Bisexual and polyamorous - A story about sexual self-discovery

I'm Antonio Šošić, podcaster and participant in various dating shows such as Prince Charming and Take Me Out. So I'm ideally placed to bring you closer to the topic of love and sex between men. I'm always on the lookout for unusual stories, interesting people and queer specialities for my vollqueer podcast. I want to be aware of all people and their needs, because we are - just like the motto of the podcast - as colourful as life itself. That's how I came across a man with an interesting background who turns all heteronormative ideas about living together on their head. Jan Willems (28) is bisexual and polyamorous, so he has sex with his girlfriend and his boyfriend. But how does communication work in a polygamous relationship? I asked him about this as part of my podcast vollqueer and was able to elicit a few exciting details from him...

Since Jan was 17, he has only been monogamous and only with women: "I was always fine, I didn't miss anything, but it was a part of my sexuality that I suppressed." While he was in a relationship with his girlfriend, Jan came out to her as bisexual. Coming out was a long process for him. After all, his fears were great, as he revealed to me: would his girlfriend leave him? A year after coming out, he finally embarked on a journey of self-discovery and opened up his relationship with his girlfriend unilaterally, which is called a polyamorous Lingo V relationship - where one person is at the centre while the other two have nothing to do with each other.

His curiosity about sex with men was so great that a polyamorous relationship was the only way to fulfil his sexual curiosity. "We had an open relationship for a year," Jan told me during our conversation. Women were taboo for him, but men were allowed. After a year, he also met and fell in love with his current boyfriend. But what about their sex life?

Sex between men as an exchange of energies

Jan thinks that there is a difference between sex with women and sex with men. He explains this further and says that he particularly enjoys the energy during sex with a man: "The energy is different with men and they are much more direct." So the intensity of the feelings is different for him during same-sex sex and he enjoys it to the full because sex between men is something beautiful for him. That made sense to me and I found the concept of energies to be a sensual description of what sex means to me too. Being taboo seems to play a big role here for Jan. Having sex with a man felt like a liberating experience. There is little that is not allowed or strange. He can approach anal penetration with a man in a much more relaxed way. A man has a different energy, a different aura than a woman. Namaste!

Sex in a polyamorous relationship

Communication is the key to success in a closed V-relationship, i.e. your partner does not have sex with each other or with other people. This is especially true when it comes to their sex life: "You set rules that everyone feels comfortable with." For his girlfriend, it was clear from the start: only have sex with other men when she is not there. She also always wanted to be in the know. Sex should also not take place in their own bedroom, as the two of them live together. However, since Jan also found his boyfriend, his sex life has changed and he now lives out his male fantasies with him. The sex happens naturally, in the moment. When he went into more detail about his sex life, I just thought to myself: Fuck, that sounds complicated. But it's not at all. By the way, having a threesome with each other is not on the programme for polyamorous lovers.

You want everyone to get their money's worth

But how can you please your partner at the same time? Some people are already discreetly overwhelmed with one person - and by that I mean me. Anyone who feels the same way: I feel you! If, like Jan, you're the point of connection between two people in a poly relationship, it can get stressful trying to please everyone. "You want everyone to get their money's worth," he smiles in conversation. And at the same time, I start to feel overwhelmed.

The sexual self-discovery trip

Jan realised relatively quickly that sex is not just limited to anal penetration. Sex between men in particular offers a relatively large opportunity to try things out and get to know and love different sides of yourself. For him, it's the variety that makes sex with a man so hot.

All beginnings are difficult, so I asked him how he felt at the start of his journey of self-discovery. When Jan had sex with a man for the first time at the age of 26, he was totally aroused. He didn't know in advance what to expect and how it would feel. That's why he felt the need to talk to another bisexual man. "It was important for me to meet someone who felt the same way as me and who could take away my fears." A feeling of tingling curiosity rose up in him and I also felt transported back to the deepest beginnings of my journey of self-discovery during his stories. He had tried everything he wanted the first time. The whole spectrum or product range, if you like. From sucking to fucking. Jerking off was also part of it, because sex is not always just penetration. Sex has many different aspects and everyone defines sex for themselves.

Jealousy, quo vadis?

Jealousy sometimes plays a role in relationships. Is my partner thinking about someone else? Is he even travelling with other men and keeping it from me? Hands up if you've had the same thought at least once before. Well, have I got you now?

But when it comes to this topic in Jan's polyamorous relationship, everything is pretty relaxed. If someone gets jealous from time to time, it's usually because Jan has less time and not because he's travelling with someone else. "Jealousy in that sense doesn't exist because my girlfriend can't give me what a man gives me." So why be jealous of something that you can't give your partner naturally?

Communication as the key to good sex

Talking openly about sex is relatively easy for Jan, at least when it comes to sex between men: "I've never had a strange reaction from anyone." It seems to be standard practice to ask your sexual partner in advance what you're into and where there might be overlaps in terms of sexual fantasies. Then the topic is clear and you know what you're getting into. Incidentally, you can also respectfully communicate what you like in the middle of sex. We both agreed on that straight away.

By living out his sexuality, Jan found a bit more of himself and was able to get to know a different side of himself. He was simply honest with everyone involved right from the start, especially with himself. It seems to be true what they say: communication is simply the fucking key!

By the way, you can listen to the full conversation with Jan in my vollqueer podcast. Listen in now and find out for which couple in my story the wedding bells will soon be ringing. Here is the link to the episode.