Trigger warning: This article is about mental illness, depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders and suicide. If this is something that could bother you, then skip this article or read it with caution.
The signs range from sleep disorders, feelings of anxiety and mood swings to uncontrolled alcohol and drug consumption. A mental illness does not always have to be the cause. Such negative feelings and exceptional mental situations can be merely temporary, but they can also be harbingers of a major crisis. The number of people whose mental health is not in good shape has increased, not least as a result of coronavirus. Nevertheless, far too little is said about this, even within the queer scene. Yet queer people are particularly affected. For example, loneliness, anxiety and sleep disorders are disproportionately common among LGBTIQ people, as a study published by Bielefeld University in 2021 shows. According to the study, queer people are two and a half times more likely to suffer from depression over the course of their lives than heterosexual people.
In addition, young gay men in particular are increasingly suffering from eating disorders, says Berlin psychologist Marcus Behrens.
Caught up in your own negative feelings and thoughts
During counselling sessions in his own practice or at Checkpoint Mann-O-Meter, he experiences gay men who are plagued by self-doubt and feelings of inferiority, who suffer from a persistently depressed mood, are caught up in endless brooding or even think about suicide. "Sometimes these negative feelings and thoughts have already become so much a part of their own personality that they are no longer recognised as a problem, or are recognised too late," says Behrens.
His colleague Martin Heinze from the queer counselling centre Rubicon in Cologne has a very similar experience. The qualified educationalist has been offering a sympathetic ear, advice and help for three decades now. The problems that people come to him for have basically remained the same over this long period of time.
This is because LGBTIQ people are exposed to particular stress. Even though living conditions in Germany have improved significantly, the realisation that you are different from others can still be very stressful - especially for young people. In addition, coming to terms with sexual identity and orientation is still often associated with suffering and discrimination, but also with shame, fear and internalised self-stigmatisation.
Being gay, lesbian, trans* or bi also means having to come out again and again throughout your life, for example to new friends or work colleagues. This also means constantly having to weigh up the risks and possible reactions or even having to pretend. Or you always have to be very controlled in public - for fear of being identified as gay and therefore being insulted or even physically attacked.
When stress makes you ill
"We all have stress in life, even heterosexuals white cis man. But when it comes to minorities, there's always an extra layer," explains Marcus Behrens.
"If a heterosexual man goes on holiday, he doesn't have to ask himself when booking whether he might be mobbed or even arrested in the destination country because of his sexual orientation."
The social sciences have coined the term "minority stress" for this particular form of psychological stress. Not only LGBTIQ people are exposed to it, but also people with a history of migration, BIPoC or poor, socially disadvantaged people.
But while, for example Black While people usually grow up in a family with other BIPoC and can therefore at least be strengthened in their identity within this family, this is not usually the case for LGBTIQ people. Having to cope with this stress is an enormous burden and is not healthy in the long term. "If my immune system is good, it is easier for the body to fight off a flu virus than if it is weakened," explains Marcus Behrens." The same applies to the soul. If everything becomes too much for me and I can no longer cope with it all, there is a risk that I will fall ill.
Not all aspects of gay life are always good for you
The gay community can also be stressful and have a negative impact on your mental well-being. Interaction in the real and virtual scene is not always friendly and supportive. If you're overlooked in the bar or sauna and can't make contact, it can be quite upsetting in the long run. "On Planetromeo, Grindr and the like, I have to be aware that it's mostly just about attractive pictures and not really about me," says Marcus Behrens. Fortunately, however, there are not the a community. "If the dating platforms cause me stress, I might have to look for other places to get in touch with others."
Fortunately, you can also meet men outside of sexual scenes and dating apps, for example in self-help groups, queer associations and organisations or on online platforms where sexual contact is not the main priority.
Because friendships and close acquaintances are enormously important for mental health.
"Even if it's difficult: it's important to vent"
"It's already very helpful to have a good emotional relationship with just one other person - be it a good mate, a best friend or a parent," says Marcus Behrens. "People who make me feel safe and a bit at home, who I can open up to and talk to about things. People I can talk to openly about weaknesses and feelings, including negative ones. They don't just have to be queer people, but ideally good allies who reflect your own way of life."
"Even if it's difficult, it's important to vent," confirms Jonathan Gregory. "That's why you need at least one person with whom you feel safe and with whom you can open up, share and confide: 'I'm not feeling so good right now. Something is bothering me'". Jonathan Gregory has been part of the newly established ICH WEISS WAS ICH TU team since 2023. As its director, he is passionate about making mental health the central theme of the gay prevention campaign.
Because mental illness can affect anyone. Gregory experienced this himself in 2022 when he had to attend a day clinic for four months due to severe depression.
"At first, I was unsure whether this was right for me as a Black gay man is actually a place where I can be healthy. Will I be recognised and accepted there for who I am? These are questions that straight men don't have to ask themselves," says Gregory. But his concerns were quickly dispelled "I then had the positive experience that I wasn't the only queer person there and I also got the help I was looking for."
Seeking help is not a weakness, it is courageous
Realising that you are not feeling well, that you need support and that you want to accept it, is a very important first step. You should seek professional help if you become increasingly caught up in thought loops, suffer from long-term sleep problems or try to compensate for negative feelings with excessive porn or alcohol consumption or a series of sex dates, for example. "If I have the feeling that I can no longer control this myself, but am being controlled by it, this can be an important indication of a mental health crisis," explains Rubicon counsellor Martin Heinze.
However, long-term therapeutic support or even hospitalisation are only necessary in cases of severe mental illness.
Counselling centres are good places to go to get out of a mental slump. If necessary, they can also refer you to queer-experienced psychologists.
"It helped me a lot to realise that others have had very similar experiences with depression and mental health to mine," says Jonathan Gregory. That's why socialising with other gay men - whether privately or in support groups - is an important help.
"I can pull the duvet over my head and stay at home, that's fine sometimes," says Martin Heinze. "But it's important that I also manage to deal with the things that are bothering me". If you can't do this on your own, it's important not to bury yourself at home and withdraw from the world, but to make contact with others. This could be professional support from a therapist or talking to friends.
Marcus Behrens advises people to look at their own needs and feelings and how they feel, either alone or in dialogue - and to pay attention to themselves. You may then realise what you have not yet admitted to yourself: that you may feel lonely or consume alcohol and drugs uncontrollably.
Just as important: accepting yourself with all your weaknesses, shortcomings and good qualities. How do I behave and is this really good for me? Are my habits perhaps keeping me in this situation instead of leading me out?
Instead of resigning yourself to existing problems, it is better to look for solutions: What can I do myself? What would improve the situation? Who could support me or what help could I get?
Rediscover the beauty in life
Gregory has adopted a little exercise from his therapy into his everyday life and has been treating himself to a little time-out every day ever since. "I give myself two or three minutes to close my eyes, focus completely on myself and listen to myself. And to reduce stress in this way."
Marcus Behrens recommends another exercise to help you see not only the stressful things in life, but also the beautiful things: every morning, put five small stones or other small objects in one of your trouser pockets. Over the course of the day, you put one in the other pocket every time you have a nice experience. "These occasions can be small things: a nice phone call, a good meal, a friendly encounter in the supermarket," explains Behrens. In the evening, however, you realise that there were a lot of good things that day." "You can also train your brain a little in this way so that it doesn't always just register things that don't work or that worry me, but the good things in everyday life and the things I enjoyed."
But you can also give yourself pleasure in a very targeted way. By resolving to do appropriate things: cooking yourself something nice to eat or (if you have enough money) treating yourself to a restaurant visit. Meet up with friends, go for a walk in the park, visit the public library, paint or make something.
"Hey, how are you doing right now?"
And last but not least, everyone can contribute to making other people feel better. The simple question "How are you?" can already help a lot - if you mean this question seriously and give the person the space to answer it honestly.
"We can only strengthen mental well-being together as a queer community by looking out for each other and realising that it is an aspect that accompanies us in all areas of life," says Jonathan Gregory. "And if we don't shy away from being honest with ourselves and addressing the burdens we face." IWWIT would like to make a small contribution to this over the course of the year with the "#MyMentalMe" campaign and, last but not least, ensure greater visibility of the topic in the queer community.
