I am a whiter gay cis man. And I am addressing others in particular white gay cis men. At a time when discussions about gender, inclusion, diversity, intersectionality, trans hostility and racism are becoming ever louder, even within the gay community, quite a few people, especially those who are gay, feel that they are not the only ones to be affected. white cis gays feel a certain discomfort.
I recently observed how this discomfort was caused by another person. white gay cis man was described as shame. The discussion about diversity and anti-discrimination, for example also about racism within the gay community, would be a shame for gay, queer and bi+ men (implicitly meant here, of course, by white cis gay and bi+ men) reinforce feelings of shame. This is despite the fact that prevention and community work - for example by AIDS service organisations - is actually intended to reduce feelings of shame and positively reinforce gay sexuality.
But is this discomfort really shame? Or could it not be a different phenomenon - namely cognitive dissonance - act?
Understanding cognitive dissonance
But what is cognitive dissonance? The term comes from social psychology. Cognitive dissonance describes a state of feeling that is perceived as unpleasant and arises when two cognitions that exist simultaneously in a person contradict each other.
Whew! Sounds complicated! To put it simply, it's the feeling we have when what we do doesn't match what we believe or think is right. This sometimes unconsciously unpleasant feeling of cognitive dissonance arises, for example, when we are convinced that it is urgently necessary to emit less CO2 into the environment and at the same time fly by plane from Hamburg to Munich. Our conviction ("we need to reduce CO2") is then not in harmony with our actions ("I am currently emitting a lot of CO2 into the air with my short domestic flight"). This triggers an unpleasant feeling in people. And this feeling is called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance in the gay community
Logically, this feeling of cognitive dissonance can also arise when we believe in the equality of people, in diversity and respect, but then (even unconsciously) reproduce trans hostility or racism, for example. And especially when someone points this out to us.
In the gay community, too, we often find ourselves in discussions about topics such as violence, power, consent, trans hostility, racism and #MeToo. But because we don't know the term cognitive dissonance, because we don't understand the concept behind it, we can't be fully aware of what exactly this unpleasant feeling is that we're experiencing. Nevertheless, we are aware of this unpleasant feeling. And because we can't categorise it properly, we sometimes give it a different name. For example, shame.
The role of shame
There is actually a lot of shame among us gay, queer and bi+ men. Shame plays a central role in our socialisation. Far too often, we internalise the shame that mainstream society imposes on us. We are taught that we are not right. And we must be ashamed of our sexuality.
This shame is real. And it must be fought. However, it is not the same as cognitive dissonance, which can also manifest itself as shame, but does not come from outside, but from the inner conflict between what we believe in and what we do. Cognitive dissonance suggests that we need to take a critical look at ourselves. And that can be very unpleasant.
Dealing with cognitive dissonance
There are various ways in which people can react to cognitive dissonance. One option would be to simply change their own values. In other words, to throw their belief in human rights, anti-discrimination, respect and tolerance overboard. There are certainly people for whom this would be possible. In such cases, they are often people who are capable of little to no empathy. This is the case with narcissistic or psychopathic people, for example. However, as most people are neither narcissistic nor psychopathic, this possibility is hardly an option for them.
Another option would be to change the actions instead of the values. For example, if someone draws my attention to something problematic that I have said, I can thank them for it, correct myself and not repeat it. I then actively bring my actions into line with my values.
Defence mechanisms
However, there is a third, more complex but very frequently used option: people can also use the Perception of their actions so that they appear to agree with their values. Even though they don't. This happens, for example, through certain psychological defence mechanisms. One defence mechanism can be denial, for example. For example, we often deny that we have said or done something racist or trans-hostile when someone points it out to us. Denial helps us to maintain the appearance that our actions are in line with our values.
Another defence mechanism can be justification. For example, we justify racist asylum policies as necessary, even though human rights organisations criticise them and point out alternatives. Or we justify our racist statements against Muslim refugees with the false claim that they are a danger to queer people. The justification as necessary helps us to (supposedly) get rid of the unpleasant feeling of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a good sign
But cognitive dissonance is a positive thing. Why? Because I would be much more worried if a person didn't feel any cognitive dissonance at all. Such people are often individuals who are highly psychopathic or narcissistic. People who are capable of little to no empathy and who are also indifferent to values such as mutual respect and inclusion. The perception of cognitive dissonance is therefore initially a good sign. It shows: Empathy is important to me. Respect for other people is important to me. It is important to me that I do not discriminate against other people.
Proactively dealing with cognitive dissonance
So how do you deal proactively and mindfully with feelings of cognitive dissonance? First of all, it is important to become aware of when you are experiencing cognitive dissonance. Because quite often you feel a certain discomfort, but you can't really grasp or name it. And this can then lead to you feeling attacked and switching to denial or justification strategies.
By being aware of the feeling of cognitive dissonance, you can then be more mindful of yourself, other people and your own actions and statements. Mindfulness also means not perceiving it as an attack or shame when someone points out something racist or trans-hostile that I have said or done. Shame means that I consider myself to be "wrong", "bad". However, structural systems of discrimination such as racism are less about me as an individual and much more about us as a society. A society that socialises us as individuals in a racist way. I can therefore see it as an opportunity to unlearn racism and trans hostility. I can also feel grateful for that. Because it is an opportunity to become more authentic. It is a sign of deep integrity when my values are in line with my actions.
And at the end of the day, that's what most of us want.
