfect rainbow family - and the prejudices that some gays have about this model.
Sascha, when did you realise that you wanted a child?
I grew up with two big sisters and have always been the family type. I consciously thought about having my own child when I was in my early 20s. At that time, that automatically meant that I had to be in a committed relationship with a woman.
You were in a straight relationship because you wanted to have children?
Yes, for five years. It felt good for a while because I loved my girlfriend in a special way and was looking forward to having a child together. But the inner contradictions increased and I broke up with her in 2001. I came out in 2002. The hardest thing about it was that I gave up my desire to have a child. The possibility of raising a child as a gay man never crossed my mind.
What has led to a rethink?
A lot of things came together: the friendship with my daughter's biological mother and later also with her partner, the reports that started coming in about homosexuals with children, gay acquaintances who became fathers and, last but not least, a few workshops on the subject of rainbow families that I took part in.
Please tell us about your friendship with the two women.
I've known Johanna for a very long time. She was in a heterosexual relationship herself in the 90s and was part of my and my girlfriend's mutual circle of acquaintances. After my break-up, we lost sight of each other. So it was an even bigger hello when we suddenly saw each other again at a CSD. From then on, our contact became closer and closer. I was even there that evening when Johanna* met her partner Leonie*. A friendship also developed with her.
How did the idea of fathering a child come about?
On a cosy evening five years ago, the two of them came to talk about rainbow families. They knew that I had done a lot of research into the topic in the run-up to an event. They talked about their desire to raise a child as two mothers and asked a lot of factual questions. They almost casually mentioned that they had already researched sperm banks. I immediately took the initiative and offered to get involved as a father. Leonie and Johanna were surprised at first. But the conversation showed that their ideas of parenthood fitted in perfectly with mine. And so I became part of the family planning.
Can you briefly outline these ideas?
The child should grow up knowing that I am his father and not just any friend of the house. I don't believe in telling children such important things when they are almost grown up. It was also clear to me that I wanted to relinquish all the rights and duties of a biological parent. My child would grow up with Johanna and Leonie, and I would continue my life in Berlin. The two women were very happy with that. This is another reason why the two mothers have all my trust that our daughter will grow up well with them.
How did you go about it?
We agreed that natural fertilisation was out of the question. We are friends. Even the thought of sex would be rather disturbing. Plan A was to try the cup method for a year. Plan B was artificial insemination.
Did plan A work?
He did - and shortly before the self-imposed deadline. We met regularly in 2015 and 2016, mostly in Berlin. We spent a nice day together and in the evening I went to the hotel with them. There, the two women sat down at the bar and I stayed in their room. Half an hour later, I called it a night and left Johanna and Leonie alone with the cup. Leonie became pregnant in March 2016, after our seventh attempt. That puts us exactly on average. I know that from the workshops on rainbow families. The planning, the weekends together and the subsequent wait for the result have brought us even closer together.
Were you present at the birth?
I sat in the delivery room until shortly before the birth. But I left the intimate moment itself to the two women. When I held our daughter Greta* in my arms for the first time twelve hours after the birth, it was an incredible moment. You can't imagine anything more beautiful. And I am incredibly grateful to Johanna and Leonie for allowing me to be part of the family.
How do you organise custody?
Johanna adopts my daughter. For her and Leonie, this means a huge amount of paperwork with the authorities, even though they are partnered. Because in a registered partnershipThe biological children of one woman do not automatically become children of the other. This distinguishes this construct from marriage, where adoption is much easier. It's just as well that there will soon be more justice in Germany in this respect. However, we still have to wait and see how the legislator regulates the position of the spouse and biological father.
Have you written down anything else essential?
Even though I play a smaller role in our family as the father, we consider ourselves to be three parents. That's why we have a notarised agreement that Greta should live with me if something happens to the mothers. We need this in writing, because I am a stranger to the authorities with the adoption. It was the mothers' suggestion to arrange it this way. It immediately felt right.
How do you see your role as a gay father?
At the moment, I visit my three girls every month or two. Recently, I looked after my daughter alone for the first time when Johanna and Leonie celebrated their first day together. I've been a visible part of the family right from the start, even though there are a few hundred kilometres between us. I'll be available as a friend for the mums and as a playmate for Greta, but I won't interfere in her upbringing. And when my daughter is old enough, I'm sure she'll go to her dad's in Berlin on her own.
Don't you sometimes feel like a third wheel?
I don't feel disadvantaged because of the adoption. On the contrary: it gives me a privilege, because my time with Greta is something special for all of us in our everyday lives. I look forward to the future of our rainbow family with a lot of curiosity and joy.
You mentioned your sisters. How does your family feel about the new addition?
I told my family a few months before the birth that I was going to be a father. My big sisters were immediately excited. One of them was even at the clinic when Greta was born. As far as my mum is concerned, I'll put it mildly: She still has to find her role as a grandma. But she's on the right track.
How does your other environment react?
My work colleagues were flabbergasted. But they all congratulated me. The response from my friends was mixed. Some are happy for me, others don't give a shit about children and one confessed to me that he was envious. He also wants to be a father, but can't find a suitable solution. There were also a few nasty comments.
Could you please give me a few examples of such comments?
Some of the things I hear from other gay men leave me perplexed in 2017. I found the saying: "You have to stick your dick in for fertilisation." simply stupid. However, the community should start to wonder when homosexuals repeat the platitudes of arch-conservative homophobes: "A child needs a father and a mother." This is based on the view that other constellations are inferior. An affront to single parents and rainbow families.
What message do you have for gay people who are against Rainbow families rant?
In my opinion, coming out is only successful when a gay man not only discovers and lives out his sexuality, but also values it as part of his own personality. Anyone who does this can also be a good father as a gay man. I would like to encourage this. After all, children can grow up in constellations like Johanna's, Leonie's and mine just as sheltered as in a traditional family. Conversely, there are truly enough daughters and sons from heterosexual marriages who have suffered under a beating father or an ice-cold mother, for example. So my message is clear: open your eyes, realise reality and think about it.
Editor's note: Sascha's real name is Sascha. Johanna, Leonie and Greta are only called that in our interview.
