Seven things to remember when watching porn

Gay porn and reality are not the same, writes Don Shewey in his new book "The Paradox of Porn: Notes on Gay Male Culture". We are allowed to publish a short extract here.

A few years ago I was at Randy's for an unconventional Seder evening. I don't even remember if the four prescribed topics of the religious canon came up. I just remember Mathew asking the rather unexpected question "Why are gay men so bad in bed?" out of the blue. Since more than half of the men present had slept with Mathew at some point, it took a few minutes before we were sure that he wasn't reproaching us, but really wanted to philosophise with us about it. I had a lot to say about it, both in my role as a slut on duty and from the perspective of a sex therapist for gay men.

There are many forces working against the healthy sexual and emotional development of gay men - marginalisation and internalised homophobia, religious or familial shaming, the demands of consumer capitalism that make us treat each other and ourselves as commodities - and it all comes together in the paradoxical pleasure temple of pornography.

Porn does gays a great service by providing us with images that reflect and affirm our desires and liberate us from ignorance. With images that open up possibilities for us to activate the erotic potential of our bodies and our imaginations, allowing us to vicariously live experiences that are beyond our reach. And also because they are a safe way to guide us through times of fear and loneliness. At the same time, however, pornography does us a disservice because it distorts our idea of a normal body and normal sexual functions, freeing us from some inhibitions but replacing them with new ones, and making us slaves to our urges at the expense of our health and emotional well-being. It lures us into the shadowy corner of compulsive behaviours that leave us isolated and closed off, and it models a sex culture so narrow, mechanical and emotionally bankrupt that we barely know how to treat each other as human beings.

It pains me to hear and see gay men struggle with this and then still fail in their quest for sexual fulfilment. The way I experienced it, sex invites a fantastically rich playground of physical pleasure, self-knowledge, ecstatic fulfilment, spiritual wisdom and intimate relationships. For me, this has been a path to deep love and self-acceptance - albeit a bumpy one that has led through plenty of unsettling doubts, painful losses and embarrassing missteps. And I guess I wish that for everyone.

I wish, as the wise poet Smokey Robinson once sang, "more love and more joy than age or time can ever destroy." I wish for gay men to drink deeply from the fountain of lust that pornography has built and continues to feed. And I want us to wisely and skilfully eliminate the negative consequences that pornography can have on our lives if we leave it unquestioned.

So now, in my role as daddy top of the community, I don my most battered baseball cap, jockstrap and black leather lace-up boots and deliver the seven panaceas of the porn paradox in the hope that they may inspire gay men to have better sex.

1. don't confuse porn sex with sex in real life.

At its best, porn is erotic theatre for a single viewer. Enjoy letting your imagination run wild without having to cater to the views or preferences of others. If you are having sex with someone else, then actually be there. Make eye contact. Allow yourself to breathe. Be aware of when you are putting pressure on your partner or yourself to behave like a porn star. Try to let go of this idea. Follow what feels good.

2. choose what you do.

Go for it. There are countless reasons to watch porn and/or have sex. Yes, cumming is one of them, but it's not the only one. Maybe you watch porn and jerk off to fall asleep, to relieve stress and nervousness during the day, or simply for the sheer pleasure of cumming. You might also watch porn with the intention of not cumming, e.g. to boost creativity for a project, to build up excitement for a date, to explore new sex techniques or to add to your collection of horny images. If you tend to get lost in the online pornosphere, why not set an alarm clock and leave it in the next room - it might help you to enjoy your porn trance and then land safely back in the now. If you keep making the same choice over and over again, then maybe it's no longer a free choice! Maybe you're stuck in an obsession or a compulsion. Maybe your addiction is actually focussed on something emotional or physical that no amount of wanking can give you.

3. don't be afraid to talk.

One of the joys of watching porn is that you don't have to worry about what anyone else is thinking or feeling. But porn also tends to reinforce the common assumption that talking about sex (other than "Fuck! Fuck!" or moaning some version of "Oh yeah, thing my bum") spoils sex. I totally disagree with that. I maintain that not talking inevitably leads to bad sex. Because then you're at the mercy of whatever fantasies are going on in your head at the time, and they can be miles apart. It's a common misconception that your partner should somehow magically know what makes you horny and that if you tell them, they're only doing it to please you. Firstly: How is that for you? And then: Don't you want it to please you? How is he supposed to know what you like if you don't tell him? You don't have to keep commenting, and you don't even have to say it in words. I've yet to meet a dog that speaks my language, but every dog owner realises when their pet is hungry or needs to go out.

4. check your rules.

I have noticed that many people behave sexually according to a list of unwritten, unspoken laws, but have no idea where these rules come from. Porn, for example, encourages sex without prior agreements or breaks: once you're naked, there's no stopping you until everyone cums. This can be exciting, or it can be over super quickly, or it can be so exhausting that the desire has long since passed. This is a sign that we're dealing with a rule that needs to be questioned. Just try something new for a change. Besides, as one of my clients said, it's fun to break the rules.

5. let your whole body join in.

Most of us have a tried and tested method of masturbation - when we do it, where we do it, what implements we have to hand. We know what works. But it's precisely this efficiency that can make things stale and boring. Online porn tends to encourage us to stare at the screen while masturbating. Sitting or lying down, in a bent or cramped posture - while the rest of your body is inactive. And this same limited physicality is then promptly transferred to sex with a partner. "Most sex in the Western world is pure necrophilia - one lifeless body doing it with a second lifeless body," Joseph Kramer, the pioneer of sex education, once said. With the founding of his Body Electric School in 1984, Kramer established himself as an erotic visionary. During the AIDS crisis, his workshops on "Celebrating the Erotic Body" changed the lives of thousands of men (including mine) by introducing us to the art of sex without ejaculation, including breathing exercises, massage and a targeted distribution of erotic energy. As the internet became our main source of information and our universal porn store, Kramer adapted his teaching to the digital age by creating online courses and videos for his New School of Erotic Touch. He has developed a method called "porn yoga" for this purpose. The concept is simple but ingenious: stand up when you masturbate. He recommends bringing the screen to eye level and freeing your hands so that they can touch your whole body, circulating your pleasure through hip rotations and thrusts, imitating the movements you see on the screen, turning your back to the screen from time to time, experimenting with different rhythms and stopping and then resuming. Give it a try. You'll notice the difference straight away.

6. find the recipe that suits you.

I know that there are a few pat formulas that inevitably lead to unsatisfying sex, such as saying "yes" when you mean "no", or saying "no" when it feels more like "yes". In my experience, the best way to drive a sexual relationship into the ditch is to define sex too narrowly - e.g. that it always has to be about cumming, or fucking, or whatever. My personal recipe for satisfying sex calls for equal parts of L, V and M: your own L-lust, the V-connection with your partner, and the M-mechanics (= what goes up and down or in and out). If you get involved with L and V, then M usually takes care of itself. Just give it a try. Change it, remix it, add your own ingredients.

7. take a break regularly.

Whatever the pleasure, you can almost always benefit from a break - even the best piece of meat loses its flavour if you chew it for too long! This is just as true for alcohol as it is for weed, social media or porn. If you realise that you're no longer getting as much out of it, then cut back. Take a break for a week or two - or a month or two! Grindr and Scruff will still be there when you log back in. The same goes for mobile devices - shooting home porn is fun. Everyone does it. But performing on camera can also become a mindless habit that gets in the way of intimacy and pleasure.

Conclusion: Do what you can to awaken the lust for life in your body.

Extract from The Paradox of Porn: Notes on Gay Male Culture by Don Shewey (Joybody Books, 2018)