In my opinion, in recent years the reports about trans* people in the media have been too focussed on the physical. In the end, trans* people were even followed on camera onto the operating table to show how and what genital surgery is performed. I don't see any enrichment for cis people in this. It merely serves a base sensationalism rather than genuine enlightenment.
The thing about "real sex"
I've been a trans* activist for 15 years now and I'm still stunned by how bluntly I'm sometimes asked about my genitals. This includes questions like: "Are you complete yet?" If you take a closer look at the question, it leaves no other option than genital surgery if you want to be "whole". But not every trans* man needs or wants these operations, which does not call his masculinity into question. The even bolder questions are: "Does it work; does it get really hard?" Would the questioners ask such questions if they knew how painful and lengthy the process of deciding in favour of or against an operation can be, and what possible health risks there are?
Somehow there seems to be a right to question a trans* person below the belt. There doesn't seem to be a natural barrier called respect. But this right does not exist, not even for the person who wants to be intimate with a trans* man. What is behind the questions? I suspect curiosity as to whether it is possible to have sex with us. Or rather: "real sex". And everyone seems to know what that looks like and be an expert at it.
What exactly does someone want to express when he/she says to a trans* man "You don't have a dick!"? In principle, such a person is simply revealing information about themselves: namely that they know little or nothing about trans*. And that they want a cis penis for their sexuality, or are exclusively fixated on it. Such a person is probably also not prepared to try something that might taste good. So then only ever schnitzel, that's perfectly fine! However, anyone who likes to eat internationally knows that there is much more that can taste good. So it can make sense to broaden your flavour horizons.
I thought for a long time about what exactly I find so hurtful about these questions about genitalia. I think it was the presumed insinuation that you can't have "real" sex with us. But people! We're not mannequins with "nothing" between our legs. We have functional genitals in every conceivable variation and of course a desire for sex, making out and everything that goes with it.
To those who like people
Here is my personal, very simple answer to the question of whether you can have sex with us: "It depends on you!" They exist, the people who I always say have a natural, deep-seated openness and ability to enjoy sexuality and love. They don't need workshops, seminars or this article. They like people, they feel an attraction and allow the moment to happen. They are not afraid, they appreciate the excitement of the new and probably have greater trust in life and what they encounter in it. These are wonderful situations and are often perceived as extremely enriching afterwards. Quite a few then go looking for us. We receive letters on internet portals, are approached and sometimes even followed.
We all have different ideas and preferences when it comes to sex. There are no easy answers and no simple definitions, but isn't that true for everyone? Being interested in a trans* man means possibly coming into contact with your own fears. It means not knowing exactly how the other person works and what they like or don't like. And we all only know afterwards whether we liked it. But isn't that what sex is all about - whether trans* or cis?
Sex without instructions
Can you still remember when you were 14 or 15 years old and had your first experience without knowing what to expect? Can you still remember the wonderful feeling of excitement and also a little fear? The tingling in your stomach? I remember it fondly. And it feels very similar when you embark on something without any instructions - without knowing exactly what to expect, or who is active or passive and so on. You don't always need to know more in advance than is necessary to act in the here and now. And sometimes you only get hungry when you eat.
And last but not least: there can also be baskets on both sides. Because you can't demand desire, and a certain amount of courage to take risks is part of it. It also requires the ability to deal with rejection. That affects us all. Because even the best-prepared date - even among cis people - with all the supposedly necessary information about sex preferences and the body can backfire if the chemistry isn't right.
What I wish for us is openness to the situations we encounter in life - and the courage to say "Yes!" when I am interested and desire something.
