The dishwashing drama

Washing up really isn't our author's favourite hobby. So how do you deal with it?

I hate doing the washing up

Yes, really. The problem is, I love being fucked. I still remember my first "fucking experience" during anal sex very clearly. It happened spontaneously, just as it should be. When he was playing around with my arse with his cock, I was still thinking: somehow you have to go to the loo - poo - but, oh no, it's just so hot! And it was. Until he pulled it out at the end. I was still so flashed from the intense orgasm I'd had. Then came the smell, I turned round, his whole cock was brown and everything his cock had touched was brown too. And it stank... The shame overwhelmed me immediately, I quickly pulled him into the shower, I can still see the brownish water running down the drain as he stood next to me. I was so incredibly ashamed, I thought the guy never wanted to see me again. He was completely relaxed, but I wasn't!

Since then I've been really fussy. It was just too embarrassing for me. I never had anal sex for years without rinsing first. I tried a lot in the beginning, especially in the shower with the shower attachment. Man, that was always a fuss. It felt like I spent ages in the shower and I only made it worse and worse. "How much water was right again?" "Oh no, that was too much." "Or should I just use that much?" At some point I was completely dazed because I had several litres of water in my bowels.

In the meantime, I have found out the trick for myself: It's a mixture of fibre and the right flushing technique. I take dietary supplements, such as fibre capsules - I find the powder disgusting - with plenty of water in the morning and evening. But not all the time, only when I know I'm going to have sex. It's a bit like PrEP. Planning ahead doesn't always work, but often enough. I take PrEP with a bit of a difference, because I read somewhere that you shouldn't take it at the same time as food supplements. The capsules are great and help to ensure that there is always a nice semi-solid poo in my bowel and that I have to go to the loo really hard once a day. And somehow everything comes out when I flush. How exactly this works is a mystery to me, but it works! I have also changed my diet a bit. I always have linseed in my muesli for breakfast, which also helps a lot.

Then there's the flushing technique: I've said goodbye to the shower completely. It always takes too long for me, I never realise how much water I'm supposed to use and I always feel unwell with so much water in my bowels. I've even clogged up a hotel shower while a naked guy was waiting for me in bed. And I'm standing in the shower, brown water between my feet that won't drain. What a load of shit!

Today I swear by these little balls - what are they officially called? Enema thingies? Since I still don't know, I always paraphrase it rather clumsily: I'm going to flush with my ... flush thing. Well, where was I? The technology. It's not that complicated. Fill the ball completely with lukewarm water, put some spit on your fingers, put it in and squeeze it out. Not squeeze it out completely - I have the feeling that it's a bit too much water for my bowels - but almost completely. Then get up, wait a bit, brush my teeth. And then off to the toilet and out with it. I do the whole thing once or twice more and I'm done. It takes less than 10 minutes and can be done quite spontaneously.

I came across a great comic guide to washing up on the internet, which was the first sensible explanation of how to wash up properly. Somehow you don't talk about it. At most a joke on the side: why has Thomas been in the bathroom for so long? He's probably got plans for tonight. Or the brief nagging that you actually just wanted to have a quick fuck date, but then the washing up took ages again. But somehow nobody really talks about it in detail. The instructions, at least, were the first time I'd really read about flushing in detail. I'll look them up and put them here in the article. You'll love them, I promise!

But back to sex: for me, spontaneity is the hottest thing about sex. When it just happens. And it really annoys me beyond words that I always have to flush beforehand. Or rather "want to" because my poo (and that of others) turns me off. I'm so jealous of women. They can get fucked wherever they want. I've just seen a hot guy in a restaurant, eye-fucked him, off to the loo with him, dress up, cock in and have a great time. At least that's how I imagine it. In reality, of course, it's not that easy as a man. "Is he even gay? Gosh, I'd like him to fuck me now. But after that huge pizza? I haven't got my washing-up thingy with me either. Sure, I could blow him, but my body (or rather my arse) is giving me other signals right now."

I had an awesome experience the other day, it was really spontaneous. I was lying in bed with a guy, a mate, we were jerking each other off from time to time, nothing more. Somehow I ended up moving my hips in his direction this time. I didn't think about it at all, it just happened. I kept jerking him off, turned my back to him and played around with my arse with his cock. He laughs and says something along the lines of: "Ey, I'm so keen to fuck you." And I think to myself: "Oh my God! Please fuck me!" I bend over the bed, reach for the lube and slowly insert his cock. Of course, the thought immediately occurred to me: "You're not flushed!" But my lust was too great. I say something like: "But not too deep..."

The sex was great, I thought about it briefly in between. But then I didn't care, I thought: "Oh, let's just go and have a quick shower, it's so hot right now!" When he wanted to pull him out at the end, I warned him that we'd have to take a quick shower. He didn't think that was a bad thing. But, lo and behold, he pulled his cock out, our two scrutinising eyes fell on it immediately and there was nothing to see. He looks at us, all shiny and bright pink from all the excitement.

So that was my first time of unrinsed anal sex in ages. And it works. Sure, I wouldn't have wanted to keep changing positions. Who doesn't know that? When you change position, you take a quick, scrutinising look at your cock and then you're relieved: "I'm clean. Let's move on!" (Or: "Shit! That's probably it for today." And the evening is over.) But it's great for a short, spontaneous session. I also went to the loo 1-2 hours beforehand, which also went through my head and calmed me down.

But I still envy women. When I imagine they can always, everywhere, spontaneously, dress up, bang! Some time ago, after a few champagnes, I told a heterosexual friend about my dishwashing frustration and told her about my envy of her. And what did she say? That she's jealous of me! Because I don't get my period and bleed from my pussy every month. I could just have sex like that, any time, any day.

Somehow it's all more complicated than I thought.

And here are the instructions from https://howtocleanyourass.wordpress.com