Trigger warning: This article is about emotional and psychological abuse, depression and self-harming behaviour. If this is something that could bother you, please refrain from reading this article or read it with caution and self-awareness.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Maya Angelou
Actually, I should have recognised this gigantic red flag, this alarm signal, early on. Actually. Here I was, around 10,000 kilometres from home, on the other side of the world, lost in the middle of the night in a city I didn't know at all, emotionally distraught, confused, frightened, almost traumatised. Thrown out by someone who literally exploded completely unexpectedly just a few seconds earlier. Thrown out by the man I trusted. This should have been the alarm signal that opened my eyes. But it wasn't. In fact, it was just the beginning of a long-lasting, traumatic relationship that plunged me deep into depression.
I met Mike, who actually has a different name, a good two months earlier in Berlin. He was visiting and we had a first date. Many more followed and we saw each other almost every day during his stay in the city. He was attentive, charming, actually too charming. I had a little gut feeling that this exaggerated charm was suspicious. But I wasn't able to listen to this gut feeling. Today I know that he was love-bombing me.
| Love bombing |
| Love-bombing involves showering a person with excessive affection and attention in order to gain control over them. Love-bombing is a form of emotional abuse. It is not primarily about doing something good for the other person, but about making them emotionally dependent. |
On the last day of his holiday in Berlin, I confessed to him that I had fallen in love with him. And he invited me to his home country. Two months later, the time had come and I was on a plane halfway round the world. The first few days were fine. But then the warning sign happened that should have spared me a lot of further suffering.
We went to a restaurant for dinner with two of his friends. During the meal, Mike started asking me unexpected questions: "What is the capital of Romania? What is the capital of New Zealand?" And so on. He grinned smugly. He was trying to embarrass me in front of his friends. I knew the answers to some of his questions, but I didn't want to answer them because it went to the heart of a deep conviction of mine: that a person's worth is not defined by how much they know or how intelligent they are. Mike knew this because we had already talked about it. And the way he asked these questions - with the smug laugh - alluded to this very conviction. As well as the fact that, unlike me, he had already travelled a lot around the world. It was extremely uncomfortable and confusing. I didn't understand why he suddenly enjoyed trying to embarrass me in front of others.
After dinner, he drove his two friends home. He and I, on the other hand, wanted to go to a bar. After saying goodbye to his friends, we drove on. While we were alone in his car, I told him that I didn't think the way he treated me in the restaurant was okay. And then it happened. Completely unexpectedly, he exploded in a way I had never experienced before. And he shouted: "WE WERE JUST HAVING FUN! BUT YOU HAD TO BE SUCH AN IDIOT! YOU RUINED THE WHOLE EVENING! I CAN'T STAND YOU, YOU'RE JUST TOO MUCH!" And then he threw me out of the car.
Hell hath no fury like that of a pissed-off narcissistic person. Toxic, entitled and narcissistic people can't control their emotions, and if anything threatens their sense of order, privilege, entitlement, justice or comfort, they lash out explosively. (...) [Similarly, hypersensitive people] may make jokes at the expense of others, but as soon as someone criticises them, it's the end of the world. They have two standards: the way they are allowed to treat other people and the way they expect to be treated.1
Ramani Durvasula
So there I was, in the middle of the night in a city that was completely unknown to me. In a city where, at least at that time, there were still supposed to be unsafe neighbourhoods at night. What had just happened? I was confused, scared, frightened. I had never been shouted at like that before. Today, with my accumulated knowledge of the scientific D-factor, narcissism, the psychology of abusive relationships, the dark triad, trauma bonding, gaslighting and emotional apocalypses, I would see right through it here at the latest. But I didn't have that knowledge back then.
| Emotional apocalypse |
| The term "emotional apocalypse" is generally used to describe the exploitation of a person's weak point, which that person finds emotionally extremely painful. It can therefore also take various forms. In this example, it is an extreme fit of rage and explosive screaming. But it can also be, for example, the threat of abandonment, the reminder of a person's worst fears, or days of demonstrative silence, so-called "stonewalling". It is an attempt to gain control over a person and such a painful experience that the victim will do anything to avoid it in the future. And out of fear, they may also allow abuse to happen. |
All I had at the time to make sense of this situation was my knowledge that most people are capable of empathy and also want to be good and empathetic. (And in my head, "most people" implicitly meant all people). So if someone reacts so angrily, then surely it must be justified, right? Surely nobody would react so angrily if they didn't have a good reason? And instead of condemning Mike's problematic behaviour, I started to question myself. Had I overreacted? Was it perhaps really just harmless fun? Did I perhaps grumble at dinner without realising it and really ruin the evening? "I can't stand you, you're just too much!" Was that true? Am I "too much"?
I tried to call him to apologise. But he didn't pick up. I wrote to him saying I was sorry and that I had reacted wrongly. No answer. I tried to find a hotel, but everywhere I asked was fully booked for the night. I wrote to him again, apologising over and over again, begging him to pick me up. No reply. I don't remember how much time passed. But at least an hour in which I wandered through the city alone, abandoned, shocked and scared. Panic made itself felt. Was I that bad? It must have been like that. Why else would he behave like that? Deep shame spread through me.
And then he finally replied. He insulted me again and said that I should finally stop writing. And that he was picking me up now.
He didn't say a word to me in the car. And the way I felt and interpreted what had happened, I thought I would be lucky if he spoke to me again at all. I had no idea that the exact opposite would have brought me far more happiness. Because this was just the beginning.
Through the darkness: A fight against gaslighting and the shadows of depression
Almost three years later, I was only a shadow of my former self. Psychiatric diagnosis: moderate depression. I didn't really know that. Of course I had depressive phases as a teenager, especially before I came out. But what gay or queer teenager doesn't have them? Since coming out at the age of 16, depression was actually alien to me and I was always a very happy and positive person.
But almost three years of my relationship with Mike had left me so emotionally and mentally exhausted that I no longer recognised myself. But above all, I didn't (yet) understand why I had depression in the first place! Because I was actually lucky, wasn't I? I lived in Berlin, my favourite city, in a great flat. I had good friendships and a job that fulfilled me. And, as Mike kept telling me, I had a relationship that was so special that the whole world was jealous of us. Again, I know better today: this wasn't just delusions of grandeur. It was a projection.
| Projections |
| Projections are an essential component of narcissism and many other toxic personalities. Projection involves projecting negative parts of oneself onto other people in order to criticise and attack them. For example, narcissistic people can be very jealous. They then project these emotions onto their partner or other people and accuse them of being consumed by jealousy themselves. The idea is to hide their own hated parts by (often wrongly) criticising them in others.2 |
I now had a scar on my arm from self-harming behaviour. I had secretly stitched the wound up myself, I was so ashamed of my behaviour and my depression. Over the past few months, I had tried everything to get rid of the depression: Endurance sports at the right heart rate, changing my diet, meditation. But no matter what I did, it didn't help. And I still didn't understand that the reason for my depression was my relationship. That there was even a technical term for it: gaslighting.
| Gaslighting |
| Gaslighting is another form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is often a very hidden, secret form of abuse that can end in severe depression. The term comes from the 1938 play "Gaslight" about a husband who tries to psychologically destabilise his wife in order to enrich himself. In the play, he causes the gaslight to flicker and dim. When his wife notices this, he tells her that she is crazy, that she is only imagining it and that the light is as bright as ever. |
Gaslighting works particularly well when the victim does not realise that they are suffering from gaslighting. It is a form of manipulation in which the gaslighter tries to convince their victim that they are misremembering, misunderstanding or misinterpreting their own behaviour or motives, thereby raising doubts in them that make them vulnerable and confused.3 Gaslighters exploit this vulnerability to make their victims doubt themselves again and again, with the aim of binding them to themselves and their version of the "truth" and making them emotionally dependent. "You don't know who you are. But I do," Mike once literally said to me.
But gaslighting is rarely so obvious:
In fact, gaslighting is a type of secret bullying often carried out by partners, friends or family members who insist that they love you even though they are betraying you. They knowthat something is wrong - but you can't put your finger on it.4
Robin Stern
"You're always hardest on the people you love the most," Mike said to me another time - as if that would justify his constant abuse, after all it was out of supposed "love".
Gaslighting often happens within close, intimate relationships over a long period of time. Initially, the victim may simply be confused. After a while, however, they begin to completely doubt themselves and their state of mind and accept the gaslighter's false "reality". In extreme cases, the victim no longer trusts their own perception at all and what the gaslighter says about the victim becomes the complete truth. The result is severe depression.
Mike had gaslighted me in many different ways over the past three years. However, by far the most destructive form - and the one that would expose him - was his projection of jealousy.
Every time I wanted to talk to Mike about something I didn't like in our relationship over the past three years, Mike would turn the tables and accuse me of jealousy. Jealousy that was so deep that I didn't even realise it.
Mike was a person who loved extreme tidiness and cleanliness. In his original home, he had a cleaner who came almost every day to clean the house and make it look like a hotel. In our flat together in Berlin, I was forbidden to fall asleep on the sofa in front of a series in the evening while there was still a used glass of mine on the sofa table. Everything always had to look absolutely perfect - just like in a newly furnished hotel. And I always tried to fulfil his wishes.
We had an open relationship. One day I came home and the living room was a mess: there were cushions all over the floor. The sofa was half taken apart. And the table was full of used, dirty crockery. Mike had a date and was in his room with him in the meantime. Normally, the mess wouldn't have bothered me. However, I felt it was unfair that Mike punished me emotionally when I dared to fall asleep on the sofa with a used glass on the table while he allowed himself to make this mess.
So I later told him that I was dissatisfied with this double standard. That was still relatively early in our relationship. I didn't yet know when the emotional apocalypse would follow. But it happened here immediately. And in the midst of this further emotional rollercoaster, this moment of emotional vulnerability, the gaslighting was hidden: I wasn't actually concerned with a double standard, Mike raged. It was actually about jealousy. I was literally consumed by jealousy of his date. And this jealousy was the real and only reason for my criticism of him.
Like everyone, I have also experienced jealousy. However, I was never someone who was 'consumed' by jealousy. When I felt jealousy, I was usually aware of it. And I tried, sometimes mistakenly, to deal with it on my own, to pay attention to the feeling in order to understand the underlying need without burdening the other person or the relationship. But this was not a moment of jealousy.
Nevertheless, the gaslighting and emotional apocalypses had already had their first results. I began to doubt myself. Once again, my partner, whom I trusted, reacted with a gigantic tantrum. So I must have really crossed a line and done something wrong. What's more, a partner wants the best for the relationship and knows you better than many other people. So why would he lie to me? Maybe I'm really jealous and don't even realise it? Some feelings can be very subconscious. And that's how the gaslighting worked. Over the months and many more such moments, I believed his version of me more and more and my own knowledge about myself and my inner life less and less. And the more I believed his negative image of me, the less I trusted myself and the more I lost access to my true self as a result, the stronger the depression became. Mike had gained control over me, my emotions and my psyche.
[Gaslighting usually takes place in three phases: (1) disbelief, (2) defence, (3) depression]. When gaslighting progresses to phase 3, the results can be truly devastating. At this point, gaslighting has left you hopeless, helpless and joyless (...) and you are wandering in a vast, unknown desert with no maps or landmarks. You can barely remember who you were before the Gaslighting relationship began. All you know is that something is terribly wrong - probably with yourself. (...) The gaslight effect is truly soul-destroying. Perhaps the worst moment is when you realise how far you've strayed from what you once thought was your best self - your true Self. You have lost your self-confidence, your self-esteem, your perspective and your courage. Worst of all, you have lost your zest for life.5
Robin Stern
| Trauma bonds |
| It is sometimes difficult for people to free themselves from abusive relationships. This can be due to so-called trauma bonds, among other things. Trauma bonds are emotional attachments to an individual (and sometimes to a group) that develop from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse. These bonds are maintained by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. Traumatic bonds thus develop as a result of a continuous cycle of abuse in which the alternating use of rewards and punishments creates strong emotional bonds that are difficult to change. This cycle can be described in three phases: In the honeymoon phase, the abuser is charming, attentive and engages in love-bombing. In the tension-building phase, the perpetrator becomes increasingly dissatisfied and the victim can do nothing to appease him. In the explosion phase, the victim is finally abused verbally, emotionally or sometimes physically. The cycle then begins again with the honeymoon phase. |
The unleashing battle: from the shadows of depression to the light of self-liberation
After almost three years in a relationship with Mike, my psyche was in shambles. I no longer had any self-confidence. I no longer felt happy. And self-confidence was completely alien to me. Mike's reality about me had completely replaced my own truth. I only saw myself through his eyes. But then something happened that would expose him and set in motion a long, painful but much-needed fight for liberation.
In relationships with narcissistic and other toxic people, everything often revolves around the needs of the gaslighter. I myself was only allowed to have needs if they coincided with Mike's needs. Over time, Mike made sure that I orientated my actions, my whole life, around his needs. Cynically, he always criticised me for doing exactly that: I was downright obsessed with him. It was like walking on eggshells. He forced me to pay attention to his needs 24/7 and then accused me of being too fixated on him.
And I was extremely jealous anyway. Mike had a lover in the meantime. Noah, but his name was actually different too. Mike had been saying for a long time that I should have one too, so that I wouldn't be so fixated on him and jealous. And by chance, something developed with another person who I met semi-regularly. Not only did I enjoy spending time with this person, I was also relieved to think that Mike would be happy about it. After all, it was exactly what he wanted. It would, I believed, stop me being 'so fixated' on him and Mike could finally breathe a sigh of relief because I wouldn't be smothering him so much with my obsession. Everything would be fine now, I thought.
But then one day Mike said to me: "You only have this person because you're jealous of me and Noah. You're trying to copy me!" It was an incredibly strong punch in the stomach. Today, many years later, my actions seem almost absurd to me. But by then Mike had gained such control over me, my thoughts and feelings, and had completely replaced my truth about my inner life with his gaslighting, that I actually believed him. Everything I had put my last shred of hope in shattered and I started to cry. I had hit rock bottom. Mike saw me crying and said in a contemptuous voice, "Yeah, you want me to lie to you?"
It was this incident that turned the tide.
My closest friend since school had watched my mental decline almost helplessly over the last few years. Romina tried her best to help me, to cheer me up, to help me find a place in therapy, but nothing helped. She didn't realise (yet) that my relationship was the reason for my depression. In her presence, Mike was always charming, entertaining and understanding. A completely different person to the one he was when we were alone. And out of shame, I didn't tell her what it was like to be alone with Mike. But it was pure desperation that made me tell her about this incident. And then everything suddenly made sense to her. Mike had already spoken to her alone about me a few weeks earlier. It was an attempt to talk me down to her. She wouldn't see how morbidly obsessed I was with Mike. But Romina knew that couldn't be true and was suspicious. And when I told her about this incident, she thought: "He thinks he's God! The whole world revolves around him!"
The next time she was in Berlin, she started talking to me: "Jeff, I think Mike is a narcissist. And I think that's the reason for your depression." Of course I knew the term narcissism. But I didn't know much about it. Aren't they such self-absorbed people? Why would that trigger depression in me? And as someone who is very keen to speak and act in a scientifically correct way, it seemed wrong to diagnose someone with no specialist knowledge. I didn't understand at the time that narcissism, unlike narcissistic personality disorder, is not a diagnosis, but a description of a coherent personality and behaviour pattern that is associated with many continuously present certain traits.
It felt wrong to call Mike that. And I didn't think she or I were qualified enough for that. But Romina pushed on. We had known each other for over 15 years and she knew exactly what direction to steer me in: "Please promise me you'll do some research on narcissism." She said exactly the right thing.
I am a trained social scientist. My passion for science was both a curse and a blessing. It was a curse because it was what made me vulnerable to Mike's abuse. Because until then, my view of humanity was as follows: Scientific research had shown that most people are capable of empathy. The reason why there was still so much suffering in the world was that people are socialised within oppressive structures (such as racism, sexism, speciesism or queerophobia). As part of their socialisation, people unconsciously internalise these structures and subsequently reproduce them. These oppressive ideologies therefore switch off people's inherent compassion without their awareness, so that they often act against their own convictions, against their empathy. Basically, people want to act well. So Mike should also be good. This view of humanity was not wrong. However, it was only part of the truth.
However, my passion for science was also a blessing, because that was what would ultimately free me from him. Because I knew how to research correct information. So I began to immerse myself in the literature on narcissism. And what I found out was to fundamentally change my view of humanity forever.
| Narcissism |
| Narcissism, as defined by the internationally recognised psychologist and narcissism expert Dr Ramani Durvasula, is a personality and behavioural pattern characterised by certain, continuously present traits.6 These include:
(1) Interpersonal traits, such as lack of empathy, manipulation, projection, lying, lack of respect for boundaries, jealousy, gaslighting or controlling behaviour; (2) Behavioural characteristics such as superficiality, envy, stinginess or heedlessness; (3) Dysregulation characteristics, such as anger/rage, craving for recognition/affirmation, inability to be alone, insecurity/fragility or shame; (4) Antagonistic characteristics, such as delusions of grandeur, a sense of entitlement, passive aggressiveness, gloating, arrogance, exploitation, lack of acceptance of responsibility or vindictiveness; (5) Cognitive characteristics such as paranoia, hypersensitivity/irritability, lack of insight/guilt, distorted sense of justice or hypocrisy/hypocrisy. At the core of narcissism is a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement (e.g. that you are entitled to more special treatment than others, or that the rules don't apply to you), delusions of grandeur, an addiction to validation, insecurity, and dysregulation. Narcissism is an interpersonally toxic pattern; that is, if it is the predominant way a person interacts with the world, then it is not healthy for the people in the narcissistic person's close environment. Narcissism, unlike narcissistic personality disorder, is not a diagnosis. There are now discussions among experts to remove narcissistic (and other) personality disorders from the next version of the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This is because many experts believe that a diagnosis can only be made if the person recognises that they have a problem with a negative impact on their life. However, most narcissists neither recognise their narcissism nor does it cause them problems. On the contrary, it often puts them in positions of power. Instead, it is the people around them who suffer from narcissism. |
Once again: most people are capable of empathy. That is still true. What I overlooked in my view of humanity, however, was the small proportion who are capable of little to no empathy. There are people whose brains show no emotion in the area where empathy and compassion arise. These include psychopaths, for example. But also some forms of narcissism. This part of humanity may be small. However, it plays a significant role in political and economic world affairs. In fact, there is an above-average number of people from the so-called dark triad in high positions of power in politics and business. We have created a social, political and economic system that makes it easier for such people to get into high positions of power, from where they then influence the fate of this world and all its living beings, including us humans.
No matter how much we turn up our noses at narcissism, as a society we paradoxically reward it. (...) The increasing insecurity in our world and the platforms that capitalise on it, such as consumerism, have created an optimal breeding ground for narcissism to proliferate. When human worth is determined solely by external incentives such as success, qualities such as empathy don't stand a chance.7
Ramani Durvasula
| The Dark Triad |
| Psychologists and social scientists refer to the personality types narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism as the "dark triad". Both narcissism and psychopathy are characterised by a lack of empathy. One of the differences is that the core of narcissism is insecurity and deep-seated shame, which are supposed to be overcompensated for by narcissistic behaviour. However, psychopaths feel neither shame and insecurity, nor remorse or guilt. Social norms and conscience are also alien to them. Some researchers believe that the proportion of psychopaths in management positions is six times higher than in general society.8 "They don't rob banks, they become bank managers," said the founder of psychopathy research Robert D. Hare. Machiavellianism, on the other hand, is the pursuit of one's own goals regardless of whether other living beings suffer as a result. Machiavellians have a far more realistic view of themselves than narcissists, but still exhibit the same lack of empathy. |
It took me a while to make the connection to my depression as part of my research. But one day I made an interesting observation. Romina was still in Berlin and Mike wanted to do something with us and his lover Noah. I didn't feel like it, my depression was preventing me from taking part in social life. But as if she already had an inkling, Romina urged me to come along. And that day it happened.
At a certain point, I was watching Mike and Noah. I saw how Mike dealt with him, how he turned on the charm. And it was as if his behaviour towards me was suddenly reflected back to me. In his behaviour towards Noah, I could suddenly see how Mike behaved towards me, especially how he used his charm to wrap me around his finger and manipulate me at the beginning of our relationship. And the moment I was able to observe it outside of myself in another person, the scales fell from my eyes. I suddenly recognised everything in Mike that I had learned during my research. It was as if a spell had suddenly been broken: from that moment on, my depression would gradually ease until it soon disappeared completely.
I will never forget that moment. It was as if a curse had been lifted from me, as if I had suddenly woken up from a bad nightmare within a second and was now starting to recover. Later, I would stumble across the term gaslighting. And suddenly it all started to make sense: Why I fell into depression. Why I couldn't get rid of it. Why I had suddenly lost all my self-confidence.
However, I was only at the beginning of a long, difficult and frightening struggle for liberation. And I didn't yet understand narcissism enough to really realise what I had to do. For the first few weeks, I thought that I could maintain some kind of friendship with Mike. It wasn't his fault that he was a narcissist and, after all, the spell was now broken. But that was a naive fallacy.
Mike and I were already in a registered civil partnership so that Mike could live and work in Germany. In that short time, he had already accumulated a lot of debt. Debts to me because he could never pay the rent. Debts to my parents because they had to help me, as I had also given him all my savings at some point to help pay his share of the rent. I don't remember how much he owed in total, but it was over €10,000. And he has never and will never pay most of it back.
One day Mike wrote to me that he wanted to go on holiday. I wrote back and asked him if it wouldn't be better to try and work a bit more so that we could pay off the debt to my parents. He then blocked me. That was the moment when I realised: Shit! I have to get rid of him! I didn't want to and couldn't allow my parents to suffer because of him. I made the decision to leave him.
At the same time, a friend and flatmate of Mike's suddenly called me from his old home: "I wanted to call you instead of writing because Mike is secretly reading your messages." I suddenly remembered that I'd often had the feeling recently that my mobile phone was no longer where I'd left it. Or how I once caught him somehow logging into his friend's Facebook account and reading his messages. "I'm glad you're finally starting to realise what's really going on," he said to me. What he then told me made my blood run cold. "He has millions in debt here! He basically ran away from his debts here. He didn't pay his rent for over a year without telling us. Our landlord kicked us out."
"He secretly reads your private diaries. He talks badly about you behind your back. And he talks as if your parents' money is basically his. You have to act now, and quickly. Be careful. I know him. He can be dangerous. And it's all about him. He's very good at deceiving people. He's a notorious liar. I'm worried about you, so please keep me informed. Do you have a good friend who can go home with you? Remember, we are behind you 100 %. We've got your back."
I was trembling. All over my body. I picked up my phone and looked up the number of his former landlady in Berlin. Mike had been assuring me for months that he would be able to repay his debt to me as soon as he finally got the deposit back from his former landlady. She didn't want to pay it out because she claimed he had broken things that she would have to replace first. She sounded surprised and a little confused when I asked her about the deposit. "I paid him back months ago!"
It was the final proof.
I took a deep breath, picked up my mobile phone and let him know that it was over between us. And that I wanted him to move out. This was followed by a huge tantrum. With threats. I no longer felt safe going home and stayed with two friends for a while.
A few days later, Mike suddenly appeared unannounced in my office at my workplace, where I was working alone. He came in and tried to talk to me, but I rejected him. And then he started crying.
In other circumstances, someone might have sympathised with him. But I realised at what point he started to cry. He started crying when he talked about what my parents were thinking about him now. Mike had tried to contact my parents several times after I left him. But they refused to communicate with him. Mike wasn't crying because he had lost me. He was crying because he had lost control of how other people saw him. It was the ultimate narcissistic injury.
The narcissistic relationship is primarily about control: control over the image of the relationship in the world, control over the people in the relationship, control over the narrative and control over the people who serve as narcissistic resources.9
Ramani Durvasula
A few days later, another friend accompanied me home so I could pick up a few things. Mike was there and shouted at my friend. Everything was his fault, he had made me leave Mike. It was an incredibly tense, scary situation. Mike tried to talk to me, but I didn't look at him once and tried to concentrate on packing all the things I needed. In the end, the time had come and I wanted to leave as quickly as possible. But as we were leaving, Mike ran between us, trying to push my boyfriend out of the flat with one hand and keep me in with the other. "YOU'RE STAYING HERE!" Panic rose up inside me.
I don't know how it happened. I definitely didn't do it consciously. It was as if my brain suddenly switched off and my body took over. I felt my body straighten up, get bigger, and finally I looked Mike straight in the eye. My eyes pierced his. My mouth opened of its own accord and when I heard my voice, it was as if I was hearing the voice of a stranger I had never heard before. It was deeper than usual. Much more threatening. I had never heard this voice before in my life: "You're letting me go - And. And. IMMEDIATELY!" Mike looked at me for a moment, completely silent. I could see how shocked he was, but no less shocked than I was at myself. And absolutely silently, without saying another word, he let go of me and I disappeared. A year later, we were finally divorced. Mike and Noah got married a short time later.
Dark personalities: Narcissism, power and the D-value
This is not just about broken hearts, cheating spouses and abusive parents; this is also about the health of our planet, our species and all living beings.10
Ramani Durvasula
Is Mike really a narcissist? The probability is high, but of course I can't say with one hundred per cent certainty. What I can see clearly today is Mike's gigantic insecurity, which he tried to cover up with his charm, his gaslighting and his lies, his manipulation, his projection and anger, his arrogance and his control. And that speaks strongly in favour of narcissism. At the core of narcissism is a deep-seated, immature, painful insecurity and a sense of shame. Narcissism is synonymous with pathological insecurity. Narcissistic people are usually unable to face this painful insecurity and their narcissism serves to hide this insecurity.
We can and should look at narcissistic people with prudent compassion (from a distance) because they are in fact very insecure, dissatisfied and empty. This cannot be an easy life, and it is deeply unpleasant. Unfortunately, they spend most of their lives taking this discomfort out on other people. (...) Insecurity makes people dangerous - very dangerous.11
Ramani Durvasula
Nevertheless, there are also too many overlaps with other toxic personalities. But what I can say for sure: Mike's personality has a high D-value.
| The dark factor of personality |
| The "Dark factor" of the personality (short: D) is a unifying, scientific theory of socially and ethically aversive personality traits proposed in 2018. In addition to the dark triad personalities of narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism, it also includes sadism, egocentrism, selfishness, greed, maliciousness, a sense of entitlement and moral disengagement. A scientific questionnaire is used to measure an individual's D score, which can range from one to five. D is defined as the general tendency to maximise one's own benefit - ignoring, accepting or maliciously provoking disadvantages for others - accompanied by beliefs that serve as justification. The higher the D value, the "darker", i.e. more socially and ethically problematic, the personality traits are.12 |
On the other hand, people with a low D value can easily become victims of manipulation and exploitation. But it's not just these people who need to learn how to protect themselves from toxic relationships. As I said before, learning about narcissism, the dark triad and the D-value not only helped me to free myself from my abusive relationship, it also fundamentally changed my view of the world and people. We all suffer from people with a high D-value. Because the fact is: our current political-economic system rewards these people.
A 2015 study showed that the characteristics and behaviour of twelve-year-olds can predict their professional success forty years later better than their IQ or the socio-economic status of their parents.13 The proportion of psychopaths in management positions is six times higher than in the general population. Six times!
At the same time, it seems that people with little empathy not only gain power more easily. Studies suggest that it could also work the other way round: A lot of power could in some cases make people less empathic, although a causal effect has yet to be proven: "Research has found that people with power tend to behave like patients in whom the orbitofrontal lobes of the brain (the region of the frontal lobes just behind the eye sockets) are damaged, a condition that seems to lead to overly impulsive and insensitive behaviour. So the experience of power could be thought of as someone opening up the skull and removing the part of the brain that is so important for empathy and socially appropriate behaviour."14 A cycle in which people with little empathy gain more power and lose even more empathy through this experience.
A lot of data suggests that the likelihood of low empathy, low interest in other people, a sense of entitlement, stealing and lack of ethical behaviour increases with the level of wealth. Capitalism, especially our current form of capitalism, is centred primarily on success and profit. Under these conditions, the sheer amount of social inequality means that we will not see an overall increase in happiness for all, even if the economy improves.
Empathy can be economically inefficient.15
Ramani Durvasula
A profit-orientated system has a single goal: to make profits. This genie can no longer be put in the bottle and we live in a time of enormous economic inequality. As there is a tendency for toxic, narcissistic, entitlement-minded and in quite a few cases psychopathic people to be at the top of the corporate ladder, their lack of empathy, their grandiosity, their selfishness, their vindictiveness and their arrogance imply that they are hardly willing to share their profits, turn down high bonuses or ensure that their workers, let alone the world, are well looked after.
Wealthy people may not have empathy and, frankly, don't need it because they are better shielded from the challenges of the world and other people.16
Ramani Durvasula
Power-hungry right-wing populists and right-wing extremists, as well as so-called "anarcho-capitalists" and right-wing libertarians with little empathy, are gaining popularity around the world. Trump, Johnson, Putin, Bolsonaro, Milei in Argentina, Wilders in the Netherlands and Björn Höcke here in Germany: they have long since arrived in politics or even control entire states. In business, too: Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, or all the people at the top of the fossil fuel industry, who have been spreading conspiracy narratives that deny man-made climate change and gaslight the entire world population through billion-dollar campaigns since the 1980s at the latest. At the same time, they have long since begun to build luxury bunkers for the impending social and climate collapse that they themselves have brought about.
"Alaska or New Zealand?" That's what the super-rich once asked scientist Douglas Rushkoff17"Where should I have my luxury bunker built for the time when "The Event" happens?" And by "The Event" they meant the impending end of the world: climate change, nuclear catastrophe, gigantic civil wars - in other words, what they themselves produce through their actions and economic activity. And how could they ensure that their staff, who are supposed to work for them in this bunker, do not turn against them? For example, could they use implanted chips that give them electric shocks if they don't do what they want?
"Maybe you could just be nice to these people," Rushkoff replied. Be nice to others? Nice to the employee, nice to the neighbour, nice to their families? "Then where does it end?" asked one super-rich person, uncomfortable at the thought of having to be nice to everyone. And I think this question says more about the mess we are all in than the most detailed studies.
How to protect yourself
Privilege is a social expression of narcissism (...). Racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, ableism, ageism and all other isms are all forms of gaslighting - doubting and defaming the reality of others, making them doubt themselves and thus maintaining power.18
Ramani Durvasula
People with high D levels cause unimaginable damage to the world. We are all affected. Even marginalised people, like LGBTQIA+. I am now convinced that studies of social inequality, intersectionality, power and (multiple) discrimination must also take personality into account alongside factors such as gender, skin colour, sexual and gender identity, origin and disability. Because, as I have described, personality is linked to processes of power.
But these factors are not only intertwined. I also believe that marginalised groups - especially queer people - are particularly vulnerable to gaslighting and abuse. As a marginalised group, we are often enough gaslighted by mainstream society. We are told that our own stigmatisation "isn't so bad after all" or that we "shouldn't be so sensitive". And tragically, as queer people, we have often learnt that love is conditional. Parents who don't accept us because of our identity. Or even abuse at home - disguised as supposed "love". All of this makes us more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
We all need to take precautions to protect ourselves as best we can. Through the tireless work of psychologists such as narcissism expert Dr Ramani Durvasula, this includes the following advice19:
- Understand yourself, your biography and your vulnerabilitiesPeople with certain characteristics and histories are more susceptible to becoming victims of narcissism. These include: a tendency to want to "save" other people; a biography of trauma; an excess of optimism and positivity (this makes it difficult for us to recognise that people with toxic personalities will not change); constantly forgiving everyone for everything; having been raised as a child by a narcissistic or toxic parent; having grown up in a happier than average family as a child (these children often think as adults that they just need to love other people enough and find it hard to believe that manipulative, cruel people exist); and an excess of empathy. Empathy is good and important. This world desperately needs more empathy. However, if you are an overly empathic person, this can make you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and you need strategies to prevent this beautiful part of you from being abused and withering away.
- Radical acceptanceThis includes, for example, the realisation that narcissists and other toxic personalities cannot change permanently and sufficiently. In personality psychology, this is known as the rubber band theory. This claims that our personalities are like rubber bands and can be stretched, for example when narcissists see their relationships threatened. They might even go to therapy and improve for a few months or a year. But when it is clear that the partner is staying, and as soon as narcissists experience stress, the rubber band buckles into its original shape and the narcissistic pattern returns. Learn to let go instead of forgiving again and again.
- Practise love for yourselfTrust your judgement and your emotions. If we love and value ourselves, we won't let people who chronically devalue us get too close to us.
- Take your time: When you meet new people, especially when dating, don't rush things. Give yourself time to get to know the other person over several weeks or months before you let them into your life. Observe your feelings, especially discomfort or a bad gut feeling that you may not yet be able to explain. Don't fall for superficialities such as looks, wealth, success, intelligence or education. Observe the other person's empathy and behaviour, especially problematic behaviour: The first time something happens, it's a slip-up, the second time it's a coincidence and the third time it's a pattern.
- Build your firewall against toxic behaviour and protect your boundaries: To do this, you first need to know and understand your limits. If possible, don't let toxic people into your life in the first place.
- Hold on to your own realityIf something feels invalidating or dehumanising, take a long, critical look at it. Gently step back and take a moment to come to terms with your reality. When disagreements degenerate into a personal attack, it's no longer about sharing opinions; it's abuse. And that means it's time to walk away. This is especially true if you are part of a socially oppressed group that is being gaslighted by the dominant culture:
"If the world is allowed to gaslight us, then we are more susceptible to individual gaslighting, and then we are more susceptible to letting narcissists in and out of our lives. Racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, ableism, ageism and all other isms are all forms of gaslighting - doubting and defaming the reality of others, making them doubt themselves and thus holding on to power."
- Ramani Durvasula - Do therapy: If you have the opportunity, use it.
- Recognise and (if possible) avoid so-called "enablers" ("enablers"): These are the people around you who are forgiving of the toxic person: Family or friends* who shame you if you don't forgive the narcissistic person, a society that tells you not to end your relationship or denounce bad behaviour, people who downplay what you are experiencing or fall back on trite explanations like "You're not perfect either", "They don't mean any harm", "I never had any problems with them" or "They did the best they could". Therefore also:
- Build close relationships with compassionate people who are a safe space for youThis is especially important because narcissists often try to isolate their victims. My liberation from Mike would not have been possible without the friendships I had, without Romina, without the friends I stayed with, without my parents, without the many other friends I could turn to, who strengthened me, listened to me and supported me without reservation.
- Take care of your own gardenWe can't save the world. Be kind to others, practice courtesy, don't look for fights, and try to understand other people's perspectives. But drive the toxic behaviours, situations and people out of your life - essentially: weed your garden or they will kill everything you plant. And if you give second chances, give them to the people who deserve them. Stop wasting them on narcissists.
- Manage them if you can't completely disappear from their lives: These include the following strategies:
- Stop giving them your kindnessBe courteous and helpful, often, but with people who deserve it. Toxic people cannot be saved, and it is not your job to do so.
- Avoid DEEP if people with dark personalities attack you: do not Defend (do not defend yourself), do not Engage (do not get into a discussion with them, do not share your feelings with them), do not Explain (do not explain yourself), do not Personalise (do not take it personally). Don't feed the troll. Don't get involved in the fight. Narcissists have no filtering empathy, so you can't win an argument against them. Above all, don't tell them they're narcissistic (or have another dark personality). I made that mistake and it won't work: Narcissists usually don't have enough self-reflection to recognise this and other dark personalities, like psychopaths, simply don't care.
- Grey stone and yellow stoneMake yourself as uninteresting as a grey stone. Less is more: Keep communication short, economical, sparse and simple. Stick to "yes", "no", "okay" and "thank you" without much emotion. However, sometimes this is not possible. With the yellow stone strategy, you therefore also keep it short, but mix a little more emotional response into what you say or make the sentences just a little longer.
- Give them what they wantAcknowledge them, smile, don't interfere and then leave the situation as gracefully as possible. Whatever it is, acknowledge it. And then leave.
- Find and hold on to meaning, purpose, humour and joy in your lifeEmotional and psychological abuse suck these qualities out of your life. Build them (back) into your life and protect them. They are your buffer against injustice.
"The healing happens the day you realise that this is not about justice or fairness; it's about self-preservation and peace. (...) If you can let go of the feeling of injustice, you will heal from narcissistic abuse. Life is not fair, and instead of forgiving, just let go (...). That has to be justice enough."20
Ramani Durvasula
Epilogue: Emails from the past
My parents didn't trust Mike from the start and were against the partnership. Mike knew that. Nevertheless, they supported me. Because they saw it as their job as parents. When Mike visited my parents for the first time, my mum said to him: "I'm a mother lion. I'll find you if you do anything to my son."
Six years have passed since the separation. Five since the divorce. Five years without any contact.
I went to therapy to process what I had experienced. But also to work on the reasons why I had allowed myself to enter into a relationship with such a person in the first place. I'm still struggling with the financial consequences of the relationship. And with the grief. A narcissistic relationship is synonymous with a loss of innocence. Many survivors of narcissistic relationships report that this traumatic experience has destroyed a kind of lightness in life, the ability to trust, or the belief in the good.
But in every other respect, things have gone uphill since then. I have a long road of healing behind me and probably at least as long ahead of me. Healing is an act of resistance, of revolt, of rebellion. It is part of my activist life. This article is just as much a part of it. I have always been convinced that the private sphere is political.
Romina and I have found a new flat in Berlin. I have built up a successful business that fulfils me with purpose and is fun. I have deepened old friendships and made new ones. And I have learnt again to build trust and to allow intimacy and closeness - with a person who deserves to be close to me.
Am I the same person I was before my relationship with Mike? No. And I never will be again. Such a traumatic relationship with a Gaslighter changes you - forever. Not only has it changed my view of humanity and the world, I'm different myself. No better than before. Not worse. Just different. Above all, I enjoy my time with myself much more. I feel balanced with myself. I have improved my relationship with myself. And I can say: I'm happy. Very much so.
But recently I got a call from a number I didn't recognise: "Jeff?" asked a voice. I didn't recognise it straight away. "Yes?" I replied. "It's Mike."
... Six years after the separation, I hadn't expected that at all. He asked: "Can we talk?" I replied politely: "No thanks, I'm not interested." Mike ignored this and still tried to engage me in conversation several times. He would like to get in touch again. So much time had passed. I made it clear to him again in a friendly but firm manner that I wasn't interested. And then I hung up.
A short time later I received an e-mail from Mike saying things like:
"Because of my selfishness, I hurt you and your parents, and it wasn't my intention, but I let it happen." - "I hope you can forgive me in your heart for being an ASSHOLE!"
Some would think that's a good sign. But then you'd fall for manipulation attempts again. To be more precise: narcissistic hovering.
| Hoovern |
| The English word "to hoover" literally means "to vacuum" or "to hoover". Here, however, it stands for the manipulative, charming ensnaring by a narcissistic person who is trying to get their target back into the relationship - just like a hoover.21 Relationships for them are about control and providing a constant supply of their narcissistic needs. Such people hoover to get that supply back. If someone is happy without them, it means they don't control that person, and hovering is an attempt to regain that power.
Hoovering can also take place years after the actual relationship. If the target does not react to the hoovering, then the hoovering is often followed by the usual narcissistic outbursts of rage. |
When no reply came from me, a second email followed, which was so different from the first that it seemed to be from another planet. It was a veritable smorgasbord of delusions, the likes of which I had rarely experienced:
"I refuse to let you torture me emotionally and psychologically like this."
"Your parents knew that you were mentally unstable and they supported our marriage in the hope that I would make you mentally stable! They used me to make you happy and to gain the certainty that this would make you feel better!"
"The fact is: I love Noah now! I thought I could love you too, but you're mentally ill!"
"I'm ending this now! I don't love you, I love Noah!"
"You and your parents took advantage of me!"
"Germany is my home! Berlin is my home! I will not let you destroy it!"
"Leave me and Noah alone!"
"If I continue to be emotionally tormented by you, I'm going to the police and the authorities to tell them what I've been through since you're still trying to make me pay for you having problems and that I didn't want to be with you!"
"I'm done with you, and us!"
"Best regards, Mike."
This email came out of nowhere, five years after the last contact.
Narcissists and other toxic people are quick to label any kind of [real or imagined] accusation against them as a "witch hunt", which turns them from a perpetrator into a victim.22
Ramani Durvasula
I read the email. I had expected it to trigger me and throw me off course. To my surprise, this was very limited. I felt a mixture of amusement, pity and fascination. Amusement at the extent of the delusions beyond any reality. Pity at his deep-seated, immature, painful insecurity and at the fact that, after six years of separation, he obviously still hasn't been able to let go of the narcissistic offence of being abandoned. And fascination about how far the delusions went and that he had no inhibitions about writing to me about it, even though he must have realised somewhere that I knew better. But his gaslighting no longer worked. It hadn't for six years. The email triggered something in me after all: I let go again. The email made me realise that the whole trauma now felt more like a distant, bad dream that I seemed to forget more and more in everyday life. I had found inner peace. I was no longer concerned with justice, I was concerned with peace. I had let go. And that was the real step towards healing.
| Help with domestic violence |
| Help phone for men who are victims of violence: 0800 123 99 00 Office hours are Monday to Thursday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. and on Friday from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. There is also an online chat: https://onlineberatung.maennerhilfetelefon.de/ This is available at the following times: Monday to Thursday between 12 and 3 p.m. and 5 and 7 p.m. You can find information on men's sheltered housing at here. |
| Further help |
| Do you have dark thoughts? If you're not feeling well, you're hurting yourself or you're thinking of taking your own life, the telephone counselling service is there for you. It is anonymous, free and available around the clock. The telephone numbers are 0800/111 0 111 and 0800/111 0 222.
The telephone counselling service also offers a help chat. There is also the option of e-mail counselling. You can register - also anonymously and free of charge - on the website. Information can be found at: www.telefonseelsorge.de And last but not least, there is also the Gay Health Chat for gay, bi+ and queer men (whether trans or cis). There you can chat anonymously with professionals from the community about your problems and get advice: www.gayhealthchat.de |
| Further information |
| Andreas Robertz (2020): What racism has to do with narcissism, Deutschlandfunk.
Andreas Robertz (2020): Why it is dangerous to forgive Donald Trump, Deutschlandfunk. Morten Moshagen, Benjamin E. Hilbig, Ingo Zettler (2018): The Dark Factor of Personality, darkfactor.org. Ramani Durvasula (2017): Should I Stay or Should I Go - Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist, Post Hill Press. Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press. Ramani Durvasula (2019): Narcissism and Its DiscontentsTEDxSedona lecture. Ramani Durvasula (2020): How to discuss with narcissists, vice.com. Ramani Durvasula (2024): It's Not You - How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People, Penguin. Robin Stern (2017): The gaslight effect - how to recognise and avert hidden emotional manipulation, KomplettMedia. YouTube channel by Dr Ramani Durvasula. |
SOURCES
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 50ff.
- See Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 30f.
- See Robin Stern (2018): The Gaslight Effect - How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your LifeHarmony Books, p. XIX.
- translated from English by Robin Stern (2018): The Gaslight Effect - How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your LifeHarmony Books, p. XXIV.
- translated from English by Robin Stern (2018): The Gaslight Effect - How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your LifeHarmony Books, p. 14.
- See Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 5ff.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): Narcissism and Its DiscontentsTEDxSedona lecture.
- See Heiner Thorborg (2015): Psychopaths on the executive floor - time bombs with tiesmirror.
- Translated from the English by Ramani Durvasula (2021): When narcissists know YOU know..., YouTube.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 324.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 8ff.
- See Morten Moshagen, Benjamin E. Hilbig, Ingo Zettler (2018): What is D?, darkfactor.org
- See Marion Spengler et al. (2015): Student characteristics and behaviours at age 12 predict occupational success 40 years later over and above childhood IQ and parental socioeconomic statusJournal of Personality and Social Psychology 51 (9), pp. 1329-1340.
- Translated from the English by Douglas Rushkoff (2022): Survival of the Richest - Escape Fantasies of the Tech BillionairesNorton, p. 34.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 120.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 125.
- Cf. Douglas Rushkoff (2022): Survival of the Richest - Escape Fantasies of the Tech BillionairesNorton, p. 3.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 301.
- See Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, and: Ramani Durvasula (2024): It's Not You - How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People, Penguin.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 341f.
- Cf. Ramani Durvasula (2024): It's Not You - How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People, Penguin, pp. 71 & 229.
- translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 57.
