How two men lead a partnership and have sex is seemingly clear. But when one is trans*, the other sometimes has a lot of questions. Till (32) knows what many gay cis men think when it comes to trans* men. Two of his ex-boyfriends are trans*. Here, the Hamburg resident by choice tells us how his friends reacted and what he took away from the relationships.
Till, two of your ex-boyfriends are trans*. Has your self-image as a gay man changed as a result of these relationships?
No. Why? We are men who have desired and loved each other. It doesn't get any gayer than that.
Did you sometimes get any nasty reactions when you were out and about?
Never on the street, actually. As we were both read as men without a break, we only got homophobic remarks - if at all. Just like other gay couples get.
How did your friends react to your partner coming out?
First of all, it's important to know: Not all of my friends knew that my partner was trans*. Even some of my very good friends still don't know to this day. Others only realised months later.
Why?
Because my ex-boyfriends decide for themselves who they want to share their transition story with - and when. This sometimes led to the friends who knew about it reacting with incomprehension. They would have liked my ex-boyfriends to be as open as they were. With straight friends, I could easily counter and say "You didn't tell me how long your boyfriend's cock is either! " It wasn't so easy with my gay friends, where the conversation is very open (laughs). When I said: "That's not your business!" I just had to put up with being the stupid bourgeois. It's not my favourite role, but it was important to me - out of respect for my lover.
Would you say that there are differences between a gay and a trans* coming out?
Yes, I had to realise that first: being gay usually refers to sexuality and being trans* always refers to gender. So we're talking about different aspects. It was important to my partners and me to be "out and proud" as gay men. Both of my partners had also come out as gay and were open about their sexuality. Unfortunately, I have sometimes experienced gay men who have come out as trans* and then had to learn that their gender and therefore their gay identity were called into question.
Can you explain that in more detail?
When my partner at the time came out as trans*, his masculinity was often questioned - by the same people who previously perceived him simply as a man. What was previously unambiguous and clear then led to stupid questions like "Do you really feel like a gay couple?" or "What does it look like down there?"
How did you deal with such questions as a partner?
It all depended on the situation. If I had the feeling that the question was meant to embarrass my friend, I usually asked an equally intimate and invasive counter-question. In response to the other person's horrified reaction, I could growl "See, that's none of your business!" However, if the questions were asked respectfully and there was genuine interest behind them, I made it clear that their questions were very intimate and that I wouldn't tell them anything so personal about my boyfriend. But I offered to talk about trans* people in general and tried to clarify their questions in this way. Sometimes, when I was too annoyed by the same questions over and over again, I would say flippantly: "Just Google it!"
Where do you think the stupid questions came from?
First of all, many people still believe that they have to and can determine who is a man between their legs - and who is not. Yet everyone knows that there is so much that goes into being a complete man! For many gay men, their sexual desire is also focussed on their partner's cock. The idea that this could be different to what they are used to makes some people feel insecure. I realised this with a very good friend of mine who found my ex incredibly hot. At some point, he was so irritated that he once asked me seriously: "Tell me, when you have sex, are you naked?" That's when I realised what kind of mental cinema he was playing.
What was his problem?
Many gay men probably feel threatened in their comfort zone when they believe that their "classic" idea of gay sex no longer applies. But sex can be so hot if you keep getting involved with the other person! This applies to all gay men, whether cis or trans*. In my experience, it's at its hottest when we both find out together and carefully what makes us hot and happy at any given moment.
What was your first time with a trans* man like? Did you negotiate what would happen beforehand?
For me, it was more about sensing, feeling and doing than talking. The situation was also so good that I didn't have time to get my head round it. We fucked for four days straight and only stopped briefly to eat.
We are talking about your very personal experiences here. What do you take away from the two relationships?
Oh, lots of things! Above all, to be grateful for many wonderful experiences, just like with all my ex-boyfriends, and for a lot of very personal things ... My sexuality is no longer so genital-fixated. So much is possible! I don't just have my mouth, cock and arsehole, but also my arms, legs and the backs of my knees. The whole body is something very sexual. It's crucial that the people involved get involved with each other. Since I realised that the long doesn't always have to go round and round, I've also had better sex with cis men. (laughs)
